This little piggy is playing by the rules...

Hello DR - did you all have a good Atheist Winter Break (AWB)?

I've managed not to gain any weight over the holidays thus far... something about having the nickname 'piggy' echo through my head every time I reach for any of the baking I did is an effective deterrent... so I suppose it's good for something ;) Instead, I brought in all of my baking to work. If nothing else, my coworkers are all very grateful to LD without knowing to whom or why they are grateful.

LD has been away, visiting family, since the 23rd, and is due back on Wednesday. I told myself that I would follow 'the rules' while he was away and not initiate any contact with him - let him enjoy his time with his family.  He started out texting me every morning, which was sweet, but stopped on the 26th. I'm assuming that his family has been kidnapped by pirates and are now in the hold of some ship while the ninjas battle overhead trying to save them.  Then his pet monkey who is secretly a Nazi will betray him to the French (wait, he IS the French... suspicious) and the ninjas will have to break him out of his carbonite prison in order join the other rebel scum in destroying the pirates. Truly Epic  I look forward to hearing the story when he returns home.  (I may have watched a lot of Harrison Ford movies this past week)

I've also been spending this 'break' doing some thinking about our trust issues and how to overcome them, as well as trying to take an 'outsiders' look at my behaviour and reactions.

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I really let myself get carried away, eh?  I may talk the talk about taking a step back and putting my guard back up, but I've failed miserably at it.  I'm just as entrenched as I always was... nothing has changed except that my rational side is stopping me from acting and making a fool of myself - thank god for that.   My introspection this week has helped me come up with a master plan on how to deal with this trust thing though...   

On the one hand, I could stop playing with him all together and insist on 'vanilla' dates to get to know him better and see if that regrows that trust that was lost...  downside to this is that there is so much sexual tension between us, and roles already defined, that I KNOW D/s would leak through... there's no way we could be completely vanilla together, without so much effort that we would be concentrating more on that than on getting to know each other better. 

My other initial idea was to continue with our play dates, and work my way towards submitting as far as I can with him... but only during our play dates.  Once I walk out of his apartment I am "my own woman" so to speak.   The risk of this is that so far we really only spend time playing and I risk my judgement becoming clouded by the submission and stop thinking objectively.

So the more I thought of these scenarios, the more it seemed like the solution was to combine them.  I will work towards submitting to him to the fullest extent possible when we are in his home and I belong to him.  I am also going to insist on time spent together as equals - either out on dates or in his or my home, where we can get to know each other better in a more 'vanilla' setting.  Time together where I don't have to worry about saying or doing something to get myself punished. This won't be easy on either of us - I know that what I'm asking is something that LD is not used to, so it will be a struggle on his part.  In my opinion, this is good - he should have to struggle a little to regain my trust.  On my part, I will have to remember that when we are together as equals that we are together as equals - that I am my own woman and can act as such and that when our dynamic leaks in to our date, that I can choose whether or not to adhere to it.

My hope, is that through this I will regain my trust in him, and will desire our vanilla dates to become less and less vanilla, until over time I reach that point where I trust him enough to become his, completely and utterly.

Pet Names

LD has been searching for a pet name to call me for some time now... pretty much since we've started dating.  Name calling is something that I enjoy, and it fits in so well with humiliation play, or to put me in the proper mindset for a scene... Aside from the variety of names used 'in scene', having a regular pet name is affectionate, it sets a mood/mindset even when not in scene, reminds the submissive of their place...  LD has a name, which I do not know, which he would like to call me... one day... once our dynamic is at that point...  His second choice, and my name for the time being is...

piggy

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...

...

Are you all done with your moral indignation and gasping?  One friend, when I told her my pet name, responded with "omg I would cry".  'Humiliating' names are apparently fine for play, but not as an every day nickname.

Do I like the nickname 'piggy'? not particularly; I'm not particularly against it either.  I'm actually fairly apathetic about it... it doesn't bring about any strong reaction of shame or embarrassment... nor does it fill me with warm fuzzy feelings of love and tenderness.  It does make me feel slightly more self conscious about my weight, but considering I'm trying to drop a few pounds, that's not a bad thing.  Will I want to blush and stammer and whisper it the first time he makes me call myself piggy?  Probably... Will I let myself? No.  Will I learn to love it? Most likely... much as giving my husband the middle finger has come to represent "I love you", any demeaning/degrading/disrespectful action or word can take on its own meaning to a couple.

On that note... I'm off to market - I've got a roast beef to purchase...

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Where to draw the line?

Have you missed me, Dear Readers?

When we last left our story, I was unraveling a web of deceit which had been spun around me. I'm not going to get in to the details here, but suffice it to say that I was lied to, which has broken my trust and we are working to get that back. One of my stipulations of this, was that I wouldn't submit any further than I already had, until I felt that that trust had returned. Originally I had told him that I would bottom for him, but not submit. After some discussion, I agreed that I would only submit to the level that I already had.

I will admit that I am finding this to be a bit of a challenge, both from the original challenge of submitting after so long, and the fact that when I am in his presence I just want to lose myself to him, which I just can't do right now. I HAVE to hold myself in reserve... keep that control so that I don't move quicker than I ought to... My emotional/submissive side might be keen to pick up where we left off... but my rational side knows that I just can't move that quickly without regretting it later.

This brings me to my conundrum for the moment, DR (are you excited that you've gotten your own initials Dear Readers? I promise I don't put you in the same category as the other prospects... you and me have something special).

