Finding the Edge...

A Note from RB: So today is the close of Rubenesque Brunette's Big Bad Boost Readership Contest(tm) and the winner is... no one... I didn't get a single entry... I am going to sink in to a deep pit of despair and turn in to emo-RB...  or I can just announce a new contest tomorrow!

LD and I are both very much in to edge play...  rape play, breath play, degredation, blood, hard S&M, etc...  Normally none of this stuff phases me - I love it all.  what is "going too far" to some people is "just enough" for us. 

Except that we found a new edge for me this weekend.

As I mentioned last week, there were some turbulent waters for the SS Le Dom, and Friday night was 'punishment night'...  After being tied to the wall, blindfolded and gagged, LD informed me that He was going to cut me and leave me with a scar that would remind me for years of the lesson I had learned.  As He had been tying me up, I had watched Him take a wicked knife out of His toolbox and go about sharpening it and sterilizing it, so I had an idea that there would be some cutting involved, but I didn't think He would cut me so deep as to scar me.

I completely fell apart.

Tied to the wall, unable to even hold my own weight up, I clung to Him and shrieked in terror as I waited for Him to mark me.  I won't lie - there were a few moments when I was very tempted to call red, but I put my trust in LD a while ago, and I vowed that I would "walk the walk" so to speak.

In the end, LD didn't scar me... didn't even draw blood... 

I am still sore from the beating I took while up on the wall - spending the weekend packing for todays' move didn't exactly help with my recovery...  I went to bed shivering from shock and completely mindless... still lightheaded and dizzy from the breathplay that followed after being taken down off of the wall...  and trust me, Dear Readers, I have learned my lesson.

Here are a few of these important lessons that I learned this weekend. LD is always telling me to look for the joy in life, so I suppose these are a few small bits of 'joy'...

• I can truly trust this man with my very life and body.  Saturday morning I asked Him if He had actually meant to scar me - His response was "yes, but in the end the thought of being cut and scarred seemed to terrify you enough, so I didn't"  
• This man can find my edges, and even when I am completely falling apart and unable to articulate, He keeps me from falling over that edge and keeps me safe.
• I will never, ever disrespect Him or our relationship again
• Knife play, while theoretically hot, actually terrifies me for some reason.  This is odd because I play with knives in the kitchen all of the time, I cut myself all of the time, and honestly Him cutting me as He has planned wouldn't have hurt worse than my tattoo or piercings... yet for some reason I completely fell apart.
• I will *always* associate that wicked knife with punishment.  It is so difficult to find something to 'punish' someone with when they like everything.  We've found something that I decidedly don't like (more than I don't like the dragon tail)

I promise to post something more funny tomorrow, honest!

More Best of Craigslist

Toronto Slaves Get Yourself Ready - m4mw - 30 (Spadina)

SLAVES 

I know that you are out there, waiting for direction! Waiting to be ordered. I seek a slave, or slaves who are highly obedient, prefer Slaves who drive, chauffeur you shall become, Cook, clean you do it all! Hope you have a place to host, not a necessity but would be ideal. I like the idea of having a BF Slave someone who masquerade as anything I require when I require it. I stand about 5.8, 178 pounds, husky stomach, average body, 7 inch uncut cock, brwn eyes, East Indian decent, and very bitchy and assholish! I only think about myself as that is how a Master thinks of course and you should come without brain power except only to listen and to do what I say and when I ask no questions ASKED! I require pics, face, body, ass, cock. I like Slaves from 19-60 

I like being sucked, swallowed, rimmed, kisses licked ect. I like watching others in sexual acts of pleasure, it depends on my mood. You will become a petting zoo for Other Masters or Mistresses depending if I deem you good looking or worthy. 


Looking for someone today whose willing to suck, swallow and please ALSO bring moving boxes, you will pack my room while you are busy serving me! 

I wonder if I can get these guys rejects to pack up LDs place for me?  Surely he must have e-mail applications flooding his inbox and he can spare a few to lend to me, right?

An Apology

I'm sorry Dear Readers, for abandoning you all yesterday.  The SS Le Dom hit some rough waters and I was preoccupied for most of the day.  Never fear though, I believe that the storm is over and we're on our way to smooth sailing (except for the punishment looming over my head that's scheduled for tomorrow evening... the anticipation is going to punish me more than the actual punishment).

So let's get on with a little housekeeping (funny, that's what sparked the turbulence with LD)..

First of all - Stacky is our lucky winner of my Wednesday Windfall and has won a batch of cookies - any type... just let me know when you want them hon!  Remember, all you have to do is comment on a post to be entered in to the draw!

Next on our agenda, is this gift card that's been set aside for Rubenesque Brunette's Big Bad Boost Readership Contest (tm) ... I've had no entries and the contest closes next Monday.  Gimme some feedback here DR - why haven't you entered?  Is it the content? Was the contest too difficult?  Do you all hate Swiss Chalet that much? (or Kelseys, or Montanas, or Milestones, etc, etc)?  I cry bitter tears every night that there are no contest entries, and while this is satisfying LDs thirst for my misery, it's doing nothing to bring me the internet fame and fortune that I so crave... help me out here people!

June 1st I will be launching another contest (because I've obviously had so much success with contests in the past) so make sure you stay tuned!  This one will be much easier to enter, and doesn't require exposing your secret shame at reading my blog.

Finally, my search for a boytoy continues to thwart me at every turn.  Tuesday evening we were supposed to meet a very promising boy, who then cancelled that afternoon claiming he had to work.  Totally plausible, so we'll give him another chance... it's just very frustrating and my Domina side is screaming in rage filled frustration at being locked up for so long (hmm.. another contributing factor to yesterday's woes?)... We DO have a date on the 5th with a boy that we met a little while ago, and heaven help him... he's in for a wild ride.

Torture Garden

So sorry I missed you all at Torture Garden... I managed to say hello to some people I recognized, but dee, etc - we should have made more definite plans than "I'm sure we'll manage to bump in to each other" ...

 

That and we sort of got bored and left around 1am... 

 

You see Dear Readers, it seems that LD and I never learn - we've yet to go to a play party with a dance floor and not leave bored.  We've got a few things going against us.  First of all, LD is from Montreal, where the scene is quite different... from what I understand, Toronto is quite tame in comparison.  I don't think that LD has yet to see anything in Toronto which has impressed Him, and His idea of 'tame' doesn't always jive with the community here (which can get us in trouble).  Also, we don't really dance. Finally, when we go to a play party, it's to.. you know... play...

 

So you end up with an event like Torture Garden, which is hailed as this long weekend extravaganza of kink and bad-assery, and except for the small section of play space (5 pieces of equipment and a second small section for non-equipment play) is essentially just a dance club with costumes.  The Torture Garden website had a very short list of rules for the dungeon, which boiled down to - no genital penetration, no breathplay, no fire play - we thought we were set to be able to have this big crazy hardcore scene.  Arriving at the entrance to the play space, there was a list of rules longer than the commandments. Dudes, when even GOD is less restrictive, you've got problems.

