They Say I've Got a Face Made for Radio...

Ok, that's not entirely true... I've been told I've got a voice for radio "but it'd have to be late night radio, cause it's too sexy for daytime"

I'm not sure what to think.

This enlightening comment came from my dear younger sister when we were skyping last week.  When I repeated the comment to LD, His reaction was along the lines of "It's perfect! Piggy Radio! You can do daily 5 minute recordings and sell them off to whoever will buy them.  That's how Perez Hilton started off and it's not like you're lacking in free time at the moment"

So I discovered something deeply disturbing about my psyche, Dear Readers.

You can ask me to piss myself in front of you... you can call me a dirty nasty whore... make me crawl through garbage in a dirty construction site and shout out my depravity for all to hear...  all without blinking.

Ask me to listen to the playback of a recording I've made, and all of a sudden I'm a blushing virgin.

I recorded a demo for Sir the other day - the 1st part of my swingers party story from the blog, for lack of better material.  After 5 seconds of Him listening, I had to lock myself in the bathroom with the fan on, and busy myself plucking my eyebrows and cleaning the toilet until He was finished.  I honestly could not listen to it without feeling complete and utter humiliation.

I have no clue why.

I have no problem recording it! I know how to use my voice to sound sultry and sexy.  If you asked me to talk dirty for you in person, I'd be fine with that - and in fact DO often use my voice to good effect in bed.

I am a strange, strange girl.

The other bump in this road, of course, is if anyone would listen and/or pick up my little podcast/radio show.  Would you listen to these stories and other rambling thoughts from my brain, if they were available?

Babies and Puppies

I find them to be pretty interchangeable.  Every now and then I see a cute one that I want to crouch down and play with (puppies more than babies), always with the understanding that I can hand it back whenever I get sick/bored/disgusted, and when I'm finished I always feel the need to scrub myself down quite thoroughly (babies more than puppies).

In other news, LD and I are getting along quite splendidly... I had a private concert with LD on His keyboard which led to an uncounted (on my part) number of orgasms.  I knew that Him playing turned me on, but I didn't realize quite now much.  I nearly slid off of the couch - thank god it's leather.  

Who knew - I really AM a perv...

Closure

I love all of you, Dear Readers, I really honestly do.

But please for fucks sake stop telling me I'm being physically abused.  Not once, not even in my original emotionally charged post, did I accuse Sir of physical abuse.  Him slapping me across the face is NOT an unusual occurrence. In fact, it is generally an activity that is enjoyed by both of us immensely.  As I outlined in the last of my posts from yesterday, the main issue was the physical response to Sunday's slaps, and my perceived and remembered happenings of the evening.

Sir and I had a long talk last night, and as they say, there are always 3 sides to every story - Her side, His side, and the Truth.  I believe that what happened on Sunday lies somewhere between our individual memories.

Sir says that He did not slap me any harder than He usually does - in fact He hit me less hard than He normally does.  Searching my memories of the evening, the slapping in particular, I do not see Him in my minds eye raising His hand to slap me, or pulling back His arm in any way.  This leads me to believe that He is telling the truth about His intentions and force to the blow.  My physical reaction to this was entirely unexpected by both of us, and based on previous play could not have been foreseen.

Sir also says that He did in fact lay with me for a while afterwards, and then checked in on me again later.  I have a vague memory of Him telling me to put my arm around Him afterwards, but no memory of Him actually laying with me, or checking on me.  Considering the pain in my head and level of drugs in my system, and what I know of His character, I am inclined to believe that at the very least He did make sure I wasn't in need of an ER visit before leaving.

This of course does not change the fact that yesterday I was exceedingly emotionally distraught over my memory and how I had perceived the event taking place.  I should not have written the original post prior to being fully awake and medicated, because I think that I unintentionally took a tone that I would not have otherwise.  For this I have apologized to my Master, but would like to do so again in this public setting.  I did not handle this situation with the grace and poise that I would like to think I am capable of, nor did I remember my place as Your slave and act appropriately.