I had a date last night with LD. During that time he asked me if, within the four walls of his home, I belonged to him. I replied yes. However, I find myself wondering if it is fair to belong to someone in a 'scene' sense, when you are working to rebuild the trust required to belong to them in a much more 24/7 M/s sense. Is this the way to regain that trust? Or will it just blur the lines and make things confused? Can I truly let myself belong to him during a scene, or will those trust issues get in the way?

Despite my saying that I would not submit any further, LD verbalized an expectation that... I was supposed to intuitively have known(?) regarding not being 'helpful' and acting before being ordered to. I had arrived with the mindset that we were at a plateau... our relationship in stasis, so to speak, and arrived to a new rule. Upon reflection I decided that this didn't really push my level of submission much farther than it was already at, and so I've added it to my list of rules and will make every effort to incorporate it in to my behaviour around him. But that brings me back to my original confusion.

When I told him that I would not submit to him any further than I already have... did I mean during play or as a relationship level? If I am able to overcome the trust issue and submit to him fully during play, will that not blur my judgement/actions in submitting to him as a development of our relationship? Or... by submitting to him 'en scene' will that help me to work towards trusting him him enough to submit to him as part of the M/s relationship we're working towards? I told him that actions speak louder than words, and while I've said before that I trust him implicitly with my physical safety, how is he to prove to me that he is trustworthy with everything else unless I give him the opportunity?

Delving in to psychoanalyic bullshit for a moment... is the reason that I am 'helpful' and jump the gun on his orders because we have not resolved this yet? Is this a symptom of our trust issues - not that I don't actually trust him to remove my bra, or remember to take off my watch, but that I have not been able to reach the mindset to really submit in every way and this is how it is manifesting itself? Am I perhaps not able to fully submit even during a scene at the moment? If so, how do I get myself to that point? I can verbalize that I trust him to submit to him during a scene, but if my actions bely my words... what do I do?

More Questions...

If he was doing something that he felt he wasn't being upfront about, why would he post to his twitter about it? He had no way of knowing if I was following his twitter or not, but had to know that I'd see it eventually...

Why is he putting in effort to explain and 'make things right'? Things are so new that surely it would be easier to just drop me and find a new mark if he was conning me? Yet, he replied to the text message I sent last night about the airline not cancelling their flights, saying that he would call me this evening because he doesn't want me to be troubled.  He hasn't invested that much time in me - I don't see the motivation to lie your way out of a situation like you would with a relationship you'd had forever.

Why would he invite me to check up on him, unless he really believed he was telling the truth?  He has to know me well enough by now to know that I WOULD check, and not just take his offer as confirmation of truth. 

Is my judgement in men really this bad? I mean... seriously?  I'm not talking about my bad luck in the bedroom (as evidenced by this blog),  but in relationships in general...  I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with DH, because he seems to be the big exception to my track record.  Maybe he's leading a secret second life behind my back?

He seems to genuinely care, and we seem to be compatible in a million different ways... but how much of that is truth? On the other hand, what's the point of concocting a huge scam? Some of it must be truth...

Weird thing is... I'd still trust him to play with him.  I'd put my physical safety into his hands in a heartbeat, and I'm feeling this loss of trust worse than the hardest lashing he'd ever given me.  This, folks, is why I usually stick to random one night stands... keep the emotions out of it and there's less opportunity for heartbreak and angst.

Confused

Dear Readers, I come to you for your advice...  I am going to try and present this as neutrally as possible, prior to posting my own thoughts below.

1) When LD and I first met, he was emphatic that if he ever caught me lying, he would drop me immediately

2) Yesterday, LD was supposed to be leaving on a business trip early in the morning.  He came online and I asked how his flight was.  He told me that his early flight had been cancelled and he was booked for an early afternoon flight instead.  He told me that, in fact, the airline in question had been shut down all morning due to the winds and weather we're currently having.

3) LD logs off to go catch his flight, and curious to see if he would be able to make it out ok, I check the airline website.  All of their flights from our hometown to his destination show up as having left and arrived.

4) This sets off my radar and I decide to do a little more digging.  I re-stumble across his twitter, where the following is posted:

