The women amongst you all are rolling your eyes and saying "yeah, so what? we all have" ... here's the thing though...
I faked them with Him.
It started innocently enough... we all do it to spare the feelings of the guy we're with... or we're done and just want things to end... or want to give them an ego boost... or about 700 other reasons... I don't remember why I did it the first time, but I did it without a second thought. Over these past few months, it just became a habit. It is *so* difficult for me to cum sometimes, and my desire to please Him overrode any guilt that I felt. Sometimes I would fake them so that I could cum 'on command' ... sometimes I'd fake them because it would help trigger an actual orgasm... sometimes I wasn't sure if I was faking them or not - it felt good, but it wasn't a full orgasm... that's close enough though, right?
then I took His collar, and started thinking about ownership, and the level of commitment and transparency and honesty that we will require to achieve our goals... and the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. Ever the chicken, while He was in New York this past week I confessed to my misdeed along with a long list of other more 'fun' confessions.
Fast forward to Friday night... I'm feeling like crap and despite my efforts to dress pretty and actually put on makeup, I am transparent (as always) to Him and He can tell that I just want to curl up and go back to sleep. After our enthusiastic 'hello's, He has me stand against the wall and lifts my skirt. A few blows rain down on my ass, along with the admonishment that I was to never fake another orgasm again. Agreeing wholeheartedly, our evening continued without further comment and in the back of my mind all I could think of was "that was it? I got off easy, this isn't right".
The rest of the weekend was a drug and migraine induced haze. I literally slept the entire weekend away, being almost completely useless to Him. Sunday afternoon, after 48 hours of sleep, I was feeling slightly more human... human enough to actually feel aroused. Upon communicating this news to Him, He made it very clear that was going to have to wait... and that in fact I was not allowed to orgasm until the next time I was in his arms... that I had to learn to appreciate my orgasms. Flipping me face down on to the bed, He went and got the Big Cane.
It is now almost 24 hours later and my ass hurts as much as it did when He finished. It hurts to stand, it hurts to walk, it hurts to sit... it hurts so much it actually woke me up at 5:30 this morning and it hurts even to lie on my stomach.
So far, there isn't a single bruise.
I bawled my eyes out - not from the pain... He's beaten me harder... but from the shame, and the guilt and the regret and remorse. I cried because I lied to Him each and every time that I opened my mouth and screamed when I shouldn't have. I cried because He couldn't tell when I was faking it. I cried because I had disappointed Him and deceived Him. I cried because I felt like a bad slave. Clinging to Him afterwards, He told me that I was forgiven. He held me while I regained my equilibrium, and then we went to shower. He seemed so cold and distant in the shower - I could tell that He was still thinking of my transgressions... I assume He was still upset. After I had cleaned Him, He left me alone in the shower to take care of myself and I cried some more.
Composing myself, I finished showering and got ready to leave. He repeated to me that He had forgiven me, and that He owned me... and that owning me is absolute - He doesn't just own the good parts. He owns my mistakes. He owns the responsibility to fix those mistakes. He owns the bad parts of me as well as the good.
Pretty words.
As I've mentioned previously, I do not take failure well. I have spent the last 24 hours going over and over why I did this.. why I CONTINUED to do this... how I could hurt my Master with such a deceit, and how he could forgive me...
As you can all tell, Dear Readers, I have not forgiven myself yet. We all know how well I deal with failure, and now that the severity of the situation has set in I'm baffled as to how I went so long faking orgasms without it being painfully obvious from the guilt I was feeling. I have no clue how to go about getting over this and moving on. Every time I start to feel the slightest bit aroused, I remember my fuck up and I dry up like the Sahara... I'll have no problems waiting to orgasm, and even once I'm allowed to again, I'm not sure I'll be able to!
Master said that He's proud of me for confessing and owning up to my misdeeds... but I can't help but feel like I've started this collaring off on the wrong foot. I don't know what to say or think or do to help me forgive myself. I think that part of me doesn't really believe that I'm forgiven. Part of me is still berating myself for being so stupid. Part of me is still crying for having hurt Him.
I'm sorry Master. I know that I've said it a million times, but I thought that purging it all out on to the blog... making my shame and apology public... might help me sort through my feelings and come to acceptance.
it hasn't.
