An Ode to DH

It's been a while since I've extolled the virtues of my Dear Husband - the other part of this poly equation.

Dear Husband...

... does my dishes, because a "clean kitchen = happy wife"

... calls me precious, because "I'm pretty and useless, just like a precious gem"

... massages my feet when I've been tossing and turning for 2 hours and can't sleep

... only does that after snuggling with me for an extended period of time

... can make me laugh even when I'm in the depth of uncontrollable crying

... seems to be able to produce a baseball from nowhere because there's "no crying in baseball"

... somehow always takes my side, even when he's cautioning me from radical behaviour

... is completely and utterly biased, in my favour

... has the sexiest, rock hard ass and calves I've ever had the pleasure of fondling... his quads are pretty good too

... takes my silliness to a whole new level, implementing daily rituals based on them (like trying to blow his belly button lint off of my nose and on to his)

... gives the two stuffed turtles I sleep with interesting personalities

... tucks me in every night, more than once if I'm having a bad night

... looks on with... fond exasperation? ... at all of my bad one night stand/poly experiences

... is happy that I've found someone stable and overall good for me

... calls me a slut in the most endearing way possible

... is my Schmoopy Schmoop forever

Randomness

Did anyone else think that the cost of the G20 was worth it just to see the mass of cops in riot gear? hooooo boy I've got a new fetish!

I've been back with Dear Husband for almost a week now... LD doesn't seem to be missing me, but my head sure is missing being anywhere BUT back home.  Methinks there will be a house sale in our future.  Cross your fingers that my neuro comes up with some wacky obscure cause and cure!

I had a conversation with my old 'producer' from when I did porn and he might be willing to help me get set up doing some production work of my own... that way I can make money both sides of the camera. I won't hold my breath though... I'm probably better off applying to other companies for plain old video shoots.

On that note though, I seriously need to get some good photos taken... any volunteers? please?  I'm sure I can find a way to repay you... 

Some Important Insight

One of my recent candidates has answered the question that has been plaguing me for weeks - turns out it's a yeast infection ... no wait, not that question... this question:

Why am I having so much trouble finding a third (fourth? extra?).

Our interaction started with a succinct inquiry from my suitor "Are you guys still looking".  Note the lack of question mark - this gentleman is certain that we have not yet found a partner.  He is confidant! I must admit, Dear Readers, that my initial reaction was to delete his message without response.  Then I thought "but what am I going to write about on Monday?" I forged ahead.

"Yes we are" I replied, making sure to match him in lack of punctuation to ensure he felt welcome and comfortable in our discourse.

Im 36 6'0 210 blonde blue 6 cut hairy chest masculine honest ddf bottom nice smooth ass well spoken and very bi into some of the stuff you guys are into not all jst being honest  

ohhhhh strike one.  This lack of punctuation is beginning to bother me already.  Perhaps his keyboard has suffered from a horrible virus that has disabled all of the punctuation keys?  I'm so glad that he values honesty though - notice he mentions it twice?  Honesty is a very important attribute in a submissive.  

I request photos and more information about what exactly he IS in to.  

He forwards me a forwarded e-mail that was forwarded from a forward from a friend of his after a night out. The e-mail that accompanies it:   heres trusting youll send one backl please be honest Im one without glasses but only pic on computer.

There's that honesty thing again... However dude is either lying to me or to himself... he looks closer to a poorly aged 50, and it's NOT a flattering photo on top of that.   The lack of spelling/punctuation is beginning to give me a headache.  I reply with my standard and polite "Thanks but you're not our type, best of luck with your search"

and I figure I'm done.  Yet another disappointing prospect with a fugly photo.

But wait!  Apparently there's something in the craigslist TOS that enters me in to some sort of contract with anyone who replies to my ad...

wheres your pic fair is fair I told you not best pic to show me guys are real not pic collectors. 

um... what?  I have no obligation to send you a photo - I told you that I'm not interested... doesn't this in fact make YOU the photo collector?

I'm getting fed up with this guy, and I know that I shouldn't feed the trolls, but I can't resist... I reply...

I told you that we're not interested - I'm not sending my photo out to someone who I have no intention of pursing. Don't flatter yourself, that photo is not worth 'collecting'.

