Skin Deep

I still hate makeup.  

I hate it with an unholy passion, rivaled only by the fervent hatred fundamentalist Christian's have for... well a lot of things.  It adds 15 minutes to my morning routine, 5 to my end of day routine and that's 20 minutes I could be... I dunno... cleaning my kitchen.. starting a new blog... knitting... sitting around naked watching porn.

Even after 2 months, I still forget myself and smudge my eye makeup while rubbing my eyes.  Don't get me started on lipstick!  Lipstick is the most useless invention in the world... even the 'lip stain' that I purchased that by all accounts (both by the manufacturer and independent testimonials) is supposed to last longer. What a money making scheme - put something on that will wear off and or be eaten off within minutes, necessitating that you use more.  If I put it on at the same time as the rest of my makeup, I forget it at home and go without the rest of the day.  If I keep it in my purse, I forget it entirely. If I've got one in each place, I inevitably lose one.  The only time I remember to put the @#*& stuff on is in the elevator going up to see LD, and I'm sure that it only lasts as long as our first kiss.  

The only positive to this (if one can call it that) is that is hasn't wreaked as much havoc with my complexion as I had feared it would.  I suspect that this is because I'm using mineral powder foundation and only using concealer on days that I see LD.  

I still 'get' the purpose of all of this, and I still do it... hell, I found myself in the makeup aisle at Shopper's the other day picking up a new shade of eyeshadow... I just still hate it, and no matter how much of a routine or second nature this may become... I can't ever imagine myself enjoying it.  Not to mention, I suck at it.  Make Up Artistry will NOT be a fall-back career.  I do sort of envy the ladies who can do amazing dramatic eye makeup, or emphasize or minimize certain features... but it honestly seems like there are better things I can be doing with my time.  Like porn.

Becoming His

After all of this angst and discussion and whatnot, I had a date with LD last night that, to me, really changed the tone of how we've been interacting lately.  

The evening started off with as it usually does with some discussion and me removing my clothing. Kneeling in the middle of the room, He inserted a gag; Ropes were tied around my ankles and wrists and He brought out his two favourite toys of the moment - the bright red Dragon Tail and the piece of 1.5" thick rattan.  I will admit, I've got a love - hate relationship with the Dragon Tail.  I *hate* sting and that mofo hurts like you wouldn't believe (just ignore how wet I get despite that). The rattan... I like much more - it's much more thuddy and turns me on more.  He then gave me too hand weights and made me hold my arms straight out...  and continued to beat me.  As my arms began to ache, I struggled to keep them held out and my thoughts turned to needing to do more upper body training on my Wii Fit.  Eventually Sir let me rest my arms and told me I had an important lesson to learn (my upper body strength is crap? Endurance anyways... I'm perfectly capable of lifting and carrying all sorts of crazy heavy stuff in the kitchen, I just don't have to hold it straight out while kneeling for forever and a day) and had me raise my arms again.  More agony and a brief hysterical thought of His personal trainer doing this with Him and just as I am starting to call red, He lets me set down the weights.  I'm sure that the lesson is to not be afraid/ashamed to call yellow/red if I'm unable to complete a task to his specifications... it's a lesson that I preach with regularity to the n00bs.  Once again though, easier said than done.  I will always hold out until the very last moment to call out.  It feels like failure.  It IS failure (in a black and white world).  I *hate* failure.

Gag out, I get to suck His cock (yummai) and have my patience tried by being ordered to hold still.  I can't remember the last blow job that I didn't control... vanilla boys are just so pleased to be getting oral at all that even when they pretend to take control they're really not.  Make a mental note to work on my gag reflex, it's a little out of practice.  Gag back in and I'm bent in half over a table, my wrists and ankles practically bound together.  Those of you who know me in person may have noticed that I've been in a foul mood for most of the last couple of weeks.  As a result of that I haven't been feeling much like jerking off and it had been 2 weeks since my last orgasm.  Sir promised me that I would cum for Him, whether I enjoyed it or not.  Plugged, Gagged, Dildo in my cunt and bent over a table being beaten... ridiculously wet but somehow just unable to cum.  Then Sir decides...  if He can't make his piggy cum, He'll make her squeal.  