just home from date # 2. Was it always this hard?8:59 PM Dec 5th from EchofonDecember 5th, if you'll recall, was the day that I got my piercings done.  When we originally made plans, we were going to spend the afternoon/evening together after I got pierced.  In the week before, he cancelled that portion of our plans, citing 'so sorry, but I have a personal issue I need to resolve and that aft/evening is my only opportunity'  On the day of the piercing he also had some work issues come up which were to fill up his afternoon.5) Two days ago I asked: "I'd like clarifications on the monogamy/polygamy aspects of our relationship... I am not allowed to play with anyone without your express permission (husband being the exception) - will you be pursuing other play partners/relationships?" His reply was "good question. answer is no. however, I might (one hopes) aquire a primary partner of my own one day... which would be my equivalent of your husband." and "I think this subject requires much more talk,... but perhaps not until you and I have decided whether to cross the line we are quickly approaching" 6) He called me last night when I mentioned that I was upset and needed come clarification on these issues. He explained that his 'date' was with a legal professional friend in matters relating to his ex-wife, and that he did not give me details because he didn't feel we were at a level where we would be sharing the dirty laundry of our lives with each other.  He insisted that the morning flights had been cancelled, and in fact his afternoon flight was delayed as well.  He encouraged me to continue checking up on him.7) With that in mind, I called the airline in question - they did not cancel any of their flights yesterday, though there were delays all day.
I am confused and torn.  Even as I write this, I know what the clear answer is, but I also know that things aren't always as they seem.  Am I just deluding myself because I've had such bad luck and LD and I have so much chemistry?  I certainly don't/didn't need all of the sordid details, but why "I have a personal issue" instead of "I have to meet someone regarding my ex wife"?  That Tweet really doesn't sound like it was a platonic meeting, now does it?  Don't get me wrong, I'm not pissed off that he cancelled plans with me to go on a romantic outing - a simple "I've got a date tonight" would have been fine.  I have a primary relationship, who am I to deny that for anyone else?  He clarified last night that he was not planning on pursuing any other BDSM relationships.This leads me to question though - is he looking for a vanilla primary?  Why? At what point would he tell this girl about me? Is he really going to find a "vanilla" primary who is ok with him having a sex slave on the side?  She's not really 'vanilla' then, now is she?
Why would you lie about something so easily verified by phone?  This double baffles me, because he has admitted to me a number of things that put him in a less-than-positive light... and you don't tell lies that make you look bad, right?  So why tell the truth about these big things, and then lie about something so small and easily verified?  Unless he's not lying and he was told that the flight was cancelled and didn't verify himself?  There is a big part of me that wants to accept what he's saying and just move on... I call her irrational!Rubenesque ... logical!Rubenesque is pointing out that even if all of my questions were answered satisfactorily, it still leaves him not being 100% upfront and honest with me.  I can't help but ask... If he were in my shoes... what would he do?  Dear Readers - what would you do? 

I feel pretty... oh so pretty...

I've been wearing makeup for a week now... 7 days of concealer and foundation; lipstick and eyeliner...

Someone tell me how to get mascara off!  I scrub my face and eyes raw every evening and every morning I wake up with mascara smudges under my eyes.  What gives?!  I've tried the pre-moistened makeup remover clothes, I've tried make up remover lotion... nothing seems to get it all off.

My own personal challenges aside.  In the past 7 days, I have received 10 compliments on my appearance... "you're looking pretty today" "have you done something different?" "did you get new glasses? your hair is different? you look good today".  On the one hand, who doesn't like compliments? It's nice to know that other people find you attractive or that you've done something to get their notice.  On the other hand, it still burns that the reason I'm getting these compliments is solely because I am now made up.

It is becoming a habit though... Today, LD left for a short business trip, so I am 100% certain that I will not be seeing him tonight.  My rule is very clear that the only time I am *required* to be made up is in his presence...  and yet I dutifully did my makeup this morning, thinking of him as I did it.  Yesterday, there was some confusion between am and pm on my alarm clock and I woke up when I should have been leaving the house.  With piercings to clean and lunch to put together, despite all of the running around, I did my makeup before rushing out the door.  Sunday, I caught myself throwing on some concealer and lip gloss before going grocery shopping. 

I'm afraid of turning in to one of *those girls*... it feels like it won't be long until I will be like my sister - unable to let anyone see my natural face, dependent on this artificial beauty.

On a completely separate note, I "pleasantly surprised" LD last night when I called to wish him a safe and stress-free trip.  I was planning on leaving a message for him, in that he was at an event, but to my delight he picked up the phone.  I like 'pleasantly surprising' him... it means that I've exceeded his expectations, and that's a goal that I strive for.  There was lots of background noise so it was difficult to hear everything he said, but I secured a promise that he would let me know once he'd returned home safely.  It's not that I fear his travel methods, it's just nice to know when he's home. 

Sadly, the fates are conspiring against us, for after this business trip he has family visiting for the weekend, and he is away again for the beginning of next week, concluding the trip that he is on now.  It will actually be a week from today before our schedules will allow us to see each other.  I suppose this gives me plenty of time to get my baking done for the holidays.

Indiscriminate

After that lighthearted intermission, it's back to the serious stuff dear readers... and boy do I have a great topic!

I am (apparently) indiscriminate.  I am bisexual, poly, a switch, and equally happy with high and low protocol relationships/play.  That's right folks - I will play with anyone, anytime, in any capacity.  It annoys me when people make the assumption that because I like "both" (of whatever it may be) it means that I like "all" or "any".  That is a rant for another time, I specifically wanted to discuss protocol and polyamory (or linguistically correctly - polyphilia or multiamory) today.

These are closely linked for me right now, because I am in a very interesting position - my husband is my primary relationship, however we do not have any real D/s dynamic anymore.  When we did, we would be what one would describe as "no/low-protocol".  With LD, He is significantly higher up on that scale... I would say we're mid-protocol with periods of high protocol thrown in in public. 

There has traditionally been much conflict between the 'Old Guard'/high-protocol crowd and the low-protocol group.  High-Protocol believes that Low-Protocol aren't seriously in to the lifestyle, will never be more than just 'kinky' or are only in it for bedroom games.  Low-Protocol thinks that High-Protocol is stuck up and too confined by their own rules, full of themselves, or taking things too seriously.  Obviously these are generalizations and I know plenty of people who identify as one or the other who aren't anything like this, however it is a perception that remains on both sides.

I've done High-Protocol scenes as a submissive, and have enjoyed them.  I have had Low-Protocol relationships and scenes from both sides, and enjoyed those.  Now that I am embarking on a mid/high-protocol relationship I've started doing some further research in to protocol (we all know how much I like to be informed... is it possible to have a research-fetish?).  I found some really great web pages, including this one: http://www.mselorin.com/protocol.html which very closely follows my own thoughts and ideas on the subject. I encourage you to give it a read, it's quite thought provoking.   