And this, Dear Readers, is where my "friend" decides to illuminate me on why I'm having so much trouble finding another partner:

its not that of a pic thats why I dont send pics because of prejudgement and seems like you guys pic collectors. Could nt say your names if I showed you a pic of my exgirlfriend you would nt be so judgemental my pic was taken after loads of drinks but gsve you an idea. I was honest you guys werent thats why 2 day later your still looking.

Perfectly clear, ya?

Losing my mind

I woke up at 2:30 this morning with an incredible idea for today's blog post... I had this link that I felt was vital to both of our very beings - it had to be shared with you right away... or at least in the morning.

I turned over, fell back in to fitful sleep and... well now it's 10:15am and I still don't remember what the link was that I needed to share.

I'm sure it will come to me eventually...  in the meantime we'll both just have to live in stasis until this very-vital-to-our-very-being link gets shared.

Polyphilia

Reasons to be poly:

1. When one man gets sick of you, you can just move in with the next
2. Multiple adoring partners
3. You can get all of your multi-faceted needs met through the characteristics of various partners
4. When you get sick of one man, you can just move in with the next
5. Tax benefits
6. It's like having your cake and eating it as well... except you still have cake left when you're done eating it... hmmmnow I want cake
7. You're guaranteed to have a date Friday night
8. More sex than you can shake a stick at
9. You can make really cheesy Pokemon jokes
10. You can fear for your physical and mental well being whenever they start talking from the fear that they may be collaborating to devise a heinous and devious plan, the end result being an attack that preys on all of your weaknesses

wait... that last one was a reason NOT to be poly...  I'm going to go cower now at the visions of what may one day happen should my two ever decide to combine their resources and knowledge...

Cop Out

This has been a crazy week Dear Readers, lots of stuff going on in my personal life that shockingly doesn't relate to me trying to have as much sex as humanly possible.  I'm going to have to beg off on a real post today - I'm not feeling very funny.

Hopefully someone will send me a dumb e-mail that I can make fun of tomorrow.

wha?

Today I'm going to highlight a different type of candidate... 

the illiterate slave

Honestly Dear Readers, I'm shocked at how these candidates are able to type out a reply to my ad... and the even more shocking thing, is that most of the replies tend to use full words and proper punctuation!

However, they also say things like:

I don't have much experience but never affraid to try

Oh, I do like more risk, and I did not want to scare you off. (after listing 'light pain' and 'light bondage' as his interests)

One of my fantasies is to eat a womans pussy after a guy cums inside her but that's up go you wether you want to do this... When are you guys looking to play?

No male kissing above neck line

I honestly wonder if any of these guys read through the entire ad, and understood what I'm looking for...

Contestant #3

Confession time Dear Readers:  I can get annoyed easily.  Especially when someone is abusing one of my pet peeves.

Such as "l337' speak or SMS shorthand or whatever the hell the kids are calling it these days (aside: "GET OFF OF MY LAWN!")

Take, for example this candidate:

hey  im very interested in ur ad! im basically a tall 19 yr old guy who wud love to get together wit u and play on the edge!...i have some experiece and am very openminded, and i really badly wanna do ALL the things that u like, such as humiliation pain bondage etc... i wud love to do any ANYTHING u like just for ur pleasure (no waiting or wrry of pushin boundaries for me, i am up for anythin u wanna do anytime!)

 plz consider me,  hope to hear back soon! 
ps. i kno u prob got like a million replies but im very real and very serious and hope to hear back from u!

This e-mail causes me physical pain to read.  Seriously... here's a tip boys:  If you're trying to impress someone, type out full words and try to make yourself look like you've got a higher IQ than a slug.

I replied with my standard "you're not what we're looking for, best of luck" e-mail and got another barely worded reply

aw really? is it cuz of my pic??? i promise u wont regret me tho im soo sub n openminded, wud love to try anything! plz consider me:)

So at this point I decided I was going to be the benevolent teacher and let him know exactly what the problem was.  

It's actually because I dislike the lack of care and attention you've put in to your emails with your dismal short hand. First impressions count for a lot. If you can't be bothered to take the time to type out
full words, where else will you take short cuts?  Something to think about when you reply to other ads.

His reply?

Hey again I'm sorry that's just how I was used to typing because that's how I see everyone do it, if I knew that it showed lack of care I would have typed better like I am now...trust me I really would have taken the extra time to do so!
But as for taking short cuts I can promise you that I do not take any when it comes to serving you as your most loyal slave!
 