He starts beating me.  No harder than He normally does, but somehow it hurts that much more - I couldn't cum for my Sir and the failure and betrayal of my body hurts far worse than any of the blows landing on my body.  At some point the toys come out and Sir starts fucking my ass while He beats me.  If I can't cum and He wants me to cry, then I will cry.  I let myself feel the pain of the rattan, of the failure in cumming for Him, of all the little and big things that have had me in a funk the past couple of weeks, of all of my fears and insecurities holding me back from committing to Him... and slowly but surely, I start sobbing.  Great big body wracking sobs, as I'm bent in half being fucked up the ass; my backside warm and scattered with welts. Through the fog of tears I hear Him praising me.  He pulls out gently and unties me, pulling me upright and into His arms.  I cling to Him, sniffling and wiping the still falling tears on his shirt as He helps me to bed.  

Was it more of a gift that I deliberately cried for Him and laid myself bare, as opposed to Him making me cry involuntarily?  Would forcing me to cry, despite my attempts not to, be more meaningful? I don't think that I've ever cried due to pain, so I'm not sure He could beat me to the point of tears (ok, I take that back, I'm sure it's possible).  Psychologically, I'm sure He could humiliate me and berate me in to crying.  In fact, I will bet you that the first time I disappoint Him and have to be punished, I will weep for my failure.

Cocooning me in blankets and pillows, He cuddles me and keeps me warm... soothing me as my sniffles abate... praising me as the tears dry.  We talk a little and I'm ordered on to my back.  I want to say that we fuck, but it was more than that...  tender and gentle, as if He were trying to erase all of those negative thoughts that brought on the tears.  As usual, my body reacts to Him and I reach down to touch myself.  Things get a little hazy here Dear Readers..  was it 5? 6? I scream myself hoarse and wear myself out, thrashing and convulsing in clitoral orgasm ecstasy. Thinking back over the evening, as hazy as my recollection is...  the only time I truly had NO OTHER thoughts in my head, were the moments I was orgasming... 

Eventually it's time to pack up and head home.  I don't want to leave - I'm still feeling vulnerable.  He is only the second person to see me cry like that and I feel laid bare - like a biology specimen pinned to a board, flayed open.  Even today, I feel clingy and vulnerable... I miss Him.  Which isn't to say that I don't miss Him normally, but today it is like an ache.  I am distracted and Logical!Rubenesque is categorizing and pointing out the symptoms of sub drop, while Emotional!Rubenesque is quietly whimpering and waiting for the day to end so she can cocoon herself back in bed and sleep it off.  

As we were leaving, He reminded me that something changes when I walk out that door, and that the ball is in my court. "No pressure piggy", He says... "I'm a patient man", He says... "I'm not going anywhere", He says.... and yet I can't help but feel the pressure, mostly from myself, to get over whatever insecurities and fears that I have and just give myself over to Him.

Being Helpful

So I'm in need of some distraction from some very detailed work that I'm doing that is giving me a headache, and my mind wandered to the topic of being helpful.

How do I differentiate 'being helpful' from 'anticipating needs'?  it has always been my thought that a slave should anticipate the needs of her Master and intuitively take care of them.  He should never have to ask to have his drink refilled, or his coat taken, or his slave displayed in a pleasing position, etc.

LD has 'requested' (and has had to remind me on a couple of occasions) that I not be 'helpful' ... moving myself into a position to assist bondage, removing jewelry, anticipating requested movement and doing so before asked... and I get that it's all about control and that 'jumping the gun' is undisciplined and takes back that control that I've supposedly given him.  Totally defeats the purpose of giving him the control in the first place, no?  So while on the one side of the coin, 'being helpful' is about making his life easier, it's also defeating the purpose of the entire situation.