 

and so did we... one of the rules was "no genital nudity" ... I was wearing a very small lace dress without panties.  While LD did try to insert some ginger, which was clearly a no-no (bad LD!), at one point my skirt got hiked up and he grabbed me by the crotch, which apparently counted as nudity, or penetration, or both, and the DM kicked us out of the dungeon.

 

Let's ignore the fact that LD was pressed up right against me and it was dark - the DM must have been keeping a really close eye on us to notice that my skirt was hiked up enough for my cunt to be uncovered.  Let's ignore the fact that because LD was pressed up so close to me, no one could see anything.  Oh well, live and learn.  I was mildly ticked off on the way home that LD had gotten us kicked out of the dungeon - I HAD pointed out the 'no genital nudity' rule, as well as the 'no penetration' rule a couple of times prior to the start of our scene.  Once the rope starts going on me, I go in to la-la land pretty quickly and honestly didn't realize we had done anything wrong or were being kicked out until LD ended the scene early.

 

Once we left the dungeon area and descended into the throng of dancers once more, we didn't stay long.  Are we so jaded and "been there, seen that" that men flying through the air, suspended by hooks in their flesh, and women fellating squid just aren't titillating enough for us?  Around 1am we decided to leave, and that's when (sadly) I got my biggest (and only) bruise of the evening.

 

On our way out of the club, LD still had me on my leash.  As He tugged me towards the door, a Domme in red latex decided she wanted to go to the second floor, via the staircase that was on the other side of my leash.

 

Can you see where this is going Dear Readers?  

 

Despite a number of panicked cries of "EXCUSE ME", and attempted to grab at her, she plowed right through the leash.  Me on my sky-high heels on the uneven floor never stood a chance.  Down I went.  Flailing madly, the leash partly caught my fall, but left quite the impressive bruise on the underside of my left arm.  

 

I think that the lesson that LD and I have learned, is to avoid play parties that feature a DJ and dance floor as a main attraction (TG, subspace, etc).  They are clearly not organized with play as the focus, and as fun as people watching and gazing at the fetwear can be... we're just not Stand and Model.

 

Even at the parties that are more play focussed (i.e. K4P), I leave feeling that we could have had a much more satisfying 'scene' if we had stayed at home.  LD and I are just too much in to kinks and activities that are verboten at public events... breathplay and penetration as a couple of examples.

 

I woke up Sunday morning with some welts on my ass that have long faded, a big purple bruise on my arm, and resolve that next play party we attend should be in Montreal.

 

Perhaps with a more permissive community, and some advanced discussion with the organizer, we can have a truly satisfying public scene.

 

 

Orientations

A Note from RB:  Just a reminder that you've got 1 week left to enter Rubenesque Brunettes Big Bad Boost Readership Contest(tm) and I still don't have ANY entries...  Do we need more incentive? I'll throw in a batch of homemade chocolate cookies along with the gift certificate!  

When did the definition for orientations change?  I understand that sexual orientation and identification really falls in to a spectrum of shades of grey as opposed to a number of neat boxes, but for the love of all that is good and shiny and tasty, SPECIFY YOUR SHADE OF GREY!

I am talking about, of course, the bisexual male.

As a recap for all of those of you with short term memory loss (really dudes, lay up on the breath play... brain damage isn't sexy), LD and I are searching for a boytoy to let my Dominant side have somewhere to vent.  This is good for both the integrity of my hide, and LDs sanity.  

One of our requirements was that this boytoy be bisexual.  Fully bisexual.  Orally and Anally bisexual.  I want to be able to have him service LD on my command (or, on LDs command really) and what girl doesn't want two bisexual men in bed with her? (beware that they're not actually gay though)

So one of my biggest challenges in finding this boytoy is the issue of bisexuality.  Some guys are good - the advertise as "orally bi" and I know to skip right over to the next ad.  It's the guys who lead you on until you get to the point of setting up a date for drinks and they spring on you "oh by the way, if your guy wants to go down on me that's ok, but that's the only contact I want with him... that's cool, right?"

*screams in frustration*

Where are all of the bisexual submissive twinks?  Our date for tonight has flaked out on us due to family issues (I got an essay on all of the very personal family political problems he's having), but we've got another one set up for Tuesday.  We'll see if this one actually goes through.  He claims that he's fully bisexual, but at this point I'm losing faith in the queer community... I'm beginning to suspect that there is no such thing as a bisexual man.

Plans for this weekend: Torture Garden tomorrow and M4 Sunday night.  If You'll be at TG on Saturday night, leave me a comment and we'll make sure we hook up to socialize!  Some of you haven't actually met LD, and apparently He's got some sort of scene planned for us that involved drop clothes, so it should be a fun time for all.

As well, we're shopping tomorrow for:

A new butt plug (Come As You Are)

Slut Shoes (Seductions or Kleen Aire Shoes... any other suggestions for good quality hooker heels?)

Fetwear (No clue.. don't want to go to Northbound..  I suppose we can hit up the goth shops on Queen... any other suggestions?)

Regular clothing (meh)

Mega Push Up Bra (Secrets from Your Sister, or Triumph(?))

Lace top Stockings without the rubber 'stay up' band (where the @#&^@ do you find these these days?)

With our inability to get out of bed before noon, and a hockey game starting at 3 that LD doesn't want to miss... this is going to be a challenge.

Wish me luck Dear Readers!

My Secret...

Did you know that I suffer from a debilitating deformity that until now, I have not been brave enough to discuss with you?  Well of course you didn't - I haven't had the guts to tell you about it... until now.

...that and I only found out about it last week.

Yes, those of you who know me in real life know about all of the mundane ways that I'm crippled... the migraines.. the immune/joint problems, etc...

But all of that pales in comparison to this deformity... one that I keep so hidden that I can't believe that I'm going to share it with you all today (can you tell that I'm low on blogging material?)

ok.. here it goes... you may want to get some smelling salts and a loved one handy to revive you after you read this...

you ready?

*takes a deep breath*

I have longer than normal 1st metatarsals.

*exhales*

wow... that was a big weight off of my mind.  I feel so free now...  I'm sure that all of you are sitting in stunned silence, contemplating this hideous handicap... some of you are probably wondering how I've managed to hide it from the world for so long.... some of you are probably wondering how I've been let out in to polite society with this issue plaguing me.

some of you are probably Googling "metatarsal"

Let me explain it in laymen's terms (why is it never laywomen's terms? do laywomen have a better grasp of concepts and language and not need things dumbed down for them?  or are laywomen too dumb to understand even in dumbed down language?)

*puts on her teacher outfit, complete with high heels, hair in a bun, and ruler in hand*

The metatarsals are the long bones in the foot, and as you can see in that photo, the 1st metatarsal (the one for the big toe) is shorter than the 2nd.  When walking, this allows the foot to do its foot like things in the most effective and pain-free manner possible... or something.. my eyes kind of glazed over when the doctor started explaining exactly how the foot works.  What do I care, as long as they get me from point A to point B and look hot in extra-high high heels while doing so?

