This little piggy is playing by the rules...

Hello DR - did you all have a good Atheist Winter Break (AWB)?

I've managed not to gain any weight over the holidays thus far... something about having the nickname 'piggy' echo through my head every time I reach for any of the baking I did is an effective deterrent... so I suppose it's good for something ;) Instead, I brought in all of my baking to work. If nothing else, my coworkers are all very grateful to LD without knowing to whom or why they are grateful.

LD has been away, visiting family, since the 23rd, and is due back on Wednesday. I told myself that I would follow 'the rules' while he was away and not initiate any contact with him - let him enjoy his time with his family.  He started out texting me every morning, which was sweet, but stopped on the 26th. I'm assuming that his family has been kidnapped by pirates and are now in the hold of some ship while the ninjas battle overhead trying to save them.  Then his pet monkey who is secretly a Nazi will betray him to the French (wait, he IS the French... suspicious) and the ninjas will have to break him out of his carbonite prison in order join the other rebel scum in destroying the pirates. Truly Epic  I look forward to hearing the story when he returns home.  (I may have watched a lot of Harrison Ford movies this past week)

I've also been spending this 'break' doing some thinking about our trust issues and how to overcome them, as well as trying to take an 'outsiders' look at my behaviour and reactions.

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I really let myself get carried away, eh?  I may talk the talk about taking a step back and putting my guard back up, but I've failed miserably at it.  I'm just as entrenched as I always was... nothing has changed except that my rational side is stopping me from acting and making a fool of myself - thank god for that.   My introspection this week has helped me come up with a master plan on how to deal with this trust thing though...   

On the one hand, I could stop playing with him all together and insist on 'vanilla' dates to get to know him better and see if that regrows that trust that was lost...  downside to this is that there is so much sexual tension between us, and roles already defined, that I KNOW D/s would leak through... there's no way we could be completely vanilla together, without so much effort that we would be concentrating more on that than on getting to know each other better. 

My other initial idea was to continue with our play dates, and work my way towards submitting as far as I can with him... but only during our play dates.  Once I walk out of his apartment I am "my own woman" so to speak.   The risk of this is that so far we really only spend time playing and I risk my judgement becoming clouded by the submission and stop thinking objectively.

So the more I thought of these scenarios, the more it seemed like the solution was to combine them.  I will work towards submitting to him to the fullest extent possible when we are in his home and I belong to him.  I am also going to insist on time spent together as equals - either out on dates or in his or my home, where we can get to know each other better in a more 'vanilla' setting.  Time together where I don't have to worry about saying or doing something to get myself punished. This won't be easy on either of us - I know that what I'm asking is something that LD is not used to, so it will be a struggle on his part.  In my opinion, this is good - he should have to struggle a little to regain my trust.  On my part, I will have to remember that when we are together as equals that we are together as equals - that I am my own woman and can act as such and that when our dynamic leaks in to our date, that I can choose whether or not to adhere to it.

My hope, is that through this I will regain my trust in him, and will desire our vanilla dates to become less and less vanilla, until over time I reach that point where I trust him enough to become his, completely and utterly.

Pet Names

LD has been searching for a pet name to call me for some time now... pretty much since we've started dating.  Name calling is something that I enjoy, and it fits in so well with humiliation play, or to put me in the proper mindset for a scene... Aside from the variety of names used 'in scene', having a regular pet name is affectionate, it sets a mood/mindset even when not in scene, reminds the submissive of their place...  LD has a name, which I do not know, which he would like to call me... one day... once our dynamic is at that point...  His second choice, and my name for the time being is...

piggy

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Are you all done with your moral indignation and gasping?  One friend, when I told her my pet name, responded with "omg I would cry".  'Humiliating' names are apparently fine for play, but not as an every day nickname.

Do I like the nickname 'piggy'? not particularly; I'm not particularly against it either.  I'm actually fairly apathetic about it... it doesn't bring about any strong reaction of shame or embarrassment... nor does it fill me with warm fuzzy feelings of love and tenderness.  It does make me feel slightly more self conscious about my weight, but considering I'm trying to drop a few pounds, that's not a bad thing.  Will I want to blush and stammer and whisper it the first time he makes me call myself piggy?  Probably... Will I let myself? No.  Will I learn to love it? Most likely... much as giving my husband the middle finger has come to represent "I love you", any demeaning/degrading/disrespectful action or word can take on its own meaning to a couple.

On that note... I'm off to market - I've got a roast beef to purchase...

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Where to draw the line?

Have you missed me, Dear Readers?

When we last left our story, I was unraveling a web of deceit which had been spun around me. I'm not going to get in to the details here, but suffice it to say that I was lied to, which has broken my trust and we are working to get that back. One of my stipulations of this, was that I wouldn't submit any further than I already had, until I felt that that trust had returned. Originally I had told him that I would bottom for him, but not submit. After some discussion, I agreed that I would only submit to the level that I already had.