So where is the line?  At what point are you the silent slave, ensuring that his experience (whatever it is) is the best that it can be, without having to interrupt that experience to give orders?  When should you be the living doll, barely daring to blink and breathe without his say so?  Is there an in-between?

I believe that this is something that takes time to learn.  Like old married couples who can intuit their spouses needs and finish off each others sentences, it is a matter of finding out (or being told) which services and activities he would like done silently and automatically, and which he would not.  

Sadly for him, the bulk of my bottoming experience in the last 7 years has been during workshops and demos, where 'being helpful' is practically required (especially when demo bottoming for a newbie whom you're teaching).  It has become second nature to 'assist' in the very manner that I know he finds exasperating.  Despite my efforts to be mindful of this and NOT help, I know that I've slipped up on a number of occasions - it's simply an automatic reaction.  Of all of the things I will struggle with to become his slave, I suspect that this will be one of the most enduring, only because it IS so automatic.  It's not an emotional response that I have to struggle to overcome nor is it a physical or medical limitation; it is a habit as deeply ingrained as my very personality.  

More Random Thoughts

I dislike being dependent on anyone.  Even with DH, we lead very independent lives for the most part.  Submitting to Him requires me to give up that independence and rely on him... from being tied up and unable to drink without assistance, to the extreme example of being completely bound, catheterized, blindfolded, gagged, ear plugged, etc.  This ties in to my fear of losing my identity somewhat... being completely helpless and dependent puts my life in to his hands in a way.  Once he is in control of my life, he has that power to change it as he likes.

So far, I've enjoyed submitting to him greatly...  but it's always been with the knowledge that once I've left his home, I am once again my own person... independent... with my own identity...

Taking things further will take that away from me.  Even if I do retain independence and identity, they won't be MY independence or identity... it will be the independence and identity that he allows me.

I don't know how I feel about this.

Leaping Off a Cliff

I'm just waiting for you to make a decision

I know what you need.  Perhaps we are closing in on the moment.

How do you decide to commit to a level beyond what you've done before? Have I really known him long enough?  Can I give this man a larger degree of control over me than even my husband has?

24/7

We discussed 24/7 and ownership and all of those definitions the other day, and agreed that we can never be 100% 24/7, simply because I DO have a husband.  How does this work? Am I "24/7" at all times except when interacting with my husband?  What stops me from using my husband as an excuse when I'm asked to do something particularly onerous or that I don't really wish to do?  I say now that I would never do that... and touched on this briefly before... but you never know. I have a feeling that LD intends to push me further than I believe I can stand right now.  I can see LD and DH collaborating to ensure my compliance... but DH being the 'eyes and ears' for LD strikes me as a little weird on the one hand (and a little hot on the other).

Limits

LD is quite obviously ready to take this further.  His comments as of late (see above) make that abundantly clear.  Part of me is craving it... wanting to be owned by him, taken over completely and molded to his liking.  The other part of me is terrified of taking this plunge and trusting someone (anyone.. not just LD) to this extent.  Can I really stop doubting him?  If he tells me to get on my knees in the middle of a subway car and suck him off, can I obey and trust that he is not breaking those hard limits (no illegal activity, nothing that will jeopardize my professional standing) and that there is something going on that I don't know about?  What if he orders me to perform bestiality? Rape? Scat?  

I am all about being empowered and standing up for your hard limits - it's something that I stress to every new person I council.  How do I get to that level of implicit trust that I don't stand up for myself when he asks me to do something that appears to break my hard limits?

Identity

When he and I first started chatting, I told him how important my sense of self was.  I will always identify as "Rubenesque Brunette" before I identify as "LD's slave", despite both being accurate.  I am terrified of losing myself and my identity to him... to becoming a shadow of myself.  I suppose I have to trust him in this as well - not only that he will not try to take away my identity, but that he will stop me from sinking too deep and losing it all by myself.  I suspect that there is too much of my Domina side in me to fully disappear, either of my own volition or his, but I still despair becoming a dishrag or completely losing who I am.