Hope to hear back from you again!
Ps. I know you probably got a lot of replies to your ad, did you already find someone else to be your sub? 

I suppose I should give him points for persistence in his post script.  But seriously... "If I knew it showed lack of care"?!  Has the world really gotten to the point where being too lazy to type out the word "you" isn't an indication of lack of care?  Would you really type like this in a cover letter or on your resume?  Isn't finding a partner (especially one with a D/s dynamic) a little like a job interview anyways?  Don't you want to impress someone with your first contact?

kids these days...

Then and Now

As you'll all recall Dear Readers, I started this blog while I was on the search for a secondary partner... preferably a Dominant.  One of the many replies to my ad that I received from cheating men was this one:

Good afternoon:

I have read your profile on Craigslist, and, I thought I would introduce myself, as I fit your description perfectly.  I am a DOMINANT male, that is looking for a submissive woman that is interested in having me collar her, in a long term, discreet, relationship.  I will tell you from the start that I am attached, but, just because I am attached, it does not mean that I do not have the time to get to understand you and have meaningful sessions with you, however, our time would be limited to the daytimes, week-days.  

A bit more about me...I am a married, discreet, attractive, fit, professional male, that leads a vanilla corporate life, but, has this insatiable BDSM side that I continue to explore, and, given that you appear to be open minded, willing, and, in need for a dominant male, I am willing to explore whether you wish to pursue this type of discreet relationship with me.

With that said, my sessions can range from mild to intense, but, all in all, will allow you to progress as a "slave" and explore your submissive side.  Notwithstanding the fact that this is not my lifestyle, I am very well connected and can provide you with excellent experiences.  Some of the aspects that are of interest to me, and, that I enjoy incorporating into sessions, are as follows:

*light bondage

*spankings using crop, paddle, belt, etc.
*domination
*humiliation
*oral servitude
*foot worship
*body worship
*rimming
*ass penetration/play
*hair pulling

*bi-sexual play
*role-playing
*forced sex/group sex

*watersports

The above is just a general list, however, we will ultimately decide what route to follow, based on the limits we establish.  My philosophy is not to force you to hand over control to me, but, rather, to have you freely give control, and establish a trust with me, that will allow you to explore your submissiveness, under my control, while heightening your sexual experience.  That may take some time to achieve, but, I would expect you to devote the proper attention to doing so, as I am willing to invest the time in the right person.

If this sounds like something you would be interested in exploring, feel free to reply and tell me more about yourselves and what leads you to explore your submissive side.  I am willing to show pictures on MSN, or to meet in person, however, due to the need for discretion, and the sheer fact that there are many fakes, will not send pictures via e-mail.  Please let me know how to connect with you to exchange pictures, chat, and, assess the situation from there.  Furthermore, please do not that all sessions will take place during the daytime, in Toronto, week-days, so, you must have some free time to devote.  The sessions could range from 1-3 hours, per session, every few weeks, depending on your availability.  In the interim, there may be quick lunches, etc., as well as e-mail training, to keep you in the submissive frame of mind.

Master Idiot

I gave him a polite reply that I was uninterested in helping him cheat.  Really though...  weekdays during the day?  How much of a professional is he if he can take random afternoons off to cheat on his wife?  Obviously one who's not missed at his job... or has a lot of vacation time available to him...  Either way, I looked at the reply in amusement and filed it along with all of the other reject replies.  Good thing I did, because yesterday I received the following reply to my most recent ad:

Good afternoon:

I just read your profile on Craigslist, and, I have to say I am very intrigued.  I have experience both as a sub in BDSM play, and bi-sexual, and, looking for a couple EXACTLY like yourselves, so, if you are looking for someone that is serious, experienced, and, can take part in the scenario which you have stated, look no further.  In fact, visualizing your scenario was enough to bring me great joy.