My deformity, is that my 1st metatarsals are LONGER than the 2nd ones.  This means that when my foot hits the ground, that joint hits the ground sooner than it should, flexes differently, and causes friction and pressure in that joint.  This causes arthritis.

Arthritis, for those of you who live under a rock, is when gnomes inhabit the space between your bones and jab little pitchforks into the cartilage.

So very long and shameful story short... it is incredibly painful to wear high heels... and what is a slut without her heels?  It is also quite painful to wear flats, because my feet have been molded to the shape of my high heels and are unaccustomed to being flat on the ground.  Not to mention the shame of wearing flats... some people (these people I will call "tall") look cute wearing flat shoes... I look frumpy.. and short...   

The treatment for this atrocity is an increased dose of anti-inflammatories (anti-inflammatory medication is poisonous to gnomes) and orthopedic inserts which will somehow mitigate the effect of my deformed metatarsals.  Except they only work in heels lower than 2" high.  

This excludes approximately 59.7% of my shoe collection.  78.2% if you include my sandals without enclosed heels.

So pity me, dear readers, when you see me in my heels, suffering for my servitude and vanity.  Know that I am hiding my atrocious deformity from you and thank me for this service that I am providing you... no one should have to see longer-than-normal-1st-metatarsals.

Also, feel free to ridicule me for purchasing a ridiculously expensive pair of orthotics that will only work with 6 pairs of shoes... well... ridicule my insurance company for buying them.

In the Spirit...

So I just gave away a gift card to the lovely Dee for actually commenting on the blog... I liked it so much, I've decided to make it a regular thing! Each Wednesday, I will choose a random comment from the previous week's worth of posts, and will award that lucky person a prize!

Prize quality may vary... One week it could be a gift card, the next week some homemade jewelry or baked good... or perhaps some random flotsam from the bottom of my purse (I'm kidding) .. (I think).

Speaking of prizes... Just a reminder that the Rubenesque Brunette's Big Bad Boost Readership contest is still in full swing and without any entries. Winning should be a breeze! Forget how to enter? Go here.

This isn't Gay at all...

LOOKING FOR PHONE BUDS - m4mw (NORTH YORK) 29yr

HEY GUYS!! 
IM A 29 YEAR OLD STRAIGHT GREEK GUY, LOOKING FOR OTHER STRAIGHT GUYS ONLY INTO TALKING ON THE PHONE, LOVE GETTING OFF ON THE PHONE TALKING ABOUT PUSSY, GANG BANGS AND DOUBLE PENETRATION!!! IF YOUR INTO IT AND WANT TO GET OFF WITH ANOTHER BRO AND TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS, EMAIL ME AND WE WILL TAKE IT FROM THERE!! NOT INTO GAY STUFF, NOT INTO MINORS OR TALKING ABOUT MINORS!! 

LETS DO IT BRO'S EMAIL ME...

I have no words...  this man wants to get off over the phone with another man, but only while talking about 'hetero' stuff...  yup, nothing gay about that situation at all... as long as you don't talk about anything gay, getting off with another guy isn't gay...  

huh, I guess I did have some words after all... they're What. The. Fuck.

Going Pro

With my desire for pretty shiny things and beauty products/treatments at an all time high, coupled with the added costs associated with a killer house, I've decided to make some extra cash taking on a part-time job in the oldest profession known to man...

I'm no stranger to sex work... I've been a porn star and a pro-sub/pro-Domme, but I've never straight up 'escorted' ... which I suppose doing 'freelance fetish work' I am essentially doing.

With DHs blessing to take on this part-time job, LD has graciously agreed to be my pimp... I am positive dear readers that along with some extra pocket money, this will be an unending supply of wonderful stories for you all.

While porn was a waste of time (You get paid for 1 hour of actual filming, that takes approximately 8 hours to actually get done), and the dungeon I worked for was a waste of time (too many 'unpaid' shifts, and the commute was too long), doing 'freelance' work will hopefully cut out all of the time-wasters and middle-men that made sex work less than ideal as a primary income.

If nothing else I'll have some fun 'playing hooker' ;)

Translation Please

I was going to post a long and rambling angst-fest about my evening yesterday when I thought to myself "I don't even want to dwell on yesterday long enough to write about it - why would my Dear Readers sit through reading it?"  So instead, I ask you all to tell me WHAT THE FUCK THIS GUY IS SAYING!

bb btm for bb pnp tops - m4mw (Toronto) 28yr

hot bb btm guy (28) seeks bb pnp tops to pnp and get wild... hot bubble butt for your use. love to suck, rim, fuck... Travel or ent. 
BB PNP action now.

I thought I was down with most internet abbreviations, but I'm completely lost here...

and just a quick housekeeping note: You've got 2 weeks to enter Rubenesque Brunette's Big Bad Boost Readership Contest (tm) and I don't have a single entry yet! I'm shocked!  Are you all telling me that $25 isn't enough to get you to pimp out an awesome blog like mine? How will I ever get my book deal?!

Finding a Third for my Secondary

Sometimes I think that I need an advanced degree in mathematics in order to figure out my relationships... or perhaps a PhD in flow charts...

LD and I are looking for a third.  If you get a third with your secondary, what does that make him? do you multiply the numbers? or is he a secondary cubed?  My secondary's secondary? My primary's tertiary? gah!

Specifically, LD is giving me the gift of my own little boytoy to Dominate and play with... and it couldn't come a moment too soon.

Domina Rubenesque Brunette has been having some uncharitable thoughts lately.

After the 4th time getting up off of the floor to bring LD another drink or snack, I catch myself thinking "for fucks sake, is he deliberately waiting until I sit down to send me back in to the kitchen?!"

... ...

After a very long and unsuccessful afternoon of errands, every frustration and roadblock is met with the thought "gee, it must be nice to have a slave to do all of this for You"

...

Criticism is countered in my head with "I don't have to take this, I can leave at any time, what the hell am I doing here?"

Domina RB wants to be let out to play.

Shockingly, it hasn't been as easy to find a third as you might think.  Are we being too picky? We're looking for someone who is:

• submissive
• bisexual
• attractive (in our opinion)
• adventurous in their kinks and/or shares some of our kinks

How hard can this be?!

Well let me tell you Dear Readers, it has been an exercise in frustration.  Harder, in fact, than when I was looking for a secondary, even though I had more exacting criteria then.  Apparently a truly bisexual submissive male is like a unicorn... completely mythical.

Did you know, Dear Readers, that in order to call yourself bisexual (as a man), all you have to do is be comfortable naked in the same room as another naked man?  Hell, if you let a guy suck you off once while you were drunk, you're practically a full fledged gay man!  

and just a tip, for all of you submissive men out there who might be in this situation... when asked if you're bisexual, saying "well I'd let him suck me off" is NOT an appropriate answer.  Honey, you are a submissive man who is going to be tag teamed between two Dominants... how much oral do you REALLY think YOU'LL be receiving?  I suggest you stretch your jaw before coming over however.