I sought the advice of a trusted friend yesterday, one who knows us both, and she had this advice to offer:

he isn't perfect. but you aren't either. you are both human. You both care for each other and have something special going on. i wouldn't put all my upsetness over this one issue. you talked, you wrote it out. he apologized. i think its something to let go of.

again, i may not be getting the full picture, but what i am getting...seems like it was one of those human moments for you both. doesn't feel like abuse or someone who has zero regard for your well being. sounds like just one of those humanoid moments that you both felt something different about. you saw green, he saw blue. honestly, it sounds ok.

For those of you who remain concerned, you'll be glad to hear that Sir and I have decided to suspend all face slapping and breath play until Alastair is completely resolved.  Obviously my physical reaction to these types of stimulus have become unpredictable and quite serious, and we are both concerned about my health and safety.  The look on His face when He discussed how He felt, knowing He had caused that type of pain and disability is indescribable.  As you'll recall, we have had an incident early in our relationship involving honesty, and I can tell you all that His emotion and apology are 100% sincere.

If you still think that I'm being abused, I invite you to continue to read this blog and remain my friend.  If you honestly see any red flags or warning signals, I welcome you to bring your concerns to me.  The upshot to all of this is that it has really made me think about consensual slavery versus abuse, and I think that I will be discussing some of these thoughts over the rest of the week.

Some More Thoughts...

I appreciate everyone's personal input to me about abuse and inappropriate reactions.  I have a lot of thinking to do, and re-reading my post from earlier I certainly was very emotional still when I wrote it.  Some more factual information about the incident:

1) I was in fact disobeying His long-standing request to not cling to Him so hard

2) Face slapping IS a common occurrence between us, so it's not unusual for that to have been His reaction

3) He is human, and humans make mistakes.

Did He over-react? Yes, even He has admitted that.

Will He do it again? Only time will tell.

Could He have chosen a better place to hit me as a reprimand? HELL YES!

Did he purposefully physically abuse me? No.

As Dear Husband has pointed out - discipline isn't supposed to be sexy, and only I can decide if it was abuse or not, and if it's something I can live with, and if so in what way.  The migraine issue is what complicates things.  If it weren't for the migraine I'd have had nothing to write about.  Do I expect a higher standard of attention and care for my safety by putting myself in the position I do with Him? Yes, of course.  But He is still human.

My plans for tonight have fallen through, so He and I will have a long discussion tonight.  I promise all of you, Dear Readers, that I will not just lie down and take it, or accept an apology or situation I'm not comfortable with, just because I carry the label 'slave'.

Time for a Debate...

Which would be better/worse?

He had done it on purpose, deliberately... meaning He had been thinking about my head/health and just chose to disregard it

OR...

It was a honest mistake, done without any malice or notice of my head/health?

On the one hand... if it was deliberate at least He was thinking of my health and could make a conscious choice not to do the same thing again... but it means that this was done out of deliberate anger...

On the other hand... if it was an honest mistake, He remains a good person who just did a bad thing without thinking... but what's to stop further mistakes if He's not keeping my health and wellbeing in the forefront of His mind?

...

Discuss...

Amazing

Apparently after being specifically told to be quiet in the morning, my silence is deafening and I was told to talk.  I told Him exactly how I felt and everything from my previous post, and He agreed that I had a right to feel angry and betrayed, that it wasn't a deliberate and malicious act, that it was an overreaction and that He regrets it and apologizes, and that apparently He did lie with me for a few minutes (not that I noticed through the crying and the pain).

I'm still not sure how to feel.  I'm still angry and feeling betrayed, and I made sure He knew that I was not ready to forgive Him.  I still feel like this was a horrible abuse of my trust, despite it not being a deliberately cruel act.  

Of course, every time I think about or discuss or write about this I start crying, which isn't helping the intense pain in my head.

Luckily, I have a date with a friend tonight, so once He leaves for work I will not see Him until I get home just before bedtime.  I think that the distance may do me good, and perhaps it will give Him some time to think about things from my perspective and how He can make things right.

My Weekend

My Dear Readers, I don't know what to do and I am turning to you for advice.  I had a... troublesome weekend.  Let me weave for you my tale of woe...