I will admit that I am finding this to be a bit of a challenge, both from the original challenge of submitting after so long, and the fact that when I am in his presence I just want to lose myself to him, which I just can't do right now. I HAVE to hold myself in reserve... keep that control so that I don't move quicker than I ought to... My emotional/submissive side might be keen to pick up where we left off... but my rational side knows that I just can't move that quickly without regretting it later.

This brings me to my conundrum for the moment, DR (are you excited that you've gotten your own initials Dear Readers? I promise I don't put you in the same category as the other prospects... you and me have something special).

I had a date last night with LD. During that time he asked me if, within the four walls of his home, I belonged to him. I replied yes. However, I find myself wondering if it is fair to belong to someone in a 'scene' sense, when you are working to rebuild the trust required to belong to them in a much more 24/7 M/s sense. Is this the way to regain that trust? Or will it just blur the lines and make things confused? Can I truly let myself belong to him during a scene, or will those trust issues get in the way?

Despite my saying that I would not submit any further, LD verbalized an expectation that... I was supposed to intuitively have known(?) regarding not being 'helpful' and acting before being ordered to. I had arrived with the mindset that we were at a plateau... our relationship in stasis, so to speak, and arrived to a new rule. Upon reflection I decided that this didn't really push my level of submission much farther than it was already at, and so I've added it to my list of rules and will make every effort to incorporate it in to my behaviour around him. But that brings me back to my original confusion.

When I told him that I would not submit to him any further than I already have... did I mean during play or as a relationship level? If I am able to overcome the trust issue and submit to him fully during play, will that not blur my judgement/actions in submitting to him as a development of our relationship? Or... by submitting to him 'en scene' will that help me to work towards trusting him him enough to submit to him as part of the M/s relationship we're working towards? I told him that actions speak louder than words, and while I've said before that I trust him implicitly with my physical safety, how is he to prove to me that he is trustworthy with everything else unless I give him the opportunity?

Delving in to psychoanalyic bullshit for a moment... is the reason that I am 'helpful' and jump the gun on his orders because we have not resolved this yet? Is this a symptom of our trust issues - not that I don't actually trust him to remove my bra, or remember to take off my watch, but that I have not been able to reach the mindset to really submit in every way and this is how it is manifesting itself? Am I perhaps not able to fully submit even during a scene at the moment? If so, how do I get myself to that point? I can verbalize that I trust him to submit to him during a scene, but if my actions bely my words... what do I do?

More Questions...

If he was doing something that he felt he wasn't being upfront about, why would he post to his twitter about it? He had no way of knowing if I was following his twitter or not, but had to know that I'd see it eventually...

Why is he putting in effort to explain and 'make things right'? Things are so new that surely it would be easier to just drop me and find a new mark if he was conning me? Yet, he replied to the text message I sent last night about the airline not cancelling their flights, saying that he would call me this evening because he doesn't want me to be troubled.  He hasn't invested that much time in me - I don't see the motivation to lie your way out of a situation like you would with a relationship you'd had forever.

Why would he invite me to check up on him, unless he really believed he was telling the truth?  He has to know me well enough by now to know that I WOULD check, and not just take his offer as confirmation of truth. 

Is my judgement in men really this bad? I mean... seriously?  I'm not talking about my bad luck in the bedroom (as evidenced by this blog),  but in relationships in general...  I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with DH, because he seems to be the big exception to my track record.  Maybe he's leading a secret second life behind my back?

He seems to genuinely care, and we seem to be compatible in a million different ways... but how much of that is truth? On the other hand, what's the point of concocting a huge scam? Some of it must be truth...

Weird thing is... I'd still trust him to play with him.  I'd put my physical safety into his hands in a heartbeat, and I'm feeling this loss of trust worse than the hardest lashing he'd ever given me.  This, folks, is why I usually stick to random one night stands... keep the emotions out of it and there's less opportunity for heartbreak and angst.

Confused

Dear Readers, I come to you for your advice...  I am going to try and present this as neutrally as possible, prior to posting my own thoughts below.

1) When LD and I first met, he was emphatic that if he ever caught me lying, he would drop me immediately

2) Yesterday, LD was supposed to be leaving on a business trip early in the morning.  He came online and I asked how his flight was.  He told me that his early flight had been cancelled and he was booked for an early afternoon flight instead.  He told me that, in fact, the airline in question had been shut down all morning due to the winds and weather we're currently having.

3) LD logs off to go catch his flight, and curious to see if he would be able to make it out ok, I check the airline website.  All of their flights from our hometown to his destination show up as having left and arrived.

4) This sets off my radar and I decide to do a little more digging.  I re-stumble across his twitter, where the following is posted:

just home from date # 2. Was it always this hard?8:59 PM Dec 5th from EchofonDecember 5th, if you'll recall, was the day that I got my piercings done.  When we originally made plans, we were going to spend the afternoon/evening together after I got pierced.  In the week before, he cancelled that portion of our plans, citing 'so sorry, but I have a personal issue I need to resolve and that aft/evening is my only opportunity'  On the day of the piercing he also had some work issues come up which were to fill up his afternoon.5) