But please for fucks sake stop telling me I'm being physically abused. Not once, not even in my original emotionally charged post, did I accuse Sir of physical abuse. Him slapping me across the face is NOT an unusual occurrence. In fact, it is generally an activity that is enjoyed by both of us immensely. As I outlined in the last of my posts from yesterday, the main issue was the physical response to Sunday's slaps, and my perceived and remembered happenings of the evening.
Sir and I had a long talk last night, and as they say, there are always 3 sides to every story - Her side, His side, and the Truth. I believe that what happened on Sunday lies somewhere between our individual memories.
Sir says that He did not slap me any harder than He usually does - in fact He hit me less hard than He normally does. Searching my memories of the evening, the slapping in particular, I do not see Him in my minds eye raising His hand to slap me, or pulling back His arm in any way. This leads me to believe that He is telling the truth about His intentions and force to the blow. My physical reaction to this was entirely unexpected by both of us, and based on previous play could not have been foreseen.
Sir also says that He did in fact lay with me for a while afterwards, and then checked in on me again later. I have a vague memory of Him telling me to put my arm around Him afterwards, but no memory of Him actually laying with me, or checking on me. Considering the pain in my head and level of drugs in my system, and what I know of His character, I am inclined to believe that at the very least He did make sure I wasn't in need of an ER visit before leaving.
This of course does not change the fact that yesterday I was exceedingly emotionally distraught over my memory and how I had perceived the event taking place. I should not have written the original post prior to being fully awake and medicated, because I think that I unintentionally took a tone that I would not have otherwise. For this I have apologized to my Master, but would like to do so again in this public setting. I did not handle this situation with the grace and poise that I would like to think I am capable of, nor did I remember my place as Your slave and act appropriately.
I sought the advice of a trusted friend yesterday, one who knows us both, and she had this advice to offer:
he isn't perfect. but you aren't either. you are both human. You both care for each other and have something special going on. i wouldn't put all my upsetness over this one issue. you talked, you wrote it out. he apologized. i think its something to let go of.
again, i may not be getting the full picture, but what i am getting...seems like it was one of those human moments for you both. doesn't feel like abuse or someone who has zero regard for your well being. sounds like just one of those humanoid moments that you both felt something different about. you saw green, he saw blue. honestly, it sounds ok.
For those of you who remain concerned, you'll be glad to hear that Sir and I have decided to suspend all face slapping and breath play until Alastair is completely resolved. Obviously my physical reaction to these types of stimulus have become unpredictable and quite serious, and we are both concerned about my health and safety. The look on His face when He discussed how He felt, knowing He had caused that type of pain and disability is indescribable. As you'll recall, we have had an incident early in our relationship involving honesty, and I can tell you all that His emotion and apology are 100% sincere.
If you still think that I'm being abused, I invite you to continue to read this blog and remain my friend. If you honestly see any red flags or warning signals, I welcome you to bring your concerns to me. The upshot to all of this is that it has really made me think about consensual slavery versus abuse, and I think that I will be discussing some of these thoughts over the rest of the week.
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