Needless to say, if you are still looking for a gent, you may not need not look further, as I would love to see whether we connect well.  A bit about myself:

I am 32, 5'11", 170 lbs, Caucasian, with an athletic build (not ripped), as I play a bevy of sports;
I am professional and discreet, and have been told that I am attractive and have a unique look;
I am fully trimmed throughout and measure 7", uncut;
I am healthy (and married, hence, you can be assured that I am, and will always remain, D&D free), easy going, fun loving, and have a great personality;
I am able to connect during the daytime, Tuesday through Friday, in the morning or afternoon, ASAP, OR, during the daytime or early evening, weekly, come September; and
I am very sexually open minded, experienced playing with another couple, FULLY BISEXUAL, love BDSM play in all of its forms, and, certainly respect all limits. 

Due to discretion, and, the sheer amount of fakes on Craigslist, I have to be cautious with pictures and phone numbers, due to the fact I am attached and due to my profession, however, I am more than willing to connect on MSN to show you further pictures, or, in person over a coffee to see how we all get along.  I am not one to drag my feet, so, if you are serious, we can make this happen ASAP.

As previously stated, I do have experience playing with a couple and with BDSM play and have no hesitation participating as the two of you see fit, so, you do not have to worry about me having performance issues, backing out, or, just stating that I enjoy it and then not following through when the time comes.  

I look forward to hearing from you if you are interested in knowing more, and, I sincerely hope that you consider me to join you.  No BS, no games, just pure pleasure!

sub idiot

As you can all see, DR, Master Idiot is also sub idiot and apparently a switch (though neither e-mail mentions this fact).  I didn't make the connection the first time around, so I replied back simply saying "thanks but your availability doesn't work for us" ...  we got another reply:

I appreciate your reply.  If you have a hard time finding a serious gent, I would be available at least one (1) evening per week, for a few hours, come the beginning of September.  If you wish to consider me now, and, start serving you then, or, consider me closer to the date and reach a decision, I would be game.  I hope you consider me, as, I understand how hard it is to find a "real" slave such myself, and, on the flip side, it is quite hard to find someone in your dynamic as well, as a slave.  I would not want to just throw this away, due to my time limitations over the next 2 months, as my schedule clears up immensely come the beginning of September.  I would be free most nights between 5-9ish.

This is where I clued in "why does this guy seem familiar" and did a search through my archives to discover the split personality.  I mean... really...  For those of us who work during the day - don't most people finish work at 5?  Now, I'm lucky in that I work until 4, but I still have a fairly long commute and LD usually doesn't get home until 5:30 at the earliest.  By the time we both get home from work, I make dinner, we eat, I clean up, and we get ready... it's 7:30 at the earliest (and most nights we don't even eat dinner until 7).  That leaves us with... an hour and a half to play?  Honestly... does this seem like a reasonable offer?  Get real dude.

Remember when I said that my primary objection to cheating was the logistics?  This is a perfect example.  The fact that Master/sub Idiot seems to think that there's nothing unreasonable about his availability is just icing on the cake.

Am I just fishing during the wrong season?  Stay tuned Monday for another tale of woe...

Here Fishy Fishy...

I've received quite a few replies to my latest ad... some of them the same guys who were replying to my original ads when I first started posting them...  and they're still looking for a reason thankyouverymuch.

I have received a number of replies from fresh meat as well, and one of these we'll call.... DA (for DumbAss).

DA decided that he was going to do some digging, and found the blog.  From there he made a friends request to my facebook profile (not a friend of RB yet, come friend me on facebook!) and mentioned that we had a friend in common who would vouch for him.

So of course, I contacted this friend.

I believe that the response I got was along the lines of "what a complete waste of time I wouldn't touch him again with a 10 foot pole, I can't believe he used my name"

While I appreciate her saving me an evening of wasted time and disappointment, I can't help but thinking that he may have been good for a couple of days worth of blog posts...

Guess I'll keep fishing...

Still Seeking

After our lackluster date on Saturday night, LD and I decided to post another ad in hopes of attracting someone a little more... hardcore (and I mean that in the least pretentious way possible).  Our ad states:

Have you ever played on the edge? Been in that moment where you were certain you could not take even one more minute, but kept going anyways? Do you find yourself bored at play parties? Wish the Toronto scene was more 'hardcore'? 

We are an M/s couple seeking a boy to join us on a casual but ongoing basis. He is the Alpha male, while I am a switch - slave to Him, Mistress to you. 

He is 47, bisexual, blond hair, blue eyes, medium build; I am 27, bisexual, brown hair, blue eyes, medium build, large breasts and a few interesting piercings. You would be submitting to both of us, but would primarily be my toy to use as I please. 