Having never been in a High-Protocol relationship, I am a Tabula Rasa - coming in to this relationship with LD without any previous training that He will have to 're-program'... experienced enough to be able to play hard, but new enough to be able to mold into whatever shape He desires.

But wait... what about DH?  How does one reconcile a 24/7 M/s relationship (using an extreme example) with what is essentially a vanilla marriage.  If you look at my rules page, DH is an exception to many rules... for example - no sexual contact with others... except DH.  So what is stopping me, when I've been denied orgasms for 2 weeks, to initiate a little hanky-panky with my husband?  Does that encounter just not count?  It certainly is within the letter of the rule set forth for me, but seems to be breaking the spirit of the rule a little, no?  There are plenty of other ways that I could 'break the rules' using DH as an excuse if I wanted to... really any rule could be broken justifying that it was interfering with my vanilla home life, which is my primary relationship and priority.

the thing is... I don't want to do that... it's not part of my personality or mindset to look for loopholes and excuses (ok, I LOOK for loopholes, I just don't use them, DH is the king of loopholes)

that doesn't change the fact that I can foresee potential conflict between my relationship with LD and my relationship with DH.  This is going to be complicated to maintain and will require a lot of communication amongst all parties to ensure that toes aren't stepped on.  This brings me to my biggest fear...

LD and DH meeting.

Scratch that, it's not their meeting that I fear - that will happen sooner or later and is a requisite for any secondary relationships I have (though I do have concerns over the low-protocol / high-protocol potential for conflict).  My *real* fear is LD and DH getting along.. and colluding...  DH knows all of my likes, dislikes, fears, and buttons...  he could give LD a great many ideas that I'd prefer not be known (who the hell blows air in your face to watch your reaction like you're some sort of kitten?!).  Of course, now that I've written this I've practically guaranteed that the two of them will at some point gang up against me and make my life... interesting.

It mean, would be great if they got along, just not.. toooo well, yaknow?

And now for something completely different...

Gee, things have been getting serious around here lately... what's up with that?!

So let's break things up a little with a blast from the past...

Remember BR?  So he's moved to BC, where he is now unemployed in a different province... The other day though, I received this gem:

Hey R,

Just wanted to toss you a quick note to let you know I'm in BC now. I'm really sorry for the way things were left between us. I wish I had made some smarter choices. I hope you don't hold it all against me. I'm trying not to be a dick anymore.

Anyway, hope things are great with you. I miss you.



Isn't that sweet? He misses me and is trying to rectify his dickish ways.

Let's all wish him the best of luck with that!

You are feeling sleepy...

Back when I was a wee young pervert, and the Internet was in its infancy - before my parents clued in that they should be watching what I was doing - I stumbled across my first porn.  This wasn't porn in the heteronormative male-centric visual cornucopia of tits and cunts sense, but a website of erotic stories... some of it fan fiction, 99% of it not.  What caught my interest about this website though was its central theme.  Mind Control.  These stories all focused on hypnotism and other forms of mind control, though the majority of them also included other aspects of BDSM.  This was, I suppose, my first exposure to pornography outside of the chat rooms that I had previously been haunting, practicing my flirtation and seduction skills.  Needless to say, I was hooked.  At that time, my thoughts tended to identify most with the submissives in the stories.  This was the ultimate submission! You've given up *ALL* control!  With a single command, your own body can betray you, compulsion leading you to all sorts of debauchery.  What could be hotter?!

Well, my parents eventually realized that they should be monitoring my Internet usage, and my time sitting in front of the computer reading smut came to an end (for a few years anyways).  They probably would have been better off letting me rub one out to the dirty stories online as opposed to where my life led me next, but that's not a story I'll be telling here.  The new and wonderful things that I learned online though stuck with me.  I knew right away that I identified as kinky (yes, at the tender age of... 11) and through the years the idea of mind control has stayed with me, as my secret little fantasy.  Wanting to be completely controlled, and as I grew in to my Dominant side, wanting to control.  I still go back to that website from time to time to immerse myself in the smut there.

I finally decided to do something about this fantasy recently. 

I found someone online who does hypnotism erotically (we shall call him ER) and we started chatting.  We get along fairly well and he's agreed to teach me how to hypnotise, as well as to put me under and implant some post-hypnotic triggers.  I've always wanted to have some trigger words implanted to make me cum on command... it's always seemed to be a ... useful... compulsion.  So, we made plans for Saturday after I had my piercings done.

This was possibly not the best time to have done this, in that I was unable to touch myself... as of right now, my trigger words make me aroused, but no orgasm. (I have 2 trigger words, one to orgasm silently, the other a more generic trigger that will allow LD to specify conditions surrounding the orgasm).  This isn't much of a surprise, because my brain is a very interesting place.  I go under quite easily and quite deeply, but part of me is unable to completely let go of my critical thinking faculties and some commands work better than others.  Pair that with the fact that my first orgasm of a session is usually very difficult to obtain, and it's not a surprise that he was unable to make me orgasm through suggestion.  I suspect that it will take some work with joint physical and mental reinforcement before it will be completely successful.  I'm sure that LD is looking forward to the day that he can whisper a trigger word in my ear while we are in public, and watch the struggle on my face as I try not to give myself away.