After the last couple months of completely unsuccessful attempts, we finally found someone to meet up with.  The plan was to meet up for drinks prior to the swingers party, just to check each other out in person.

We got stood up.

Next on the list, a trans MTF who's stopped midway through his transitioning a few years ago (though advertised himself as a cross dresser, not trans) and is cheating on his partner.  I am normally very anti-cheating, but have gotten to the point where I am willing to relax my standards enough to at least check him out.  He was... ok... Attractive enough, I suppose... didn't make me want to jump him when I saw him.  Obviously nervous.  Does seem to share a lot of our kinks, does seem to *actually* be both submissive and bisexual... Not ideal but I suppose worth a second meeting someplace less noisy, where perhaps he'll be less nervous and we can check him out a little more thoroughly.  

Selfishly, my biggest hangup on cheating is the logistics to it.  I don't want to have to bother with sneaking around and managing schedules, etc.  When i was looking for a secondary, it was a deal breaker.  When you're in a secondary relationship, you're managing 3 schedules as it is... mine, His and DHs...  When you throw in a 4th schedule to try and sneak around, suddenly you're lucky if you can manage a meeting once a quarter.  Should CCD (Cheating Cross Dresser) become involved with us, that will be FIVE schedules that we are trying to deal with.  Makes my head hurt just thinking about how to coordinate something like that.

We also have another date next Friday with a prospect... practically a kinky virgin, though he seems quite eager, so I'm not suer how carefully we'll have to tread.   We all know how much I enjoy popping cherries though, so the newbie aspect may be a bonus for us.

I will keep you apprised of our progress (or lack thereof) Dear Readers.. I'm sure there will be more amusing stories to come.

The Return of 'The Worst of Craigslist'

Note from RB:  A reminder that you've only got 2 weeks left to enter Rubenesque Brunette's Big Bad Boost Readership Contest (tm) ... I don't have a single entry yet, so your odds of winning are pretty damn good!  Rubenesque Brunette has also joined the land of facebook - add me to your feed!

Why look here Dear Readers!  Rubenesque Brunette has been lovingly wading through the fetid fecal matter of Craigslist to find you the hilarious posts that you won't see in the 'Best of Craigslist' section.  Without further ado, here are some recent posts that caught my eye:

Shower service req'd tomorrow - m4mw - 50 (Queens Quay West)

A tall, fit, professional alpha male seeks a shower slave to wash me from the waist down, front and back, drink my pee, tongue check my ass for total
cleanliness as far as your tongue can reach, suck, swallow and leave. 

Obviously you have to be submissive, ideally female. No recip or socialising

OBVIOUSLY you have to be submissive...  Also - while You're in the shower, why not get her to wash all of You?  Only from the waist down?  Will You take care of from the waist up, or is that a separate ad?  Do you really imagine that she's going to want to sit around and socialize before/after?  Though really, it would be only polite to offer her a drink after she's downed Your piss and tongued Your ass "as far as [her] tongue can reach"

seeking a foot friend - m4w - 40 (north york)

single male, handsome, outgoing, smart, seeks a non smoking  girl 23+ to be a foot friend, free salon pedicures, shoe shopping, foot massages. also good friendship talks and outings.  only interested in those who can talk and meet soon.  no fakes, phonies, frauds, time wasting.

Seeking Foot Friend - w4m (Rexdale) 26yr
***Originally posted in W4M but was flagged for some reason... I really feel
it belongs in that category though***

I really enjoy having my feet worshipped and am looking for a foot friend to worship them on a regular basis.

You must have a car, be able to host, and be in your 20's or 30's.

Ideally, you would be a little submissive and like doing things for me like driving me around when I need to go somewhere, take me for pedicures (or if
you know how to give them - give me pedicures), perhaps even buy me shoes on occasion or give me gifts/tribute.

I would like a friend too though... someone I can go for coffee with, or watch a movie with.

If you are interested, reply with a picture.

me: pretty petite brunette, cute size 7 feet, white, easygoing, 420 friendly.

These two are a match made in heaven!  Both ads were posted on the same day, within hours of each other... nothing suspicious there, right? It's obviously just karma trying to bring two like minded people together.  Though really, this is a lesson that you should always check before posting, because your match may already have an ad up.

The Swinger's Party: Part III

After everyone had had enough time to 'get to know each other'... I suppose to make them feel less like they'd be fucking strangers...  SwingerWoman suggested we all adjourn to the play room.

Now, don't ask me what they do with this room when they have family over - it's a bedroom that's got a king and twin bed pushed together, and a rack of baskets for people's clothing, and a huge TV and that's about it.  LD and I were the first ones undressed so we got on to the bed with SwingerWoman and that's when the 'fun' started... my memories are jumbled and non-linear, not to mention I wasn't wearing my glasses, but let me just relate a few of the more memorable moments of our 'wild orgy'...

During

• Being proven right that SwingerWoman likes to talk the talk but isn't actually bi - I couldn't get any further than some light petting...
• Alternative Girl being exceedingly fascinated with my Christina piercing
• Watching Porn 'Stache and Asian Lady only fuck each other, and wondering what the hell they're doing at a swingers party, after SwingerMan and SwingerWoman specifically commented about people like that during our screening (remember, these are people who had been invited back).
• Kissing Alternative Guy and finding out that he's not a very good kisser.
• Having Alternative Guy go down on me and fearing that his tongue stud would get caught in my VCH ring.  It didn't, but between my two piercings, his tongue ring, and his ineptitude, there was an awful lot of metal down there and wasn't very fulfilling.
• Alternative girl and guy taking turns going down on me... she was marginally better.
• Alternative girl hurting her shoulder while being fucked on the floor by Geeky
• Faking 2 (or was it 3?) orgasms with Alternative Guy and wondering if he was ever going to fuck me, or just camp out between my legs all night.  Resist from asking him if he's planning on doing anything interesting down there.
• Looking around and realizing that NO ONE was fucking... maybe 4 or 5 people fucked the entire time, the rest was all petting and oral.
• Erik the Viking camping out on Perky Tits and sending her to rapturous joy repeatedly with his (apparently) astounding oral skills (can you blame him? the guys got to compensate somehow)
• Erik the Viking's Wench making a comment about wanting a turn with Perky Tits, and then SHE camped out eating her out.
• Erik the Viking moving on to SwingerWoman, eating her out for forever, climbing on top of her and reaching his 'edge' in about 15 seconds. In retrospect I wonder how he managed a condom (yes, when flaccid it COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED)
• SwingerMan being the first to start fucking - fucking Alternative Girl who is apparently the one who wanted the DP (which did not happen, as I predicted), and then finding out afterwards that the two women that SwingerMan fucked, he did without condoms.
• Laying on the bed, watching the fuzzy room full of flesh, when Boris comes over and starts eating me out (what is it with this party and oral?!)... finally he fucks me and I spend the time biting my tongue so as not to tell him to put his back in to it.  Fake 2 more orgasms with him.
• Watching Alternative Girl give bad sloppy oral to LD
• Watching all of the men be *very* *very* careful not to accidentally touch

Afterwards

• Erik the Viking giving me the once over and expressing regret that he "never got over" to me
• Multiple oohs and aahs over my tattoo.  Have to fudge it when I start talking about my next tattoo (a similar piece but with a kinky theme) saying that I "wasn't sure of a design yet"
• The entire time, trying not to reveal that LD wasn't my husband/primary through comments referring to DH (for example, talking about some movie, LD expressed no knowledge of it, and I almost blurted out "oh hey, we own that - I'll bring it over some time")
• All of the women, save myself, getting dressed immediately in either a robe/towel of their clothing before joining the group in the living room.  The men remain naked.  Uh guys - we were ALL JUST TOUCHING IN THE OTHER ROOM.  WE'VE ALL SEEN WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER.