You are under 35, FULLY bisexual, slim to medium build and comfortable in your submissive desires. You enjoy activities such as breathplay, humiliation, foot worship, pain and bondage. We understand that going to that edge requires a great deal of trust and chemistry, and are not looking necessarily to push boundaries on our first play date. That said, we are also not looking for someone who will require a year of wooing before we can get to the fun stuff. Preference will be given to those who have some experience and provide a clear pg-rated photo of themselves. Replies with cock-shots will be deleted and you will be mocked. 

I'm calling to all of you, my loyal henchmen, to keep your eyes peeled for such a specimen... should you happen to know anyone who is looking for something similar, send them my way!  Or... if you know someone who you need to exact devistatingly humiliating revenge upon, send them my way and I'll mock them on the blog after their dismal performance!

Where RB Gains a Stalker

Ah Dear Readers!  You know that you've reached true fame and fortune (and not just this cheap knock-off internet fame) when you find out that you've got a stalker.

That's right - my very own stalker!

Yesterday I was at a local fetish event when my stalker came up to me, gave me a hug and proceeded to tell me how much she enjoys the blog.  During our conversation, the dear girl asked me if she was the first to bug me when I forget to post (or have technical problems) and I was sad to inform her that she's the ONLY one who does that.  Before the end of the evening, my stalker had marked me and given me gifts... I think that we're forever bonded as stalker and celebrity now.

As... the price of fame...

One More Thing...

Today's post really wasn't very funny, so in apology I present to you a list of funny words that sound dirty but aren't (mostly):

Effluvium

Turgid

Scuttlebutt

Tookus

Osteopornosis

Glom

Puppenhaus (pronounced POOP-en-hows)

Bumfuzzle

Cattywampus

Cuirass (pronounced queer-ass)

First date with a second (third?)

Saturday night LD and I had a date with CC (cheating crossdresser)... it was... interesting.

I will admit that I was nervous about this date.  It's one thing to switch - but quite completely different to try and do both at once.  How do I remain an obedient slave to LD, while exuding my Dominant persona to cc?  Will seeing me submit to LD undermine my authority? Can I tap in to my Bitch Domme on command, in front of LD?  Will I ever get over this ice cream craving?  

Somehow we managed to get a late start to the afternoon and with cc arrived we were still getting ready.  This did not add to my confidence.  We got settled and had him change in to his ladies clothes... which included fishnets with rips in them - very sloppy.

Long story short, we had an ok time.  Poor boy has a wicked gag reflex which is somewhat displeasing... and while he does not get me hot and bothered, the act of hurting and humiliating him does please me.  We tied him up and hurt him, had him service us both orally, then sent him home with a hardon to take care of himself.  

I can see us playing with him from time to time, but I do not see him as our 'permanent' third... there just wasn't enough chemistry and he is too new to kink to play with really hard.  A fun toy to keep in my back pocket though.

Friday post, a day late

Note from RB: I'm sorry everyone! I post to my blog via e-mail and I accidentally sent this post directly to LD instead of to my blog.  

I've noticed an alarming trend on craigslist recently... it all started on mother's day, and I was actually going to post about it, but fell on a cock and got distracted.

Incest Fantasies

I'm talking about all of these men (and don't be fooled, it's never women) posting for lactating women, Mommy/son fantasies, Daddy/daughter fantasies and Sister/Brother fantasies. I've seen 'em all in the last month or so, some of them more than a few times and there seem to be more of them recently.

What is with this?! I mean, I suppose that theoretically I'm not opposed to actual incest providing all parties are consenting and they bring no harm to the general public (procreating would fall under this category due to the higher risk of deformities and the strain that would bring on the health care system, yadda yadda whatever), but for some reason I find this fake incest to be more objectionable.

Obviously these people have some repressed feelings for a family member. But why is this taboo 'ok' to roleplay when others aren't? You certainly don't see pedophiles posting for people who look 12 years old. I've only ever ONCE seen an ad for a guy looking for a chick to take an ice bath and pretend to be dead (and actually considered replying to it, just for kicks). I guess people in to bestiality don't go looking on craigslist for partners, what with animals not being very internet savvy...