My memories of my time under are sketchy - it's like trying to remember a dream... indistinct and fuzzy... I remember that being under felt quite similar to subspace - I was floaty but lucid.  I never once felt unable to do anything - for example when I was given the suggestion that my arm was frozen in place and I was unable to move it... I didn't actually feel as though I couldn't move my arm, just "why would I want to move it?".  Some post-hypnotic suggestions worked better than others, but I recall being quite agreeable and suggestible while under.  It was an incredible experience and I can see how it could quickly become addictive (both being under, and putting people under). 

While I *really* enjoy being put under and I look forward to having these trigger words firmly implanted, I'm also looking forward to learning these skills... it's difficult to get a sense of what to do when you're under, because your memory is so spotty afterwards.  I suspect that I will have to find a victim...er... volunteer...  to eventually come with me when I meet ER so that he can demonstrate and I can practice... I promise not to do anything too evil while you're under...

Needle Play

Let me make this perfectly clear - I dislike needle play... it is NOT my preferred form of pain.

That said, the results can be beautiful and useful.

Yesterday, I went in with LD to get some piercings done that I'd been planning - re-piercing my nipples as well as having a Christina put in.

For those of you who haven't already rushed to Google it, a Christina is a 'L' shaped surface piercing that enters where the outer labia meet at the top, and exits about 3/4" of an inch above, through the mons.

I am grateful to have had LD there with me, because even though the actual piercing wasn't that horrible, my nerves started to get to me just prior to going in to get pierced.  Having him there centered me and gave me an alternate focus.  

I am the proud new owner of 3 new holes!  There isn't much pain to speak of, though if I put pressure on them accidentally they are tender.  Hopefully healing will go quickly.

Friday is Smutday!

"you are a fat pig slut whore... *slap* undisciplined... *slap* untrained *slap* and too much in control. *slap* Don't worry though *slap* I will break you *slap* and remake you... no matter how much I have to beat out of you"

He lectures me as the blows rain across my face and head, occasionally travelling lower to torture my tits...  I see stars and stagger at a particularly hard blow, trying my hardest to stay in position.

"What are you supposed to call me?" he suddenly asks.

"Sir" I mumble through my gag, drool escaping and making its slow, slimy journey down my chin and chest.  I pay it no mind - this is an important lesson that I have just fucked up.

"that's right, slut, 'yes, SIR' *slap*, 'I'm doing well, SIR' *slap* 'I would like to inform you that I am enjoying our evening, SIR' *slap* Do you understand?"

Tears start to form in the corners of my eyes.  Not from the pain, but from the anguish I am feeling at the disappointment I've caused both myself and Him.  I long to let go and let them pour down, to mingle with the drool that I am no longer capable of holding back. To become nothing but a weeping mess, grovelling for his forgiveness.  I am a strong and proud person though.  I regain my posture, look Him in the eye and enunciate as clearly as I can with a mouthful of rubber - "yes SIR"

He looks at me with disgust.  "You really are pathetic, whore.  You possess too much control, too much desire to be the one controlling.  You need to learn to let go.  You need to learn your place.  You need to learn to CALL ME SIR.  Do you not trust me?"

"Yes Sir, I do" I nod emphatically to make my point.

"Obviously you do not.  You have not trusted me enough to give up your control to me, now have you slut?"

"No Sir"

"Turn around and hold the chair"

On shaky legs I bend over and assume a position I know well.  A part of me is relieved that the beating will not be too bad.  If he meant to seriously whip me he would have me seated so that I would not collapse.

I hear the falls of the flogger cut through the air and the first blow to my back nearly knocks the breath out of me.  I grunt and gasp through the gag.  Blows begin to rain down on me... my back, my ass, my ribs, my thighs... no area is safe as he takes out my transgression on my hide.  Soon I am moaning and crying out, my flesh bright pink and hot to the touch, welts forming upon welts.  Soon it is all that I know... the outside world has ceased to exist and my entire focus is on the steady ebb and flow of pain.  Soon *I* cease to exist... I am nothing but a fiery ball of burning flesh, made up entirely of pain and His will.  A particularly strong blow makes me open my eyes and cry out. Three more blows in quick succession to the tender flesh under my arms has me let out one last scream and allow the tears to fall. 

My knees give out and I find myself sobbing on the floor, mumbling through the gag "I'm sorry Sir" as if it were a mantra that would deliver me from this pain.  Distantly, I hear the flogger drop to the floor and I am quickly wrapped up in strong arms, soothing me, telling me what a good girl I have been... With the floodgates open, thick black streaks of mascara run down my cheeks and I look up beseechingly at him, begging his forgiveness with my eyes.  He quickly undoes the gag and cocoons me in a nearby blanket, pulling me next to Him, murmuring sweet words and petting and kissing me wherever he can reach. A hand passes over my flank and I hiss as the residual pain.  "You were very good sweetheart.  I forgive you"

With those words, I sink once more back in to the ocean of endorphins and cuddle up closely to Him. Knowing that I am once more in his good graces, and one step closer to completely belonging to him, brings a smile to my face, even as the tears continue to fall.

Dear Body, You are the worst roommate ever. Love, The Brain

I arrive and kneel at his door, knock, and sit back on my heels to patiently await his arrival. The thought of neighbours walking through the hallway through the hallway and seeing me doesn't phase me - my head is held high - I'm proud to be there on my knees for him.

The door opens and LD is smiling above me. He takes my purse and the toy bag and leaves me briefly in the hallway, returning to give me permission to enter. As I crawl through the entryway, I think "hrmm.. note to self, do not undo scarf prior to entering, lest you choke yourself again" ... Is there any graceful way to crawl while wearing winter gear? I suppose I shall learn.

