Swingers Party: Part I

A Note from RB: I want to address a very serious issue before I start the hilarity of today's post.  Comments.  Specifically, the appalling lack of them.  I know that there are people out there reading this... or LD is clearing his cache and reloading this blog a couple dozen times a day (if so, thanks for boosting my ego LD!)  I ask you questions, I seek your input, and yet you leave me hanging... why Dear Readers, why? Have I done something to offend you? Are you punishing me for my hiatus in posting?  Am I not being funny enough?  Please Dear Readers, validate me! I'm not above bribing you all... I'll be posting later today with a contest that is essentially just that...

and now... the swingers party, part I

Those of us who are kinky tend to divide the world in two - vanilla, and double-fudge-caramel-with-nuts-brownies-cherries-and-chocolate-chunks ... hrm, now I want ice cream, weird.

In reality though Dear Readers, there is a third breed of human... let's call them.. cookies and cream.  They THINK that they're living on the edge, pushing the envelope of decency, titillated by their taboo activities.

I am, of course, talking about Swingers.

Approximately 100 years ago, LD replied to a craigslist ad for a swingers party.  After some back and forth, we met with the couple for drinks last week for our 'screening'.  Prior to the meeting we agreed that we would not reveal our Master/slave relationship.  This ended up being a good call.  I spent the bulk of the meeting biting my tongue and making sarcastic comments in my head.

SwingerMan and SwingerWoman are your average white bread aging hippies... matching turquoise shirts and sensible sandals.  His hair is just long enough that he can justify to himself that he's flaunting the stereotypical standards set out for men, despite the fact that approximately 60% of guys are wearing their hair "shaggy" or longer these days.  He orders a coke.  She is rather plain jane, wearing a bright tie dyed sweater and orders a virgin strawberry daiquiri by asking for a 'non alcoholic fruity slush of some sort".

We get down to business and I am immediately struck by how... vanilla.. they really are.  These people are talking about sleeping with someone other than their primary partner as if it is the wildest thing you could possibly do... though of course they are enlightened enough that it's No Big Deal to them.  We elect not to reveal that LD is not my husband - I think that would have been too much for them to take.  

Throughout the whole meeting I become increasingly convinced that this must be what purgatory is - *thinking* that you're the very picture of bad-ass taboo sexual practices while in reality you're just... having vanilla sex with someone else...

We discuss the logistics of the party, hearing in depth descriptions of the dip and snacks that they provide, SwingerMans inability to consume salt anymore, the need for reading glasses (at this point I'm starting to feel how painfully obvious it is that I am at least 20 years younger than SwingerWoman, and 30 younger than SwingerMan), and other banalities that I will save you from Dear Readers (trust me, you should thank me... preferably in the form of lavish gifts).

We're informed of the 'main event' for this Saturday's party... some woman who is a regular at their parties has been trying to arrange a DP for 2 years, and yet never manages to 'get around to it' ... ummm... you can't want that DP very badly honey, it's not rocket science - you grab two cocks and go at it.  

Two summers ago it took me about a week to find two guys... Last fall it took me approximately a month to set up a DP (mind you, they were more interested in each other than in me, but that's neither here nor there).  I started making mental bets with myself if this woman will get caught up playing with someone else again and "miss out" on her DP.  

Honestly, I was a little shocked at this news - I had assumed that anal was too far over that 'taboo' line... though maybe that's why the DP hasn't happened yet...

SwingerWoman comments on my nails... I think she's... flirting? ... I make small talk and somehow mention that I've drawn blood with them.  Aghast, SwingerWoman asks if I do it deliberately.  Warning bells go off in my head. "Of course not" I reply.  Crisis averted.  Will have to remember to dull the edges before Saturday.

On the way home, we discuss whether LD should keep his waxing appointment - will this be too "weird" for vanillas? Is it normal for vanilla men to be without pubic hair?  Will my various genital piercings (all 4 of them) and tattoo be a turn off or turn on (consensus: the men will go wild, the women will shy away)... Will this be worth our time?

Stay tuned for Part II!