I had trouble sleeping Saturday night because of Alastair, so I woke up on Sunday in a foul mood.  Spent part of Sunday trying to sleep, and when that failed, threw myself in to errands and little projects around the apartment to try and wear myself out enough to sleep. As I'm scrubbing the bathtub with alcohol to fix my botched "attach a hook with caulking to the bathtub wall" project, LD comes in and tells me that I am living with him to relax and heal, and that I shouldn't be wearing myself out - I should go lie down, or sit and read a book, or something similar.  Now, this was actually pretty good advice because my head was so bad I was having random dizzy spells, so I went and started to read, but was pretty restless.

I made a comment about feeling like a caged tiger, so He decided we should go for a walk, which we did, and it was actually quite enjoyable.  Sir plied me with weed as we sat on the rocks overlooking the lake, and managed to make me crack a smile.  When we returned, I had another dizzy spell and he put me to bed.  Now, before I continue my story, have I mentioned that he's got this pet peeve over when I've got my arms around his neck and I don't let go right away when he pulls back?  No?  It's something He's only mentioned recently and I've been trying to be better about it, but I don't always notice right away when He's pulling away.

So here we are Sunday afternoon, I'm having a dizzy spell, I'm slightly high, and He's leading me to bed.  I'm clinging on to Him for all I'm worth, He's got me tucked in and we're kissing.  Suddenly I feel Him pulling away rather hard - I must have not noticed him doing it earlier.  I let go and He asks me "What have I told you about not letting go?" I mutter an apology and am starting to explain that I hadn't noticed 'cause I was dizzy and high and kissing Him when he asks me again louder "What have I told you about not letting go?" I dutifully reply "don't do it".  "That's right" He says, "don't do it" ... while He's saying that He slaps me and then backhands me across the face.  Hard.  The vision in my left eye goes dim and blurry (happens sometimes with my migraines when they're bad), the pain explodes in my head, my ears start ringing and I start crying.  I curl in to a ball and the only words I'm able to get out are "why the hell couldn't you have hit me anywhere else?"  He pulls the covers over me and leaves without a word.

Now, even when I've done something wrong and I'm actually being punished, He gives me aftercare and/or first aid... a cool towel for my forehead, some ice for the back of my neck, some cuddles and words of reassurance... something.  This time... nothing.  This happened around 4:30.  I came out of the bedroom at 5, told Him I was taking a sleeping pill and going to bed and He could fend for himself for dinner.  His response "that's too bad".  I tell Him that my vision is still blurry in my left eye.  His response "We should talk about this"  I told him I needed some time to cool down or else I'd say things I regretted.  Going to bed He comes in for a good night kiss and says "I know that you're angry, but if I were to drop dead of a heart attack tonight, you'd regret not kissing me good night" Which is true, so we kiss.  I managed to sleep in 4 hour stretches of time, having to get up for more painkillers every 4 hours.  I'm lucky I don't bruise easily, because I've got a job interview today at 11.

Reading this over it sounds like he's a horrible wife beater, which really isn't the case. He did however, abuse my trust.  He talks about how he wants to keep me safe and would never harm me (different from hurting me) and how He wants above all else for me to heal.  And then he goes and ignores all three of those - how hypocritical.  My head didn't even hurt this bad when I first came here 2 weeks ago.  Though I had an MRI almost a year ago that didn't find any physical signs for the pain, what if whatever it is was too small to see then? What if His lack of care while slapping me, and lack of aftercare caused an aneurysm to burst or something else serious?  Obviously the risk of that is low, but the risk is still there with what and the way He did it, and the lack of care afterwards.

What hurts the worst His reaction directly afterwards... even more than the slaps.  He just left the room and walked away.  There are hundreds of other ways He could have punished me - why He chose to slap me there when He knew how badly I was hurting just seems deliberately cruel in a non-sexy way, not to mention an overreaction for my misdeed.

I'm glad He and I didn't talk last night because I definitely would have said things I didn't mean, but even typing it all out now is making me cry.  I don't know if I'm over-reacting, or under-reacting, or what.  Your input is appreciated Dear Readers.