LD takes my coat and scarf and allows me to stand. He leads me further in to the room, telling me how pretty I look. Despite my best efforts he obviously sees my internal eye roll and comments on it. I reply that it is not the compliment that I have troubles with "I'm pretty without makeup" ... we briefly discuss my blog post and my thoughts and feelings on this.

I remove my shirt and bra for him, and return to position so that we can continue talking. As we discuss everything from the inconsequential ("how was your tattoo consultation?" "Have you eaten?" "How was your day?") to the serious ("I am going to hurt you tonight" "If you are good tonight, I will allow you to see my cock"), LD begins to play with my breasts. Slapping them, pinching the nipples, making me gasp ever so slightly. It will be a while until he is able to play with them again, what with the piercings coming up on Saturday. At this point, it is here that I hit my paradox for the evening... something I'm still thinking through.

I am a Switch. There is a LOT of Dominant in me, and I've been basically nothing but Dominant for the last 7 years. When I am submitting, I reign in those tendencies... I suppose to a certain extent, I use my Dominant side to Dominate itself in to keeping quiet. That said, when I am with LD it's not like there are any Dominant tendencies rearing their head anyways... LD commented again on the 'fire' in my eyes, and how he quite enjoyed it, and would enjoy stripping me of all of my control, until I had none left and was completely under HIS control. If I let go of the control that is keeping my Domme side in check, I only foresee blood and tears on my part... how can I lose control, thereby wanting to TAKE control, and still be under HIS control? I suspect that the war between Domme!Rubenesque and sub!rubenesque will be a challenging ongoing one... this is something that I will have to think on deeply and most likely deserves its very own blog post at some point.

We move on to discussing terms of endearment, and what he shall call me... by the end of the evening there were still no decisions made. Things move forward - I am told to remove my skirt. At this point things because beautifully hazy, so forgive me for the lack of flowery prose (I'm sure you're all waiting for the summary at the bottom anyways).

Nipple clamps go on, I'm bent over the chair, spanked, slapped, punched, flogged. The soundproofing must be amazing! or he has no neighbours sharing a wall. Gag goes in, I nearly topple over trying to demonstrate stomping my feet in high heels as my 'safeword' I'm a beautiful mess... sweaty, breathing heavily, hair messed up and in my face, eyes pleading. I'm bent over the chair again and the flogging begins in earnest. One or two brief moments where I feel I might be on the verge of tears, but he pulls back. Saving that treat for another time?

Tied to the chair, I make the first mistake that is still haunting me... I forget to call him Sir. I sincerely hope that he could see the anguish in my eyes as he beat me for my transgression. I'm close to hyperventilating and inhale when I should have swallowed, and start to cough and choke. I barely even remember him dropping everything and undoing the gag... it just seemed like one moment I couldn't breathe and the next I was gasping and coughing. A few minutes of coughing and some water and I'm feeling better, though apparently hadn't learned me lesson. I forget to call him Sir a second time.

It is at this point that I came my closest to shedding tears - not because of the pain of the beating I received, but from the disappointment - both his and mine for my failure. I am promised to be whipped until I bleed the next time I break this rule... this is also something that's been on my mind, in that blood is a hard limit unless I am fluid bonded with a person. I trust that he would never break my hard limits, but most certainly do not want to find out what an alternate punishment would be should I slip up.

I honestly don't remember too much more of the evening until he untied me. I obviously was not allowed to see or touch his cock directly - I did not earn the privilege and do not deserve to. Wrapped up in a blanket, we briefly discussed the scene and other mundane things such as the logistics of seeing each other. My endorphin high is tainted by my failure, sobering me far quicker than I'd have liked. As I'm getting dressed, he comments that I look very Dominant in my outfit. I reply that I look Dominant in most of my clothing - the key to feeling sexy/attractive is confidence, and appearing confident includes looking in control and powerful. Most of my business clothing achieves this effect. His reply was something along the lines of "we'll fix that". When I told my coworker earlier in the day that LD was interested in having more control over my wardrobe, she mused as to whether this meant I'd become more or less stylish.

We leave and he walks me down to my car... gives me permission for 5 orgasms... It had been almost 4 days since my previous orgasm, and throughout the evening I was wet and horny... However once I got home, I could only manage one - I was too distracted by my failure to get in to the mood... how shitty is that?! 4 days without an orgasm, I'm finally allowed to have some, and I'm too preoccupied beating myself up (when he's already beaten me plenty) to enjoy myself.

TL;DR

I was beaten, I fucked up, I was beaten some more. A good time as had by all.

Dear Readers, this is where things get weird... I look at my body and wonder what the hell is going on. To summarize:

I was slapped across the face to the point of seeing stars and ringing ears

I was flogged, slapped, and punched across my back, flank, ass, thighs and anywhere else he could reach

My tits were slapped, pinched and had clamps on them.

Would anyone like to guess where I've bruised?

My knees. From crawling in and out of the apartment.

Face - not a mark

Body - very faint remnants of a couple of the worst welts, otherwise not even any tenderness or pain

Tits - a couple of small bruises on the undersides, nipples are still plenty tender

Seriously though Body - what the hell is going on here... WHAT. THE. FUCK?! I spent less than a minute on my knees in total, part of that on the carpeting in the hallway outside. I don't understand the process that is causing me to bruise there so easily, when I'm barely (if at all) marking anywhere else. Does anyone else have this problem?