All in all, this was the most boring group sex that I'd ever had - the party was done by 11, and the 'sex' in total only lasted a little over an hour I guess (by my rough time estimates... I could be wrong).  

LD and I spent the entire commute home (did I mention that this party was in SCARBOROUGH?) talking about what a waste of an evening that had been.  Seriously, I take my assessment of Swingers being cookies and cream back... they're just as vanilla as the vanillas... maybe with a tiny bit of caramel swirl or something...  but still pretty damn vanilla...

and now I want ice cream again.

Damn.

The Swinger's Party: Part II

So Saturday night was the Swinger's Party.  For those of You who don't want to read a long post (and if so, why are you here?), skip until tomorrow and read the summary.  Today I'll be introducing the cast of characters.

We arrive at the party early - traffic was light, our previous engagement ended early (more on this another day) and even after having some... navigational problems... we were half an hour early.  No problem, we're listening to a play off game so we chill in my car for a bit.  When we go upstairs, SwingerWoman answers the door wearing a satin nightie and makes a joke about us getting lost between the parking lot and the apartment.  We settle in to some small talk which was so boring that I honestly couldn't tell you what we talked about... mother's day plans? repeating more of the same from the initial meeting?  

SwingerMan arrives with the next couple, which he had been picking up from the subway.  

Erik the Red and His Wench

He's.. a viking?  Quite large, long red hair, long beard.  She's tall and thin, quite pretty.  Definitely one of those couples where you take a moment to wonder how they ended up together.  Erik the Red and his wench sit down and we continue with the small talk. They do some sort of work in leather supply. She's actually American and working towards her citizenship. SPOILER: At the end of the party, seeing him naked, I could not find his cock.  I can only hope for the Wench's sake that he's a serious 'grower', 'cause he sure as hell ain't a 'shower'.

Two more couples arrive...

Perky Tits and the Geek

At first look I figure that Perky Tits will be LDs favourite of the night.  Similar build to mine - perhaps a little larger (ok, now that I've lost so much weight, DEFINITELY a little larger) but still very curvy, and gorgeous perky tits.  Short brown hair and glasses...   I felt horribly saggy in comparison, even wearing a bra.  I totally should have asked her how she does it.  I bet she had work done.  He is tall, skinny and geeky... brown hair and glasses... fairly nondescript otherwise.  Panics at the fact that we mishear him say 'geeky' and think he said 'kinky' ... geez dude, don't act as if it's some STI or fate worse than death.  

Porn 'Stache and Asian Lady

She is a hot Asian in a slinky silver dress.  But wait... is she wearing PANTYHOSE?  Really?  Even if you're not a fan of them, you couldn't have put up with some stockings for the night?  He's got the grooviest 70's porn 'stache that I've ever seen in person.  I don't mean that as a compliment.  They've known SwingerMan and SwingerWoman for a while, have apparently been to these parties before, but pretty much keep to themselves.

We're waiting on 2 more couples, and the nervous chatter continues.  Talk about digestive issues when consuming foods that cause allergies, recipe sharing, and going gray versus going bald are just some of the totally hot and sexy conversations we have to ramp ourselves up for the orgy.  Finally, another couple arrives

The 'Alternative' Couple

She arrives wearing a body stocking and short skirt (don't worry though, she's got underwear on underneath), and some really hot shoes that would perfectly match this one bra that I've got.  My first thought is that perhaps a larger skirt would be in order - she's sporting some serious muffin top, which is NOT attractive encased in a body stocking.  He's got a shaved head, fairly skinny, unremarkable otherwise.  Turns out they've both got pierced tongues, and she's got pierced nipples and a VCH piercing.  That seems... promising?  She oohs and ahhs over my knee high boots, which LD has elected to leave on me for the night, along with my stockings.  Turns out they're late because they live in Ajax, or were coming from Richmond Hill, or something involving snow.  I'm not really sure.  At this point I'm wondering if there will ever be any fucking...

We're still waiting for one more couple.  Apparently he's a musician and she works Saturday's so 'it's to be expected'.  More banal pleasantries.  I honestly have no memory about what we spent all of this time talking about.  FINALLY, the last couple arrives...

Natasha and Boris

She's got a red bob, about my build and is dressed in a black off the shoulder top, black capris and red fishnets.  When she gets undressed she's wearing a fake red corset (not the kind you can seriously tighten) and the fishnets are those pantyhose made to look like stockings on a garter.  He's wearing.. jeans? a little stocky, dark skin tone, glasses.  Both have accents.  This couple is a long time friend of SwingerMan and SwingerWoman, so there's much catching up and yet more introductions.  

The time is now somewhere just before 10pm and I'm thinking that LD is definitely getting the better end of the bargain, 'cause the women are all much hotter than the men, and I'm NOT getting the 'uninhibited' vibe that the ad for this party promised.

That, though, my Dear Readers... is a story for tomorrow...

Rubenesque Brunette's Big Bad Boost Readership Contest (tm)

So I was on my hands and knees, being filmed while sucking off a dolphin shaped dildo while holding an enema and being pissed on when I had the thought "How can I boost my readership to the blog? What inventive way can I attract more readers? This has to be something that no blogger has ever done before, something new and innovative..." As the group of men completed the money-shot and the director yelled 'cut', it came to me "hold a contest RB!"

So that's exactly what I'm doing.

Now, because this blog isn't exactly making me any money (in fact, the legal fees for keeping this blog going eat in the vast advertising profits at an astounding rate), the grand prize isn't as mind-blowing as I'd like... but it's a little mind blowing.

It's a $25 Rubenesque Brunette gift card for Cara Foods.

Take your significant other out for a drink and laugh at your good fortune for not having experiences like the ones I write about...

Or go alone and drown your sorrows that you could start a competing blog...

Or take a date and impress her/him with your sexy RB gift card...

Rules for entry are super simple:

1) Spread the love to everyone you know!

2) Have them read a random post, and then comment on THIS post with a fact from the post they read, and who sent 'em, for example:

NaughtyElephant says: "StudMuffin23 sent me and I loved the post where you had the threesome with the two guys who were more interested in each other than in you!"

