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I just received an e-mail from my crack legal team (or is that legal team on crack?) letting me know that I may now share my patented and copyrighted weight loss technique with all of you.  Consider yourselves truly blessed that I am so benevolent that I am willing to share these secrets with you (for a small fee, in the form of eternal adoration and comments to the blog)!

Let me share this plan with you in a few simple steps:

1. Start Dating and/or Marry a Dedicated Athlete.  Preferably one who is slightly picky and eats only meat, carbs and junk food.  When he's at his peak (I use 'he' because let's be honest, are there any men reading this? (Hi LD!) Let alone any men watching their weight? (oh, Hi LD again!)) he will eat anything that is too slow to get out of his way. This in and of itself can be an effective weight loss technique, provided you are able to suture the bite marks closed yourself.  Emergency room doctor's get curious after the 4th or 5th time you come in with missing flesh. 
   
   Come to think of it, he'll eat that way even when he's not riding (er.. or participating in whatever sport your athlete participates in).  You need to do this, because my weight loss plan is so effective, you need some added challenges to stop you from losing weight too quickly.  Having a ton of junk food in the house is the perfect way to do this.  
   
   
2. Purchase a House.  Not any house!  This house must be older (but not too old) and located within walking distance of an oil refinery and a field of radio towers.  Walking distance to a Turtle Jacks and variety of mexican/pizza/chinese places also helps.  Once again, this is to prevent you from wasting away completely as well as assist you with the next step.
   
   
3. Develop a migraine. This migraine has to be a permanent fixture in your life - not one of those pansy-ass 1 or 2 day jobs... not even one of those ones that puts you out of commission for a week.  This migraine has to last for AT LEAST a year.  
   
   Methods for developing this migraine include inhalation of various molds and/or hydrocarbons, exposure to a large field of radio waves,  extensive and noisy renovations on the house you just purchased, consumption of triggering foods, blunt force trauma to the head, or manipulating the weather to produce a metric ass-ton of rain.
   
   
4. Stop Eating.  Here's really the most important step.  Let this migraine fester until you are unbearably nauseous... about 10 months should do it.  Stop eating everything but the BRAT diet - Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast (easiest to digest foods).  
   
   Make sure that you dislike at least one of these foods (applesauce) and quickly get sick of two more of them (bananas and rice), leaving you with the ability to only eat one single food (bread).  A loaf of bread should last you about a week and a half. Yes, I realize that this is pretty fast when you're eating nothing but bread, but that's the beauty of this diet - you can eat as much bread as you can stomach (heh)!  No need to conserve your bread consumption. Can I say bread again in this paragraph? bread bread bread bread.  This is not a low-carb diet. bread.
   
   
   
5. Start Eating Again.  After about 8 weeks, move out of your house and wait for the migraine to disappear.  Huzzah! You are now able to eat 'real' food again.  At this point, your stomach will have atrophied to the point where you have the capacity to eat similar to that of a toddler or supermodel.  Spend a week feeling gross as you adjust to the fact that you can not finish a kids meal at most eating establishments.  Continue to eat these smaller portions on a permanent basis.

There you have it folks!  Nothing simpler! I personally have gone from 178lbs to 168lbs over the course of about 4 or 5 weeks, which is a little over 2lbs a week -  a little quicker than is recommended, but those quacks with their "MDs" don't really know anything anyways.  In the past 4 months, I have lost 20lbs in total.

Keep in mind that you may experience some depression and suicidal thoughts when you realize you are no longer able to eat your weight in chinese food, or that the few attempts you made to eat your favourite foods while you were nauseous means that you'll never be able to eat them again without a twinge of remembered queasiness.  This is actually an added bonus because it will stop you from eating your formerly favourite foods quite so often.

A while ago, I set up some rewards for meeting my goals... because rewards are fun! At 175lbs, I was going to buy some new slut shoes (these have not been purchased yet, but I can't wait for them! I will post photos once they have been purchased)... my next reward comes at 165lbs, and was supposed to be a spa visit. I'm not really feeling the spa thing right now though.  For reference, my goals (which I'm going to revise) are as follows:

175 lbs - Slut Shoes

165 lbs - Spa Day

155 lbs - Chocolatieres Course

145 lbs - Cello Lessons

Now, I've decided that instead of Cello Lessons, I'm going to get laser eye surgery done... I have no natural musical talent and lasik will be a much better investment (and less costly in the long run), and I'm thinking that for 165lbs I'll get the third tattoo that I've been wanting... though I had been planning on getting this anyways, so it really seems to me that this is more like just 'skipping' a reward. I do not like skipping rewards.

It also occurred to me that a chocolatieres course might be counter productive to my weight loss goals.

This leaves me with a reward schedule that looks like this:

175 lbs - Slut Shoes

165 lbs - ???

155 lbs - ????

145 lbs - Lasik

Any thoughts Dear Readers?  Should I reschedule the spa day? Come up with something else?  Should I use the tattoo I was getting anyways as my 165lbs reward?  Any thoughts?

*taps her microphone*

is this thing on?  Are you out there Dear Readers?