It just seems to me that any hook up from one of these ads would be so contrived and fake, that the person seeking a partner would have to try *very* hard to keep themselves fooled in to believing they're actually boning their Mommy/Sister/Daughter. None of these ads place physical characteristic requirements... wouldn't you want a partner that at least RESEMBLES being related to you? Talk about suspension of disbelief if you're a middle aged white man with your dick in a 20 something black chick.

And tell me... how is sex with your sister going to be any different from sex with any other partner? When you're 'having relations' with your current partner... do you talk at all about how you're not related? Do you really think if you were doing the horizontal tango with your mother that you'd be babbling away about how she's a total MILF or about that time she wouldn't let you get ice cream at the zoo? NO! The sex would be just the same as sex with any other person!

So then what does this role play leave them with? The entire role play is in their own mind... so wouldn't it be easier (and more successful) to just hook up with a 'regular' chick and pretend she's your daughter without telling them? What sort of elaborate set up do these people have in mind?

I'm a pretty open minded chick people, but this trend has me baffled.

Thursday Top Ten

I figured I'd continue the week with another list - this time 10 facts that you may or may not know about me!

1. Fetishes: I have a strong fetish surrounding sense of smell, specifically two scents: Fresh Clean Man-Sweat, and Sunscreen.  Heaven help me if you combine the two!
2. Noses: I HATE having my nose licked/sucked/wet... I also apparently act like a kitten when having it flicked or blown on.  LD seems to derive intense enjoyment from torturing me with this.
3. Size Queen: I am not one.  In fact, I find particularly long cocks to be quite painful.  I DO however really enjoy being filled - fisting and large plugs, etc are favourite activities of mine, both from enjoying the sensation and the sense of accomplishment that comes from taking something particularly large in to me.
4. Turn Ons: I love watching a man (or woman) do something they excel at... athletes being athletic, musicians playing music, artists performing their art, etc... it's the authority and confidence and demonstration of skill that does it for me - not any particular talent.
5. Bisexuality: While I have had sex and D/s play with plenty of women, I've never dated or been in a relationship with one.
6. Like a Virgin: I lost mine when I was 13, shortly after my 13th birthday.
7. Role Play: I can't stand the 'dress up as a school girl and pretend you've been naughty here in my bedroom' kind of role play, but love the more immersive, deceptive forms like going to a swingers party and pretending to be vanilla, or going sex toy shopping and calling LD 'Daddy', or being sold as a prostitute or pretending to be a gold digger or a spoiled princess in public.
8. Somnophilia: I love being played with while unconscious or sleeping... some of this ties in to my rape fantasies (GHB anyone?) and some of it ties in to the idea of being as vulnerable as can be - can't really defend yourself when unconscious... and sex is always a fantastic way to wake up!
9. Fear Play: While I wrote about being terrified the other night when LD was punishing me, I think that I wouldn't mind exploring fear play more in our regular play... fear does similar things with adrenaline as arousal does and it would be interesting to see if they can be merged at all.
10. Story Time: I much prefer written erotica to video pornography, and sadly one of the best sources of smut is fan fiction... Sometimes if a story is particularly hot but ludicrous, I replace the names and pretend that it's not set in whatever story world it's supposed to be set in.  Reading fandoms that I'm unfamiliar with works as well. 

Hump Day!

Happy Wednesday Everyone!

Because I like lists, and because this week has been a little boring so far, I bring to you.... 10 random memories (mostly related to sex)!