Punishment

I also have the purely logical fear of being unable to remember all of his rules and protocols.  I DESPISE punishment.  Not because I fear the pain, but because I take failure very hard and knowing that my Sir/Dom/Master is disappointed in me is crushing.  Honestly, you wouldn't even have to beat me to punish me... just tell me how much I've failed you and I will feel miserable for a week.  It doesn't help that my memory is crap, and so it's a very real possibility that I will forget things.

Dear Husband

How much of this should I discuss with DH?  Will he be OK with me becoming a slave (for lack of better term, to differentiate a deeper level of commitment and submission than my current position.  All of you definition nazis take a deep breath).  As much as I scorn formal contracts, should the three of us sit down to discuss this? Could I even get DH to attend something like that? If *I* scorn formal contracts, DH mocks them (and the people who use them) openly.  Obviously fluid bonding is something that needs the consent of all three of us, but what else?

Focus

Am I using my submission as an escape from every day stress?  Should I not be submitting to please the two of us?  I have a hard time focusing (see my post about how difficult it is to orgasm as an example), but when He is able to get me to, I find such peace in it.  Am I just being selfish and using him to obtain this?  By committing further to him, will he be able to help me achieve focus more often, both in and out of play?  Are my blowjobs any better when I'm not thinking of 16 million other things at the same time?

Emotions

I asked earlier about if I could give Him more control over me than my husband has, and if we've been together long enough for this level of commitment.  I've been with DH for 7 years, and I wouldn't let him tell me what to wear every day (mind you, he's not exactly fashion conscious and our dynamic doesn't really go in that direction).  I've known DH for... a month and a half?  Seeing him 2 or 3 times a week... chatting almost every day... but how well do I actually know him? Do I really need to know where he grew up? why he moved to Montreal?  Whether he had any pets? Is any of that general stuff important?  It's the sort of stuff that you learn about a person over time... I can tell you all sorts of stuff about DH, most of it useless... but it makes me feel like I *know* him. In some respects with LD, we hardly know each other... can I really make him my 'permanent' Dom? will I be able to one day make him my Master?

Update

I have been totally remiss in updating you on my activities DR, and for that I am truly sorry... however have you passed the time without me?

Because I have a horrible memory, I won't get in to the gory details of the past 2 weeks, but will try to sum things up...

Saw LD Alone

We had a fantastic time, play involved more sexual aspects to it, I went home a pile of quivering goo

Went to a Fet Event 

LD and I went to a local event where I apparently spent quite a bit of time up on a piece of equipment.  I unexpectedly went in to a very deep endorphin high which left me non-verbal and LD quite concerned.  I suppose we learn new things about ourselves every day - I can't remember the last time, if ever, that I went so deeply under.  I suspect that he could have done permanent damage to me and I would have barely blinked.  Reinforced my knowledge though that my glutes are NOT an erogenous zone...  beat my back and I can practically cum for you, beat my ass... well previous to this I'd just cry and scream... first time I've gotten a good endorphin high off of my glutes.  LD wasn't feeling so great so we left a little early.

Went to another Fet Event

Went to this event with a friend, was not impressed with the space, came home.  Nothing special

Had another 'date' with LD

We spent some time chatting first, which I think is an excellent idea.  As much as I love aftercare, my head is not all together enough to have intelligent conversation.  Very much enjoyed that we kept things D/s-ish while chatting and would like to try some D/s platonic time sometime... me at his feet while we watch a movie or just chat about non-scene stuff or whatever..  We briefly discussed the next 'milestone' in our dynamic and I'm torn.  

I very much want to move things forward with him, but I still hold some reservations... sadly I don't think that they're anything that can be resolved by anything other than time.  If I am to give myself 24/7... I think that I need to know someone the way that I know people I've known for years.  Did that make sense DR?  It's not just about knowing whether or not he strangles kittens (and while I haven't checked in his freezer yet, I'm pretty certain he doesn't), or the day to day minutiae of his life... it's the more esoteric knowledge of a person.