Also, as an aside for those of you who heard about the penis gag - the milk didn't work after all, just delayed the reaction... about 2 minutes in the firecock gag (now its new name) started to burn. The gag definitely needs another round of milk, Sir.

The Business of Pretty...

So far as I embark on this journey I have very few rules... this is good - it gives me a chance to get back in to the swing of things without being overwhelmed and going in to Domme mode :)  Of these rules, the one that everyone seems to think I will have the most trouble with is the orgasm control. 

One friend even went so far as to say "so how long until you rebel? I know how much you like your orgasms."  The truth is, the rule that I am so far struggling the most with isn't that one, it's the makeup rule.  Because I must be made up whenever in his presence, and at the moment there's a certain amount of uncertainty/spontaneity in when we meet, I am trying to get in to the habit of wearing makeup every day.  Otherwise I know that I will forget.  Let me just say though...

I hate makeup.

I hate it because I dislike how it feels.  Even the lightest mineral powder makeup feels heavy and confining and I feel trapped in my own body. I am suddenly not able to rub my eyes for fear of smudging my eyeliner or mascara... must check that my lipstick hasn't faded or been transferred to the bottle of water I'm drinking... is my foundation staying on? am I shiny? is everything in place? 

As I put on my lipstick this morning, I looked in the mirror and thought to myself "I look like a clown".  For the record, I am wearing pale grey eyeshadow with green eyeliner, mineral powder foundation and some "wild berry" lipstick.  All in all fairly understated (I checked with a coworker) - however all the same, I feel like I'm wearing a mask. 

I hate it because it's time consuming.  I will have to wake up at least 15 minutes earlier every morning to make sure I get everything done in the morning.  I hate that I have to be so much more careful, because I'm already prone to breakouts and it can quickly become a vicious circle of "I have acne so I need more foundation / All of this extra foundation is causing acne."  I hate that it starts a snowball effect... if I'm all made up than I HAVE to straighten my hair because it looks so much worse in comparison, and now if I'm wearing makeup and my hair is straightened, I definitely have to dress up for work - no comfy khakis and sweaters...

I hate it because of the societal pressure that I should be wearing it.  Yesterday was my first day getting in to the habit.  I received 3 compliments from people trying to guess what I'd done differently.  I hate that all of a sudden now that I'm all made up, I'm suddenly "pretty" or worthy of notice and compliments. As a teen, I went through that initial stage of discovery and quickly decided that it was a pain in the ass and not worth my effort.  If boys (or girls) didn't find me attractive without makeup, that they weren't worth my time... a philosophy that I still hold pretty close.  Perhaps I just had more self-confidence than other girls? 

My sister, who is the antithesis of myself - tall where I'm short, skinny where I'm rubenesque, blond where I'm brunette...  got heavily in to makeup and has become one of those girls who can't be seen without it.  She will spend half an hour putting on makeup just to run out to the store to grab milk.  As envious as I am at her makeup skills, I will never become one of those girls.  A little part of me though, hates that I'm not one of those girls... that I don't have the skills. My concession to my sister on my wedding day was that I would wear makeup and let her do it.  Never in a million years could I achieve the same effects as her, and I certainly do not denigrate the skill that is required to tastefully apply makeup.  It's just not a skill that I have any desire to posses.

I hate that the beauty industry makes so much money off of such a disposable product.  I was at Sephora last night, picking up refills for my negligible supply of beauty products (If I am to do something, I will do it *right*) and nearly wept at the prices...  I purchased the few basics that I knew should be *good quality* and headed over to Shoppers for the rest.  Silly me for thinking that Shoppers makeup would be less expensive.  All of these supplies will be used up, each application disposed of at the end of the day with no tangible result. 

It has only been 2 days that I have been trying to get in to the habit of being made up every day, and I am already struggling with it.  Does a little part of my enjoy being made up and "looking pretty" ... I suppose so... but the feminist in me has her thoroughly gagged and locked in a closet.  Makeup is a "special occasion" thing, not an every day thing. It's just not who I am.

However...

Each time I touch up my lipstick...  Every time I go to rub my eyes and have to stop... Every time I receive a "have you done something different to your hair? You look really pretty today"... I think of him.

When I "put on my face" in the morning and it feels heavy and confining, it reminds me that it is him who is really confining me... and while I struggle against the shackles, metaphorically, I inevitably give in.

Looking in the mirror and seeing the face looking back at me, (which hardly looks like me!), I see myself through his eyes and revel at knowing that he is pleased with my actions... knowing that enjoys how I look made up...  and will enjoy how I look after he's messed up my makeup even more...

So yes, while I am slowly going insane from not having cum since Sunday night, THIS is my biggest struggle thus far...

Rubenesque's Rules

This post will be to record all rules given to me by LD so that I may remember them correctly and have something to refer to. My #1, overriding rule is obedience to Master.

Personal Grooming

• Makeup is mandatory when going out, and optional in private with His permission
• I will not wear panties while in His presence at any time, unless with express permission
• When clothing is required, I am to wear a skirt whenever with Him
• My bra shall be worn only when necessary

Demeanour

• During Scene I will only do what He tells me to - I am not to "help" or assume that I know what He will ask for next.
• During Scene I will address Him as 'Sir' or 'Master' at all times, and end every comment that comes from my mouth with this address.
• When placed in position, I will not move from that position for any reason.
• I will be on-time, or early whenever we meet. I have the right to suggest alternative times if I will be unable to be on-time for His proposed meeting time.