1. My First Ego Boost: I was in 1st year engineering, had this amazing crush on a boy, seduced him, blew him, got over him... but apparently I'm a good cocksucker... this guy kept tracking me down online for YEARS afterwards trying to hook up again, saying I was the best blow he'd ever received.
2. My First Proposition: hmmm.. also in my 1st year of university... Had a pretty mediocre one night stand with a med student, who weeks later then offered to pay me to come over if I'd have anal sex with him.  I declined.
3. Slut Shoes of Doom: Are we seeing a trend here? My first year of university, I purchased my first pair of slut shoes... easily 5" heels, platform sole, etc... and the honest to god flimsiest, least substantial ankle strap.  I'm not sure what I was thinking.  I wore these things around the house for weeks, making sure I could walk in them, and they certainly got a lot of use at first... until the first time my weight didn't come down squarely on the heel and the ankle strap demonstrated how non-existent it was.  Not learning my lesson, I wore these years later for a blind date, and while crossing the street took a header while holding a grande mocha.  The scar on my knee took years to fade.  Believe it or not, I still have these shoes, collecting dust.  I can't bare to throw them away, but you couldn't pay me to put them back on.
4. How I Met DH: DH and I 'met' on ICQ through the random chat function.  One of those chat partners that you randomly talk with now and then, but never very seriously.  One day I had an unexpected day off of work, and DH was planning on going to a kinky craft fair.  He asked if I'd like to go, and I said yes.  He was 45 minutes late picking me up, in which time I secured the phone number of an elderly plumber named Ishmael who was hitting on me in the parking lot I was waiting in.  I made a number of purchases at that craft fair, many of the toys I still use lovingly to this day.  The next day I made it clear to DH that I was not interested in him romantically.  A week later we were dating.
5. My Mad Midori Crush: Midori, for those who don't know, is a fantastic sex educator who focuses quite a bit on kink related topics... she used to be called Fetish Diva Midori, though I'm not sure if she's still using that moniker.  Anyways, whilst in the middle of a terrible breakup, I went to see her workshop on 'aural sex' and instantly fell in love.  I ended up volunteering for a demonstration and that woman got me squirming in front of a room full of strangers without even touching me!  Years later, with DH, we were at a predicament bondage workshop with her, where I once again volunteered.  As I was getting undressed, Midori complimented my boots and made as if to steal them.  Honest to god I would have given them to her and gone home barefoot if they'd have fit her.  Swoon.
6. My First Master: Back to 1st year uni.  I was exploring a more... formal... sense of kink and community and met a gentleman online.  We began chatting, e-mailing, talking on the phone, etc.  I was in Ontario, he was in Missouri.  Did I also mention that I was 18, and he was 58?  This man taught me so many incredible things, and then paid for me to come down and visit him for a weekend.  Not being *completely* stupid, I set up periodic safe calls with a friend of mine, then hopped on a plane.  This was an incredible weekend, and I learned much in the way of old-guard service.  We lost touch shortly after that weekend and I really don't know what's happened of him, but I hope that he remembers our time as fondly as I do.
7. Best way to learn a language: When I was in highschool, I dated a boy who was Dutch, and he and his family enjoyed teaching me little phrases and songs.  Apparently, my Dutch accent is close to perfect immediately after I orgasm.  The rest of the time it sucks.
8. My Red Wings: Picture it Dear Readers - I'm in 9th grade and at the National Science Fair (ignore how geeky I was as a child please)... In the worst of my goth phase, I immediately sought out and clung to the other goths in the group, all of us feeling horribly out of place in the 'normal' clothes our parents made us pack.  Housing was on a university campus and despite chaperone's best efforts, shenanigans happened.  Hanging out with 'Paul', a boy a few years older than me, we ended up having a fling for the duration of the trip, which sadly coincided with my period.  Talk about enlightenment when this darling boy didn't see this as a barrier to us fooling around!  
9. My Latest Pair of Slut Shoes: As a reward for hitting my 175lb goal (as an aside, I'm currently 168, which means that I've lost a total of 20lbs from my peak weight... that seem so incredible when I word it like that, when really I don't feel much different) Sir purchased me a new pair of slut shoes.  Standing in Seduction, waiting for the sales girl to return with another pair to try on, I decided to give LD a hug.  Before I knew it, He had a hand between us and I was using all of my concentration to stay *very* *very* quiet as Sir made me orgasm in the shoe section of Seduction.  These new shoes started off their life with me with a very happy memory.
10. My Career in Porn: When DH and I were first dating, I did a stint working in the porn industry... there are plenty of videos still floating around of me out there if you're so inclined to go find them.  What I naively thought would be a big money maker ended up being a complete waste of my time.  While the pay rate of $150+ an hour is great, you only get paid for the actual time the camera is on, not all of the prep beforehand.  I couldn't complain too much though, I got to have sex with some pretty hot chicks.  The money in internet porn, of course, is with the producers and guys actually selling/syndicating the films.  Now THAT I'd be interested in getting in to...  I could star and co-produce my own series of Rubenesque Brunette videos and make a killing.  Whaddya think LD? 