3) The person who refers the most new readers wins!

Contest runs until May 30th. This gives you 3 weeks to drum up as many readers as possible, and for my custom gift card to arrive.

If this is successful, would you like to see other contests Dear Readers?

(also, for those of you with good eyesight, you'll notice the URL on the gift card... anyone willing/able to help me set that sucker up?)

Swingers Party: Part I

A Note from RB: I want to address a very serious issue before I start the hilarity of today's post.  Comments.  Specifically, the appalling lack of them.  I know that there are people out there reading this... or LD is clearing his cache and reloading this blog a couple dozen times a day (if so, thanks for boosting my ego LD!)  I ask you questions, I seek your input, and yet you leave me hanging... why Dear Readers, why? Have I done something to offend you? Are you punishing me for my hiatus in posting?  Am I not being funny enough?  Please Dear Readers, validate me! I'm not above bribing you all... I'll be posting later today with a contest that is essentially just that...

and now... the swingers party, part I

Those of us who are kinky tend to divide the world in two - vanilla, and double-fudge-caramel-with-nuts-brownies-cherries-and-chocolate-chunks ... hrm, now I want ice cream, weird.

In reality though Dear Readers, there is a third breed of human... let's call them.. cookies and cream.  They THINK that they're living on the edge, pushing the envelope of decency, titillated by their taboo activities.

I am, of course, talking about Swingers.

Approximately 100 years ago, LD replied to a craigslist ad for a swingers party.  After some back and forth, we met with the couple for drinks last week for our 'screening'.  Prior to the meeting we agreed that we would not reveal our Master/slave relationship.  This ended up being a good call.  I spent the bulk of the meeting biting my tongue and making sarcastic comments in my head.

SwingerMan and SwingerWoman are your average white bread aging hippies... matching turquoise shirts and sensible sandals.  His hair is just long enough that he can justify to himself that he's flaunting the stereotypical standards set out for men, despite the fact that approximately 60% of guys are wearing their hair "shaggy" or longer these days.  He orders a coke.  She is rather plain jane, wearing a bright tie dyed sweater and orders a virgin strawberry daiquiri by asking for a 'non alcoholic fruity slush of some sort".

We get down to business and I am immediately struck by how... vanilla.. they really are.  These people are talking about sleeping with someone other than their primary partner as if it is the wildest thing you could possibly do... though of course they are enlightened enough that it's No Big Deal to them.  We elect not to reveal that LD is not my husband - I think that would have been too much for them to take.  

Throughout the whole meeting I become increasingly convinced that this must be what purgatory is - *thinking* that you're the very picture of bad-ass taboo sexual practices while in reality you're just... having vanilla sex with someone else...

We discuss the logistics of the party, hearing in depth descriptions of the dip and snacks that they provide, SwingerMans inability to consume salt anymore, the need for reading glasses (at this point I'm starting to feel how painfully obvious it is that I am at least 20 years younger than SwingerWoman, and 30 younger than SwingerMan), and other banalities that I will save you from Dear Readers (trust me, you should thank me... preferably in the form of lavish gifts).

We're informed of the 'main event' for this Saturday's party... some woman who is a regular at their parties has been trying to arrange a DP for 2 years, and yet never manages to 'get around to it' ... ummm... you can't want that DP very badly honey, it's not rocket science - you grab two cocks and go at it.  

Two summers ago it took me about a week to find two guys... Last fall it took me approximately a month to set up a DP (mind you, they were more interested in each other than in me, but that's neither here nor there).  I started making mental bets with myself if this woman will get caught up playing with someone else again and "miss out" on her DP.  

Honestly, I was a little shocked at this news - I had assumed that anal was too far over that 'taboo' line... though maybe that's why the DP hasn't happened yet...

SwingerWoman comments on my nails... I think she's... flirting? ... I make small talk and somehow mention that I've drawn blood with them.  Aghast, SwingerWoman asks if I do it deliberately.  Warning bells go off in my head. "Of course not" I reply.  Crisis averted.  Will have to remember to dull the edges before Saturday.

On the way home, we discuss whether LD should keep his waxing appointment - will this be too "weird" for vanillas? Is it normal for vanilla men to be without pubic hair?  Will my various genital piercings (all 4 of them) and tattoo be a turn off or turn on (consensus: the men will go wild, the women will shy away)... Will this be worth our time?

Stay tuned for Part II!

A Contest? How new and exciting!

I think that I might be the first blogger to ever think of this... as a Digital Native, I love being on the cutting edge frontier of Web 2.0 and all that crazy shit...

Stay tuned on Monday for my big "Boost RBs Readership Contest" Announcement (tm)!

Hair

A Note from RB: I will be posting on a M-F schedule, so don't be surprised when there are no updates this weekend.  Never fear though Dear Readers, I will be back on Monday with something inspiring and hilarious to say... I think.  We're going to a swinger's party on Saturday, so I should have LOTS to say come Monday morning - it'll be like 6 one-night stands all compressed in to one evening.  Sort of like speed dating!  Why didn't I think of this back in September when I started doing this blog?

Now, to your regularly scheduled post...

A while back I got my hair permed.  It had been 10 years and I thought to myself "There must have been all sorts of improvements and developments in the field of chemical hair treatments, right?"  Then I thought to myself "This is going to look fantastic!" Finally, just to cement the jinx firmly in place I thought "How can this go wrong?"  

Three months later, I am finding out exactly how it can go wrong.  Apparently whatever developments that have happened in the last 10 years were not nearly enough - my hair is breaking, leaving me with a frizzy halo... a nimbus of hair, none of it longer than 4 inches.  This halo of fly-aways is getting larger every week, and my head weighs approximately 10% more than it did before the perm, from the copious amounts of hairspray I have begun using. 

A week after getting it done, the stylist gave me a 'lesson' on how to style it, and even using all of her 'super secret professional' tips, I look like a bad drag queen impersonating Madonna.  While this is an inspiring look for many occasions, it is not the look I was originally going for.

I've received permission to cut my hair off, but the question remains on how it gets done...  we have 3 options, and I'd like your input!

1. Live with the frizz for a while and set up a jaw-dropping head shaving scene at some public event

2. Let Sir drag me to his most-trusted-uber-hip-Queen-West Salon and let them go wild (on his instruction)

3. Combine the two and set up a smoking hot hair cutting scene and then let the salon tidy things up afterwards ("my niece decided to play barber while I was napping")

So Dear Readers, what are your thoughts?  I'm really inclined to beg LD to do #3.. it won't be quite as shocking as actually shaving my head bald, but will give me the advantage of having some hair left afterwards for LD to have styled.  Don't get me wrong, I have a very nicely shaped head and used to look quite good with very short hair... I just want to lose some more weight before I go completely bald, lest I look like a cue ball.

On the subject of hair, I've recently been bestowed the gift of a Tria Home Laser System which I have wanted for a while.  Much cheaper than actually going and getting hair removal done professionally, with the added benefit of not having to try and schedule big blocks of time to get stuff done.  Downside of course, being that you're doing it yourself.  