Positions

• When I am told to 'stand' or 'present' I will stand at attention: my feet shoulder width apart, hands clasped behind me, posture straight, hips and legs relaxed.
• Position #1: I am to kneel on the floor (with pillow), back straight, my hands on my thighs, with a condom-covered dildo suctioned to floor and half-way in my pussy.

La Maison

• When arriving, I shall kneel in the hallway while awaiting permission to enter.

Sex

• He has total control over my orgasms
• Immediately prior to orgasming, to the best of my ability, I will say "Your slut comes for You, Sir/Master"
  
• If not given specific orders, I have carte blanche over my orgasms
• I will not go more than 72 hours without an orgasm unless directly ordered to
• I am to cease playing with all others, save my husband. However, playful groping/cuddling/socializing is allowed as long as my loyalty to Him is not questioned

Diet

• I am not to eat after 19h00 without His permission
• I am not allowed to eat any chocolate products, except those which He feeds me

Introducing LD

If all things go well, the focus of this blog will be changing for a while (or possibly permanently... who knows).  As usual, my recollection when catching you all up on my activities are a little hazy, and this document would not stand up in a court of law...

Friday I was supposed to be attending my sitcom scenario fet event, and then work conspired to fuck me over in a royal way.  At 4:30 I realized that I would be staying late and would not have the energy to go to this party.  I contacted the 2 Doms and DT to let them know.  Now, D2 (henceforth to be refered to as LD or "Le Dom")  and i had been chatting back and forth all day and it turned out he'd be working late at well.  I suggested that we meet for dinner... early enough that I can get to bed at a reasonable hour, yet still allowing me to check out my most promising candidate.

And the Fates looked down upon me and said "yeahhhhh let's screw with her a little" ...

5:30 - I'm putting the finishing touches on this diagram that I've been working on all day.  I go to PDF it and.. ... half of the graphics are coming out looking like they're made of bar codes.  I delete the file and try again... same result.  I close my program, reopen it.  I try converting to PDF in a different way. I try begging the Fates...   I try restarting my computer... I try cursing the Fates...  I go to the party for whom I'm creating this document and ask her to resend the photos... I replace one of the photos and pdf it.  Hallelujah! It worked!  I go through and replace every other photo in this diagram.  PDF it. ... ... FUCK YOU FATES IT'S NOT NICE TO TEASE! 

5:45 - I go to the party and tell them that unfortunately, because the work was given to me at the last minute, I'm unable to fix this issue within the time constraints given and they will have to go to the client with a diagram with messed up photos.

6:00 - I'm rushing to get out the door, I had made plans with LD for 6:30 and am now running late.  Oh No! Senior Staff Member right ahead starts engaging me in conversation... dude, if you have a crappy home life by all means spend Friday night here, but don't stop the rest of us from finally leaving!

6:10 - I'm out the door! Text LD to let him know that I will be late.  Into my car, onto the highway...  WTH, this direction on the highway is usually low traffic... why is everyone stopped?

7:00ish - I finally make it downtown and to our table.  Great first impression Rubenesque... you prize punctuality and are half an hour late for your first date.  This puts me off my game to the point that LD comments that I look flustered.  Great.

Things quickly calm down and we begin to talk.  I get a glass of wine, he orders some calamari to share and we chat.  The chemistry we felt online is easily transferred and there is a simmering sexual tension between us.  The gentleman at the table next to us gives me a few strange looks as he eavesdrops on our discussion.  I'm sure they had a good laugh over it later when he told the rest of his group.

Dinner ends... 9:30 already!  He asks me if I'm interested in pursuing this further, to which I reply that I do... this seems to catch him off guard for a moment - he seemed to think I'd need time to think this over, but really at this point the only information I had needed to make that decision was whether or not our chemistry extended to real life, and whether or not I got a vibe that I could trust him.  With both answers yes, we made plans to meet on Saturday afternoon for a brief date.

We head off and LD offers to walk me to my car, which I readily accept.  Once there, we kiss... and kiss.. and kiss some more.  He grabs my throat and my hair and I whimper...  more delicious kissing... I can taste the red wine he'd been drinking and the subtle flavour that is purely *him* (yes, cliche I know, but so true) ... we part and make it over to the drivers side of the car, where he opens the door for me.  One last kiss where he firmly grabs a handful of my hair and pushes me in to the drivers seat.  I need a moment to compose myself before I'm capable of driving.  WOW!

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon.  I have the toys that I've been ordered to bring, and directions to his place.  I head over and after some technical glitches (WTF, I have no cell phone service?) we make it up to his place.  We spend a very pleasant couple of hours together, where he begins to get to know my body and how I react to various stimulus.  All of it fairly tame, but a good warm up considering it's been almost 7 years since the last time I deeply submitted to anyone, and we are practically strangers.  One half of me revels in the thought of him controlling me on various levels... while the other half bristles at being micromanaged.  Luckily nothing we did brought out the Domme in me, because I suspect I will get in real trouble should I try to turn the tables.

By the end of Saturday, I have given control over my orgasms to him, and have received rules concerning entry/exit (always crawling, then kneeling in the hallway until released) and my clothing (no panties).  I made a date for him to join me during my piercing, and to spend time with him afterwards.   On Sunday we made plans for Thursday evening as well, after my tattoo consultation.

I'm warning you folks now, this blog is about to get very explicit and possibly quite disturbing.  Let the Wild Rumpus Begin!