The Great Reunion

Last night I returned to my suburb home (as opposed to my downtown home... I feel like the child of divorce and am expecting LD to petition DH for joint custody any day now) and it was truly a joyous reunion... there was much snoogling and fondling to be had, and many reminders of how annoying we can be to each other (I swear I'm taking the squeaky turtle toy and hiding it very far away).  I quite joyously reunited with my electric blanket as well, and vow to bring it with me to my downtown home if/when I move back.  

On a completely separate note, I had to check the blog archives to make sure that I honestly did announce the latest contest.  Really people?  I weep inside.

Monday Morning Always Comes Too Soon

Good Morning Dear Readers!

Today is a sad day (but for whom, I'm not sure)... Tonight I move back in with my husband to test our migraine theory once more... I suspect that Dear Husband just likes using me as a guinea pig, or perhaps he just missed me... or he's hungry...  either way, I left LD this morning, and will go home after work to DH.

I must say, living with DH is going to feel like a vacation.  Between moving and cleaning and general servitude, I am achy from head to toe and suspect I will be asking my RMT on Saturday to extend our session.

If/when the migraine returns, I'll be hightailing it back to LDs place, and I suppose that will completely validate the theory that it's the house... nothing has really shown up as a cause though, which is baffling.  

In other news, I managed to drain LD completely dry, sucking him off to the point of blinding headache and leaving Him feeling drugged and disoriented all day.  I wish I knew exactly what I did though, so that I can replicate it!

We were supposed to have a date with the cheating crossdresser Saturday night, but I rescheduled him for next weekend, what with the tired and the achy and the boxes and the mess... instead I got pissed while LD set up some IKEA we had purchased, and had a really fascinating discussion about music and digital quality, etc.  Sunday we went down to the billiards room in His building and He taught me how to play pool.  I have to say, I don't know why it took me this long to bring this out in Him, but I *love* it when He goes in to teacher mode.  Gets me all hot and bothered (and yes, there are a lot of things that get me hot and bothered, but this in particular really does it for me).

That is all... my life is just too boring right now... relatively speaking.

My Apologies

I am so sorry Dear Readers, for ignoring you all yesterday... I just got so... carried away... with my prize.

The good news is, the doctors say that the feeling WILL return to the area, and the insurance company IS going to cover the damages to the apartment.

Have a safe and sexy weekend everyone!

Wenesday Windfall Winner..

is me!  None of y'all commented, so I'm going to use this weeks prize on myself... too bad too 'cause it was a great one!

In other news, I miss my husband... who'da thunk, eh?

For those of you who are bored, check out the two links I've posted in the sidebar...  one is a funny mature comic, and the other is great commentary on the quality of today's amateur porn.

Hopefully something exciting will happen tonight so I've got some content for you tomorrow... or I'll just describe in detail what I did with my prize!

Contest Time, YAY!

After the resounding success of my last contest, I thought that I'd hold another one!  This one is *much* easier though...

Rubenesque Brunette needs a slogan! or is it a motto?  a subtitle? Something catchy please!  The current title of the blog is "The Search Continues" but if you've got a great title/slogan combo, please suggest them!

Contestants have until next Wednesday, the 9th, to submit ideas via the comments.  I will select my favourites and on Friday, the 11th, I will post the top 3, which will be opened up to you guys to vote on until the next Wednesday.  Grand prize winner will be announced on Friday the 18th.

Up for grabs is the previously unclaimed $25 gift card and depending on how good the winner's entry is, something a little extra from me.  All of the top 3 entries will receive a little sumtin' sumtin' just for playing.

I was tricked!

Remember that 'best of craigslist' ad I posted about the guy looking for the slave to help him move?  I think that might have been LD posting...  Yesterday we moved from one tower of His condo building to the other, and as feeble and crippled as I am, I'm completely wiped out.

Yesterday I was in so much pain I didn't manage to fall asleep until 5am... 1 hour before my alarm was set to go off.  Sleep deprivation and driving don't mix, so I called in sick...

and then being the a-type anal retentive slave that I am, I went over to the old place, gathered all of the last bits and bobs, cleaned the old place, brought up the coffee table from my car and have spent the day unpacking... I have 5 boxes left.

Needless to say, I'm taking a sleeping pill at about 5pm and possibly mixing it with some weed and alcohol to make sure it does the job.  Comatose is as good as sleep, right?