My Weekend

My Dear Readers, I don't know what to do and I am turning to you for advice.  I had a... troublesome weekend.  Let me weave for you my tale of woe...

I had trouble sleeping Saturday night because of Alastair, so I woke up on Sunday in a foul mood.  Spent part of Sunday trying to sleep, and when that failed, threw myself in to errands and little projects around the apartment to try and wear myself out enough to sleep. As I'm scrubbing the bathtub with alcohol to fix my botched "attach a hook with caulking to the bathtub wall" project, LD comes in and tells me that I am living with him to relax and heal, and that I shouldn't be wearing myself out - I should go lie down, or sit and read a book, or something similar.  Now, this was actually pretty good advice because my head was so bad I was having random dizzy spells, so I went and started to read, but was pretty restless.

I made a comment about feeling like a caged tiger, so He decided we should go for a walk, which we did, and it was actually quite enjoyable.  Sir plied me with weed as we sat on the rocks overlooking the lake, and managed to make me crack a smile.  When we returned, I had another dizzy spell and he put me to bed.  Now, before I continue my story, have I mentioned that he's got this pet peeve over when I've got my arms around his neck and I don't let go right away when he pulls back?  No?  It's something He's only mentioned recently and I've been trying to be better about it, but I don't always notice right away when He's pulling away.

So here we are Sunday afternoon, I'm having a dizzy spell, I'm slightly high, and He's leading me to bed.  I'm clinging on to Him for all I'm worth, He's got me tucked in and we're kissing.  Suddenly I feel Him pulling away rather hard - I must have not noticed him doing it earlier.  I let go and He asks me "What have I told you about not letting go?" I mutter an apology and am starting to explain that I hadn't noticed 'cause I was dizzy and high and kissing Him when he asks me again louder "What have I told you about not letting go?" I dutifully reply "don't do it".  "That's right" He says, "don't do it" ... while He's saying that He slaps me and then backhands me across the face.  Hard.  The vision in my left eye goes dim and blurry (happens sometimes with my migraines when they're bad), the pain explodes in my head, my ears start ringing and I start crying.  I curl in to a ball and the only words I'm able to get out are "why the hell couldn't you have hit me anywhere else?"  He pulls the covers over me and leaves without a word.

Now, even when I've done something wrong and I'm actually being punished, He gives me aftercare and/or first aid... a cool towel for my forehead, some ice for the back of my neck, some cuddles and words of reassurance... something.  This time... nothing.  This happened around 4:30.  I came out of the bedroom at 5, told Him I was taking a sleeping pill and going to bed and He could fend for himself for dinner.  His response "that's too bad".  I tell Him that my vision is still blurry in my left eye.  His response "We should talk about this"  I told him I needed some time to cool down or else I'd say things I regretted.  Going to bed He comes in for a good night kiss and says "I know that you're angry, but if I were to drop dead of a heart attack tonight, you'd regret not kissing me good night" Which is true, so we kiss.  I managed to sleep in 4 hour stretches of time, having to get up for more painkillers every 4 hours.  I'm lucky I don't bruise easily, because I've got a job interview today at 11.

Reading this over it sounds like he's a horrible wife beater, which really isn't the case. He did however, abuse my trust.  He talks about how he wants to keep me safe and would never harm me (different from hurting me) and how He wants above all else for me to heal.  And then he goes and ignores all three of those - how hypocritical.  My head didn't even hurt this bad when I first came here 2 weeks ago.  Though I had an MRI almost a year ago that didn't find any physical signs for the pain, what if whatever it is was too small to see then? What if His lack of care while slapping me, and lack of aftercare caused an aneurysm to burst or something else serious?  Obviously the risk of that is low, but the risk is still there with what and the way He did it, and the lack of care afterwards.

What hurts the worst His reaction directly afterwards... even more than the slaps.  He just left the room and walked away.  There are hundreds of other ways He could have punished me - why He chose to slap me there when He knew how badly I was hurting just seems deliberately cruel in a non-sexy way, not to mention an overreaction for my misdeed.

I'm glad He and I didn't talk last night because I definitely would have said things I didn't mean, but even typing it all out now is making me cry.  I don't know if I'm over-reacting, or under-reacting, or what.  Your input is appreciated Dear Readers.