There are other obstacles to this as well - LD will be meeting DH (Dear Husband) for the first time this weekend (for those of you who have standing invites on Sundays, this is the one to come to!) and the longevity of any secondary relationship of mine DOES depend to a certain degree on how they get along.  There are also issues and decisions that must be made with the approval of all 3 of us (fluid bonding for example).

The last barrier to me giving myself over 24/7 is me.  Simply put, I'm slightly terrified of the prospect.  (Note, I say terrified, not unwilling) ... It has been years since I've been in any sort of submissive relationship, more so since I've done anything 24/7, and never have I done anything to this level of protocol.  Kink is supposed to be an escape for me..  submission is a way for me to give up control, forget my stress and just give myself over.  Is moving to a 24/7 level of commitment going to add stress?  Will I be able to remember all of his rules? Will I be any good at it?!

Perhaps this is just a moment of doubt... but it's been following me since I saw LD on Wednesday, popping in to my head an random moments.  Something to work on while we overcome the other obstacles to moving forward.

Never a dull moment with me...

A cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind...

So I cleaned my desk over the holidays... talk about a minor miracle. I was hoping that this enforced order on my workspace would assist with bringing about some clarity of mind as well. Such was not the case - ah well!

Luckily for you, DR, this means that I must continue to spill my thoughts out in to the webbernets for all and sundry to read; an airing of dirty laundry in hopes that the magic of sunshine, butterflies and unicorn farts will leave my unmentionables sparkling.

oh DR, so much has happened in such a short time since we last sat down together! Where to begin? How to sort out my thoughts?! If only I had neatly labeled file folders and boxes to sort this out as easily as my desk...

Flavour of the Week
LD cancelled our plans for NYE in order to have some time for introspection... I am saddened that I had a brief moment of disbelief as to his intentions, before my logical side kicked in to give him the benefit of the doubt. After having agreed to try and have some 'vanilla time' together, he suggested I stop by for a New Years kiss on my way home from the party I was at, and that we would try to make our time together vanilla. As even the most oblivious could predict, one kiss turned in to one wonderful hour on his couch, which very quickly turned chocolate (if one assumes that chocolate is the opposite of vanilla - I'm not really sure it is... I imagine kink being a little more exotic, like a dulce de leche ice cream with bananas, cashews and a fudge swirl). Once I finally surfaced from my lust-induced haze, I remembered that I don't really 'do' vanilla sex, so I wasn't at all surprised when we reverted to our D/s roles. It helped clarify to me that when I has said I needed "vanilla" time, I meant "vanilla and platonic" ... in which case, I suspect that it won't take long for me to want 'D/s and platonic' ... I simply need to spend some time NOT high on sex hormones around him.

While discussing this issue with a friend, she ever so succinctly summed up *exactly* what I'm looking for and what I need:

maybe I'm totally off, but it seems to me what you're really looking for from LD isn't really vanilla... it's just... what sort of guy are you when you're not dominating me, right? like, are you trustworthy in other aspects of your life / do you strangle kittens for fun. The sort of background you usually get with someone you're dating because you're hanging out with them a bit as a prelude to sexytimes

The Argument for Deception
LD asked me the other day, what the difference would be in our relationship if I had never found out about his deception. After some thought, I decided that the only *actual* change would be that there would be unconditional belief in what he says... no brief moments of doubt when plans change or when he tells me something. He pointed out that to some people, this would be an argument FOR deception - what they don't know won't hurt them (or the relationship). He did agree though that in the long run it is far better that he came clean, and that it would build a stronger relationship. It's my thought that if one gets away with a deception once, they will try so again, and that can lead to a devastating downward spiral. Not to mention, it is so much more harmful to find out about a deception later rather than sooner.