Sir seemed to think that this would just be a new toy to torture me with - He's been bugging me for almost 2 weeks now to get it charged and set up.  Finally the other night I got everything ready and told him to go wild. I'm sure He was envisioning all sorts of wicked things and ways he could make me weep and squirm, but the joke ended up being on Him.  

Save for a small patch of my most intimate areas, even on the highest setting my high pain threshold prevented me from really feeling anything.  The areas where it was painful, I quickly became paranoid of burning due to the darker skin tone, but thankfully everything is fine... good to know when I get around to actually removing the hair down there. 

This lack of pain will be a benefit when I actually start doing the hair removal because I'll be able to zip through it a lot quicker - You're supposed to treat the area twice a month for 4 months, and then once a month for 4 months, and then apparently you'll be hair free.  I'll keep you all posted on my progress, and if any of you want to borrow it, I'm sure we can come to a mutually beneficial agreement!

Coming up on Monday - Rubenesque Brunette goes back to her roots with what will surely be some hilarious sex stories!  

Order Now! Supplies are limited!

I just received an e-mail from my crack legal team (or is that legal team on crack?) letting me know that I may now share my patented and copyrighted weight loss technique with all of you.  Consider yourselves truly blessed that I am so benevolent that I am willing to share these secrets with you (for a small fee, in the form of eternal adoration and comments to the blog)!

Let me share this plan with you in a few simple steps:

1. Start Dating and/or Marry a Dedicated Athlete.  Preferably one who is slightly picky and eats only meat, carbs and junk food.  When he's at his peak (I use 'he' because let's be honest, are there any men reading this? (Hi LD!) Let alone any men watching their weight? (oh, Hi LD again!)) he will eat anything that is too slow to get out of his way. This in and of itself can be an effective weight loss technique, provided you are able to suture the bite marks closed yourself.  Emergency room doctor's get curious after the 4th or 5th time you come in with missing flesh. 
   
   Come to think of it, he'll eat that way even when he's not riding (er.. or participating in whatever sport your athlete participates in).  You need to do this, because my weight loss plan is so effective, you need some added challenges to stop you from losing weight too quickly.  Having a ton of junk food in the house is the perfect way to do this.  
   
   
2. Purchase a House.  Not any house!  This house must be older (but not too old) and located within walking distance of an oil refinery and a field of radio towers.  Walking distance to a Turtle Jacks and variety of mexican/pizza/chinese places also helps.  Once again, this is to prevent you from wasting away completely as well as assist you with the next step.
   
   
3. Develop a migraine. This migraine has to be a permanent fixture in your life - not one of those pansy-ass 1 or 2 day jobs... not even one of those ones that puts you out of commission for a week.  This migraine has to last for AT LEAST a year.  
   
   Methods for developing this migraine include inhalation of various molds and/or hydrocarbons, exposure to a large field of radio waves,  extensive and noisy renovations on the house you just purchased, consumption of triggering foods, blunt force trauma to the head, or manipulating the weather to produce a metric ass-ton of rain.
   
   
4. Stop Eating.  Here's really the most important step.  Let this migraine fester until you are unbearably nauseous... about 10 months should do it.  Stop eating everything but the BRAT diet - Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast (easiest to digest foods).  
   
   Make sure that you dislike at least one of these foods (applesauce) and quickly get sick of two more of them (bananas and rice), leaving you with the ability to only eat one single food (bread).  A loaf of bread should last you about a week and a half. Yes, I realize that this is pretty fast when you're eating nothing but bread, but that's the beauty of this diet - you can eat as much bread as you can stomach (heh)!  No need to conserve your bread consumption. Can I say bread again in this paragraph? bread bread bread bread.  This is not a low-carb diet. bread.
   
   
   
5. Start Eating Again.  After about 8 weeks, move out of your house and wait for the migraine to disappear.  Huzzah! You are now able to eat 'real' food again.  At this point, your stomach will have atrophied to the point where you have the capacity to eat similar to that of a toddler or supermodel.  Spend a week feeling gross as you adjust to the fact that you can not finish a kids meal at most eating establishments.  Continue to eat these smaller portions on a permanent basis.

There you have it folks!  Nothing simpler! I personally have gone from 178lbs to 168lbs over the course of about 4 or 5 weeks, which is a little over 2lbs a week -  a little quicker than is recommended, but those quacks with their "MDs" don't really know anything anyways.  In the past 4 months, I have lost 20lbs in total.

Keep in mind that you may experience some depression and suicidal thoughts when you realize you are no longer able to eat your weight in chinese food, or that the few attempts you made to eat your favourite foods while you were nauseous means that you'll never be able to eat them again without a twinge of remembered queasiness.  This is actually an added bonus because it will stop you from eating your formerly favourite foods quite so often.

A while ago, I set up some rewards for meeting my goals... because rewards are fun! At 175lbs, I was going to buy some new slut shoes (these have not been purchased yet, but I can't wait for them! I will post photos once they have been purchased)... my next reward comes at 165lbs, and was supposed to be a spa visit. I'm not really feeling the spa thing right now though.  For reference, my goals (which I'm going to revise) are as follows:

175 lbs - Slut Shoes

165 lbs - Spa Day

155 lbs - Chocolatieres Course

145 lbs - Cello Lessons

Now, I've decided that instead of Cello Lessons, I'm going to get laser eye surgery done... I have no natural musical talent and lasik will be a much better investment (and less costly in the long run), and I'm thinking that for 165lbs I'll get the third tattoo that I've been wanting... though I had been planning on getting this anyways, so it really seems to me that this is more like just 'skipping' a reward. I do not like skipping rewards.

It also occurred to me that a chocolatieres course might be counter productive to my weight loss goals.

This leaves me with a reward schedule that looks like this:

175 lbs - Slut Shoes

165 lbs - ???

155 lbs - ????

145 lbs - Lasik

Any thoughts Dear Readers?  Should I reschedule the spa day? Come up with something else?  Should I use the tattoo I was getting anyways as my 165lbs reward?  Any thoughts?

*taps her microphone*

is this thing on?  Are you out there Dear Readers?

Everything's Coming Up Milhouse

I know that I said I'd talk in depth about my amazing weight loss program, but it's still patent pending and as such my lawyers have advised me to remain quiet for a few more days.  Instead I will entertain you with more random thoughts from the depths of my brain.

A New Me

I just about skipped back to my desk just now, Dear Readers.  It's amazing to notice the difference in how I feel, even sleep deprived, compared to how I was feeling before.  When I said yesterday that the Botox helped, but did not completely remove the pain... I didn't realize by how much.  

Sir has noticed as well.  Yesterday I got home before Him and greeted him with a smile and a kiss.  He actually remarked that this was the first time in months that he's seen me so awake and happy and 'alive' at this hour.  It was approximately 5:30 pm. I feel like an entirely new person.

