My Secret...

Did you know that I suffer from a debilitating deformity that until now, I have not been brave enough to discuss with you?  Well of course you didn't - I haven't had the guts to tell you about it... until now.

...that and I only found out about it last week.

Yes, those of you who know me in real life know about all of the mundane ways that I'm crippled... the migraines.. the immune/joint problems, etc...

But all of that pales in comparison to this deformity... one that I keep so hidden that I can't believe that I'm going to share it with you all today (can you tell that I'm low on blogging material?)

ok.. here it goes... you may want to get some smelling salts and a loved one handy to revive you after you read this...

you ready?

*takes a deep breath*

I have longer than normal 1st metatarsals.

*exhales*

wow... that was a big weight off of my mind.  I feel so free now...  I'm sure that all of you are sitting in stunned silence, contemplating this hideous handicap... some of you are probably wondering how I've managed to hide it from the world for so long.... some of you are probably wondering how I've been let out in to polite society with this issue plaguing me.

some of you are probably Googling "metatarsal"

Let me explain it in laymen's terms (why is it never laywomen's terms? do laywomen have a better grasp of concepts and language and not need things dumbed down for them?  or are laywomen too dumb to understand even in dumbed down language?)

*puts on her teacher outfit, complete with high heels, hair in a bun, and ruler in hand*

The metatarsals are the long bones in the foot, and as you can see in that photo, the 1st metatarsal (the one for the big toe) is shorter than the 2nd.  When walking, this allows the foot to do its foot like things in the most effective and pain-free manner possible... or something.. my eyes kind of glazed over when the doctor started explaining exactly how the foot works.  What do I care, as long as they get me from point A to point B and look hot in extra-high high heels while doing so?

My deformity, is that my 1st metatarsals are LONGER than the 2nd ones.  This means that when my foot hits the ground, that joint hits the ground sooner than it should, flexes differently, and causes friction and pressure in that joint.  This causes arthritis.

Arthritis, for those of you who live under a rock, is when gnomes inhabit the space between your bones and jab little pitchforks into the cartilage.

So very long and shameful story short... it is incredibly painful to wear high heels... and what is a slut without her heels?  It is also quite painful to wear flats, because my feet have been molded to the shape of my high heels and are unaccustomed to being flat on the ground.  Not to mention the shame of wearing flats... some people (these people I will call "tall") look cute wearing flat shoes... I look frumpy.. and short...   

The treatment for this atrocity is an increased dose of anti-inflammatories (anti-inflammatory medication is poisonous to gnomes) and orthopedic inserts which will somehow mitigate the effect of my deformed metatarsals.  Except they only work in heels lower than 2" high.  

This excludes approximately 59.7% of my shoe collection.  78.2% if you include my sandals without enclosed heels.

So pity me, dear readers, when you see me in my heels, suffering for my servitude and vanity.  Know that I am hiding my atrocious deformity from you and thank me for this service that I am providing you... no one should have to see longer-than-normal-1st-metatarsals.

Also, feel free to ridicule me for purchasing a ridiculously expensive pair of orthotics that will only work with 6 pairs of shoes... well... ridicule my insurance company for buying them.