I've been thinking about this quite a bit since then... I just don't know him well enough. If this had happened later in our relationship, or if we had been friends first, or if I knew him better in some other way, I'd have a better idea of his character - I'd know if it was common for him to tell white lies to make things easier for him, or if this was a one time occurrence. I'd know how trustworthy he is as a person, not just as a play partner. I do not for one minute believe that he deceived me out of any malicious intent. That said, you do not bring up the issue of prevarication so adamantly on a first date unless you, yourself, have been hurt by a deception or have some sort of special relationship with it. Is he a compulsive liar weaving a life story made out of moonbeams and cobwebs? No, of course not. Does he tell white lies like every other person on the planet? Of course. I just need to get to know him well enough to know where in that spectrum he falls, and decide if I can live with that. I can't do that when I can barely remember my own name due to the hormones coursing through my veins.

Abstinence
It is NOT the answer... don't let ANYONE tell you that. I am going through batteries like mad, yo and I need my medical status ASAP so that I can move forward. Even if I may not be ready to commit myself to a 24/7 M/s relationship, i'm certainly ready to fall to my knees (or any other position he desires) and please him in every carnal way imaginable. As LD so eloquently put it:

I recognize that the biggest reason for the duration of our platonic stage falls from medical imperatives, and yet I am finding that this uncharacteristic (for me) abstinence is contributing substantially to my appreciation of you. So, your need to spend time with me unaffected by neurochemical reactions is welcome.

I am not sure how long I can resist consummating some of the carnal visions I have for you, but for the moment it is almost as stimulating to fantasize about these things with you than would be the actual act. And herein lies a trap, for I do not want to get conditioned to orgasming to thoughts of you before becoming accustomed to how our bodies interact.

If only my doctor would return my calls...

Self Pleasure
Oh yes DR, there is much of this. This man drives me wild, even in my thoughts. On NYE, LD gave me a new rule - with each orgasm, I am to say "Your slut comes for You, Sir"... those of you who have had sex with me know that I am pretty incoherent once I'm aroused, especially if I am letting my control go. This has made for quite a challenge, but I've been fairly successful so far. I am finding this phrase, and thoughts of Him, to be a focus while I am masturbating - a goal to work towards as it were, which is somewhat helpful considering my first orgasm can be very difficult to achieve. Not only this, but I am finding that it alters my mindset... Once again, it comes down to control, and I believe this is His motivation behind this phrase. I am associating my masturbation and orgasm with being under His control - by saying this phrase I am in effect belonging to Him for that brief moment. It is no longer myself who is coming - it is in fact His orgasm, coming from His slut. I am no longer masturbating for myself - I am masturbating (and orgasming) for Him. I will admit that saying the phrase can be motivation enough to try for 'just one more' ... in that moment that I am saying it I generally find myself in that head space of being 'His' and I find it very arousing...If nothing else, He ensures that if I have been using other wank material to get off, that at the very least I associate my moment of climax with Him. He owns that moment.

What are We?
I talk about how I'm not ready for a 24/7 relationship - that I need more time, more knowledge, more whatever... yet when I went to get my hair done, I consulted with him on length... I let him control my orgasms and I am now orgasming for Him. The other night, he looked at my nails and told me to consult with him on colour before I got them done next time... I am slowly giving him more and more control, and am feeling like the urban legend about boiling a frog alive by slowly raising the temperature. I am conflicted. The submissive in me gladly agrees to all of his commands and demands, while the independent part of me (I won't call it my Dominant side) shrieks that I have not agreed to cede this much day-to-day control to him. If this continues, what will be left to give him when I am ready to make that commitment? What will really mark the different between being owned and being free, if he already owns me in action, just not name? Don't misunderstand me, I am the one who initiated consultation regarding my hair, and it really makes no difference to me if he chooses my nail colour or the hot Vietnamese nail girl does. I just feel the temperature in this pot getting warmer.


Well DR, I apologize for this utterly boring post - I would have thought that the combination of cold medicine and painkillers would have made for far more amusing writing, but such is life. Gone are my wild days of random anonymous (bad) sex... I am just another angsty blog, spewing out my thoughts like the blood pouring from an emo kids wrists...