When we last left our story, I was unraveling a web of deceit which had been spun around me. I'm not going to get in to the details here, but suffice it to say that I was lied to, which has broken my trust and we are working to get that back. One of my stipulations of this, was that I wouldn't submit any further than I already had, until I felt that that trust had returned. Originally I had told him that I would bottom for him, but not submit. After some discussion, I agreed that I would only submit to the level that I already had.
I will admit that I am finding this to be a bit of a challenge, both from the original challenge of submitting after so long, and the fact that when I am in his presence I just want to lose myself to him, which I just can't do right now. I HAVE to hold myself in reserve... keep that control so that I don't move quicker than I ought to... My emotional/submissive side might be keen to pick up where we left off... but my rational side knows that I just can't move that quickly without regretting it later.
This brings me to my conundrum for the moment, DR (are you excited that you've gotten your own initials Dear Readers? I promise I don't put you in the same category as the other prospects... you and me have something special).
I had a date last night with LD. During that time he asked me if, within the four walls of his home, I belonged to him. I replied yes. However, I find myself wondering if it is fair to belong to someone in a 'scene' sense, when you are working to rebuild the trust required to belong to them in a much more 24/7 M/s sense. Is this the way to regain that trust? Or will it just blur the lines and make things confused? Can I truly let myself belong to him during a scene, or will those trust issues get in the way?
Despite my saying that I would not submit any further, LD verbalized an expectation that... I was supposed to intuitively have known(?) regarding not being 'helpful' and acting before being ordered to. I had arrived with the mindset that we were at a plateau... our relationship in stasis, so to speak, and arrived to a new rule. Upon reflection I decided that this didn't really push my level of submission much farther than it was already at, and so I've added it to my list of rules and will make every effort to incorporate it in to my behaviour around him. But that brings me back to my original confusion.
When I told him that I would not submit to him any further than I already have... did I mean during play or as a relationship level? If I am able to overcome the trust issue and submit to him fully during play, will that not blur my judgement/actions in submitting to him as a development of our relationship? Or... by submitting to him 'en scene' will that help me to work towards trusting him him enough to submit to him as part of the M/s relationship we're working towards? I told him that actions speak louder than words, and while I've said before that I trust him implicitly with my physical safety, how is he to prove to me that he is trustworthy with everything else unless I give him the opportunity?
Delving in to psychoanalyic bullshit for a moment... is the reason that I am 'helpful' and jump the gun on his orders because we have not resolved this yet? Is this a symptom of our trust issues - not that I don't actually trust him to remove my bra, or remember to take off my watch, but that I have not been able to reach the mindset to really submit in every way and this is how it is manifesting itself? Am I perhaps not able to fully submit even during a scene at the moment? If so, how do I get myself to that point? I can verbalize that I trust him to submit to him during a scene, but if my actions bely my words... what do I do?
my two cents: You wanted to bottom to him not submit, you talked (he pushed?), you agreed to only submit as far as you already have. You have another date, and he did push, he gave you a new rule. Maybe I'm reading the situation wrong, I've not got a lot to go on, but it seems to be that he just wants to keep right on going and ignore/devalue the trust issues, at least in the scene. I'm awful wary of this...
ReplyDeleteIn my very own limited experience, when a trust issue comes up, whether it's in scene or in the big wide world, trust needs to be regained in the big wide world *first*. When you're in scene, your head is not in the clearest space. In my experience, it's too easy to trust too much in scene, to let yourself go and get lost in the scene and stay lost when you get back into the big wide world. I guess that's my way of saying it blurs the lines.
Hi maja,
ReplyDeleteI agree with you in a lot of ways. The decision to continue submitting to the level I had was a decision that I made - not one that he pushed for, but I think that you're correct that once you're in scene it's very easy to slip back to where we were in terms of continuing to go forward.
You are also so completely right about trust during a scene bleeding over to the 'real world' ... I'm not sure if this is a good way for him to regain my trust (if he proves himself trustworthy when I'm at my most vulnerable, then he should be trustworthy, right?) or if it's just a disaster waiting to happen.
Thank you for your comment hon - I totally need someone to hold me back from flinging myself over the cliff (so to speak)... I've got some more thinking to do obviously ;)