My Weight

From a peak weight of around 188lbs (good god, did I really weight that much?!) I am now down to 168... and starting to see my hourglass figure return.  It's so nice to have a waist.  A bit of a pain that I'm going to have to start buying new clothing soon, but I think I can live with that.  Once my lawyers have given me the go ahead I will discuss my amazing patented weight loss plan.  For a small fee, you too can see the same results that I have!

Makeup

While Alastair was in full force, I stopped wearing makeup - it was valuable time in the morning that I could continue sleeping... I looked like crap and was wearing my sunglasses all of the time anyways... my complexion was really acting up and I wanted to give my face a break and I just plain didn't feel like fussing with it all.  

The exception to this was swiping some bright red lipstick on before visiting Sir... I'm sure he didn't notice my lackluster makeup skills were lacklustier - my skill with makeup is that bad that "fully compos mentis" and "drugged to the gills on multiple painkillers and other substances" produce startlingly similar results. 

Last night, for the first time in months, I did myself up.  Looking in the mirror, I got that sense of "looking at another person" again... it's like every habit I got in to with regards to makeup has been wiped away, and I'm starting fresh.  This morning I took the time to do myself up again.  I'm going to try and get back in to wearing it every day.  

The weird thing is, the first time I did this I *HATED* it with a passion... check my archives to see what I mean.  Today, I looked in the mirror after applying the last of it and thought "there, I look much prettier now"

On the one hand, I'm not sure I like this shift in my thinking, but on the other hand I notice it and revel in how my Master is shaping me and affecting me... a bit of a catch-22 there.

Live-In Slave

I have been living with LD for the last week and a half, and aside from the obvious benefits to my health, I have been enjoying my time as a live-in slave as well.  After reading my blog yesterday, we were discussing it last night and Sir told me that He takes back His comment about curing His desire to live with another - and also confessed that it has been a long time fantasy of his to have a 24/7 live in slave. 

I will admit that part of me will be sad to be moving back in with DH.  Part of me misses DH and can't wait to snuggle up to him again.  This makes for a very conflicted set of feelings.  To top things off, LDs daughter is visiting the weekend after next, so after living with Him for 2 weeks, I will not see Him for over a week afterwards.  I think that it's going to be an adjustment for both of us.  For one thing, He will have to start doing His own cooking and dishes.

Torture Garden

Are any of you planning on attending Torture Garden?  Sir is getting us tickets and says that he's got a big scene planned, so there should be some hot entertainment ;) We'd love to go as a group - it's always more fun with more people (good advice for both events and sex) so let me know if you're planning on attending!

A New Resolution

So I realize that I'm late for every "new year" I could possibly imagine, including fiscal years and weird religious calendars...  but I've decided to make a resolution anyways.  It's never too late to turn over a new leaf!

I'm going to post to this blog every day, even if it kills me.

That said, Let's make up for my hiatus with all sorts of news that most of you probably already know!

Meet Alastair Jeurgen Horace Ross

As most of you know, a year ago (on our wedding anniversary actually) DH and I moved in to our first house.  Proud homeowners and all that sentimental stuff.  Approximately 3 weeks after moving in, I developed a migraine.  The migraine from hell.  The most persistent migraine I've ever experienced. I was on an ever changing cocktail of narcotics in an effort to control the pain and in the meantime, we also started renovations.  Have you ever had a gas line installed (which requires drilling all the way to the outside of the house) while you're in so much pain you're nauseous?  I highly recommend it to the masochists out there.

Try some Neurotoxin!

I digress.  This migraine did not go away... I was missing work, vanished from my social circle, and generally was in no shape to do much of anything but sleep.  Finally in... September? (yes, that's right, 4 months of migraine later) my doctor suggested I try Botox... the newest and greatest treatment for migraines, but also sort of a 'last resort' treatment.  I met my new neurologist, he poked my scalp/neck/face 42 times with a neurotoxin and about a week later... the pain faded.  It didn't go away entirely, but it was enough to get me back to acting more human.  Sadly, I metabolize drugs much quicker than most people, so the treatment that was supposed to work for 3 months, only worked for 2.  Back to the neuro I go...  did I mention that Botox is very expensive?  no?  Did I mention that because it's an "off label" use, it's not covered by insurance?  no?  Did I mention that I was missing a lot of work at the time? This was a somewhat stressful period of time.  

Because of the way that the Botox works, you have to wait for it to wear off before you can get another dose.  The only way you know that it's worn off (if it's working), is because the migraine returns.  Either way, the soonest between treatments you can do is about 2 months.  Once it's worn off, you need to try and get an appointment with your very busy neurologist.  This means that every 2 months or so, I'd have between 1 and 2 weeks of migraine before I could get treatment... and then another week for the treatment to kick in...  you know, looking back at this I'm not sure that the "2 months of relief, 1 month of pain" schedule was really worth the money I was shelling out for the treatment.

Three treatments later we get to March.  I go in and mention that it's a bit of a pain (heh) to be coming in every 2 months when the treatment should last for 3.  Doc suggests I try a double dose (at double the cost, naturally) and I mention that I'll think about it for next time.  I wait patiently for the Botox to kick in.  It doesn't.  I start getting violently nauseous and go on the BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast... the easiest to digest foods)... I basically stop eating except for the odd bit of plain rice or bread... tried bananas for a while but soon couldn't stomach them.  Can't stand applesauce.  

Back to my GP, who prescribes me more narcotics to manage the pain.  I make an appointment to get the double Botox done and wait out the time until I can go in for the injections.  I spent most of March and April high on percocet and weed. I decide to name the migraine considering it's been living with me for almost a year.  Alastair Jeurgen Horace Ross sounds like the right holy terror he is, right?

The Attack of the HOIR

Then DH suggests that I move in with Sir for a couple of weeks... just to see if perhaps it's the house that's making me sick.  It had briefly crossed my mind before - the timing was certainly suspect, but I figured that with all of the renovations we were doing that anything that could make me sick would have been discovered.  Despite that, I moved in with Sir 11 days ago.  6 days ago I began to be able to eat regular food.  5 days ago my head started to feel better.  At the present time I have a mild headache and am learning to live with the fact that after a month with almost no food, I'm not able to eat very much before feeling full.  

Sir and I have had a few growing pains adjusting to living with each other, but have worked things out and are getting along splendidly now.  I think that Sir will miss me when I move back with DH, despite a few days in to our adventure telling me that I had cured him of the idea that he'd ever want to live with another woman again.  

So to sum things up: Yup, it's quite possible that my beloved house is making me sick.  I will be staying with Sir the rest of this week to fully recover (and give me a bit of a break) and will then move back home to see if the migraine returns.  If it does, I will be moving back in with Sir while we figure out what to do with the house.  First step will be a comprehensive air quality test to see if there's anything that's easily fixable.  Then we decide how much money we're willing to sink in to the house to make it livable for me, or if we abandon ship and move.  Neither option is easy or appealing.

hmm.. this post hasn't exactly been funny or uplifting, has it?

Stay tuned for tomorrow... I'll talk about my patented no-fail diet plan!