Friday, March 26, 2010

Spending too much time in my own head...

Have you missed me Dear Readers?  I've been quiet lately, haven't I?

Almost makes you wish fondly for the angst filled days of bad one night stands, eh?  Too bad sex with LD is so good, otherwise I'd have more stories for you ;)  maybe I'll try to be more diligent in posting some of our hotter scenes...

Lately I've been thinking a lot of commitment, and collars, and emotions.  In the past couple of weeks the 'L' word has shown its head and thrown me in to an existential whirlwind.   How do you know that it's love? Can one develop love that quickly? LD and I have been dating for 4 months... mind you we've spent quite a bit of time together (most of the weekends, plus one evening a week) and we chat almost every day... I don't remember how long DH and I were dating before we said we loved one another...  it was within the first year... and the weather was still warm so I'm guessing within the first 6 months, but I don't remember exactly... I certainly have been missing Him the same way I miss DH when he's gone... 

But at the same time, I still put in that effort to appear 'perfect' when I spend time with Him... I don't bring my nightguard when I spend the night... I despair about my complexion and how hairy I am and whether my hair looks good...  is that how you define love? When you no longer try to hide the 'unsexy' parts of you?  Laying yourself bare for them to see and saying "I am as far from perfect as a person can get.  Love me, not the illusion I wear every day"

This brings me to the question of commitment... collars and fluid bonding and all that... How well do I feel I have to know Him to take that plunge?  I'm sure that there are deep dark secrets that I don't know (and likewise I'm sure there's stuff He doesn't know about me).  Despite our rocky start, I'd say that there's a lot of trust that's developed... I have His keys while He's gone, I've been helping Him with His personal filing and have access to all sorts of personal information (not that I've looked).  But how much better do I have to know Him?  I suppose it depends on our definition of 'collaring' ...  Complete and total ownership... 24/7 (or as close as it can get)  utter, absolute ownership to me is akin to marriage... it's a very serious commitment which I know that I am not ready for.  It took 5 years for DH and I to get married! (though we knew were were going to get married long before that... it was at LEAST a year though, maybe 2)... a lesser level of collaring/ownership? I might be prepared to make that vow... I suppose this requires some in depth discussion between LD and I as to what we both are looking for and what we expect.  As for fluid bonding, due to some medical issues that's off the table until August... that is *definitely* something I'm looking forward to.  

I don't know that this rambling has really helped me sort out my thoughts or come to any great conclusions...  I do know that the thought of not having LD in my life is painful though, so maybe that's indication enough?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Gifts

I am crap at giving gifts.  

Let me clarify...  it's the "occasion" gifts that frustrate me.  Run of the mill Birthday/Christmas/etc gifts for those I care about make me want to curl into a ball and suck my thumb until the whole thing passes me by.

See the thing is... I give gifts alllll of the time.  I'm one of those people who will buy a new pen for their stationary-supply-crazed coworker because I saw it and thought she'd like it.  I pack a bag full of low-carb-healthy-airplane-friendly-tasty snacks for LD's 60 hours of travel time for His flight to Bali, because i know He dislikes airplane food.  I buy treats for DH every time I go grocery shopping, or make his favourite foods even though they're not to my liking... I bring cookies to work on Mondays. I like to show people that I love and appreciate them *every* day... not just on days society says are special. (wow, this makes me sound like some sort of Suzy Sunshine)  

I also feel that "major gifts" should be occasions on their own.  You don't propose to someone for their birthday... a proposal should be its own special event.  Going to collar me? Fluid bond? These aren't 'gifts' that should piggy back on to a holiday... that's just cheating and it overshadows the occasion that you're supposed to be celebrating.

So that leaves me stumped when it comes to 'occasion' gifts...  DH and I don't exchange gifts, so that makes things easy, but LDs birthday is coming up in the beginning of April... and I have no. clue. what. to. do.

How do I think of something that is *more* meaningful than my every day displays of affection and appreciation, but not so meaningful that it overshadows the occasion that we're celebrating?  I shun most material gifts... I mean... it just seems so trivial to give a CD box set or new clothing or anything like that.  He can get all of that stuff himself... I want to give him something special, meaningful, that can only come from me...

This makes me sound like a hippy, but I'm not materialistic.. I'm all about the experiences man, not the stuff.

Sometimes I wish I weren't such a slut... if I'd been holding back sexual practices or kinks, I'd have something to give, ya?  How can I give more of *me* when I already give all that I'm able to?  If I were to give any more, I'd be entering that "overshadowing the occasion" territory.

I'm stumped Dear Readers... I need ideas.. your thoughts on gifts..  what do YOU do for your loved ones (if you still exchange gifts)?  What can I do for LD? (Sir, please do not read any comments so as not to spoil any surprises)





Monday, March 22, 2010

While the cat's away...

so LD is in Bali until April 1st... I woke up at 4:30 on Saturday to get him to the airport as comfortably as is possible at 6am on a Saturday.  Woke up at 4:45am on Sunday when he texted me from Seoul to confirm the 2nd leg of his flight had gone smoothly.  Woke up this morning at 7:30, rolled out of bed, got ready for work, arrived at work and realized...

I didn't put on any makeup.  It never even occurred to me.  I had thought that after all of this time (3 months? 4 months? wow, that long already?) I had gotten in to the habit of wearing makeup every day.  I certainly put some on yesterday for my birthday party...  But this morning, barely 48 hours after LD had left Toronto, I had reverted back to my original 'au natural' look.  

Looking in the mirror at work though... I feel ugly... I feel the urge to dive in to my emergency supply of 'touch up' makeup in my purse.  I still feel like I'm wearing a mask though when I put on a full face of cosmetics.  How can I live in this aesthetic purgatory? I feel ugly without makeup, but I feel like an impostor while wearing it? Where does that leave me?  A girl should not have an existential identity crisis over a pile of prettily coloured chemicals.  

I'm going to take the next 2 weeks off from 'putting on my face' and try to look at it as a cosmetic vacation.  This will probably be just enough time for me to get used to myself without makeup again and make it all the more difficult to go back to wearing it when LD returns.  I'll cross that bridge when I arrive at it.

In the meantime, maybe I'll go get a facial and pray that my complexion will settle down while he's gone.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

One person's good time is another person's worst nightmare...

As I lay on his couch, my legs braced over the arm in order to fuck myself vigorously on the big black dildo in my ass, my fingers and vibrator teasing myself as I race to completion, His cock deep down my throat as I moan and scream around it, I found myself thinking "yaknow, I'd love to do some humiliation play... I should suggest it to Sir" ... and then my mind wandered, as it tends to do... and it fell on to our discussion about His previous vanilla girlfriend... and how she would probably NOT consider our tame Sunday afternoon to be all that tame... and probably more than a little humiliating...

her loss.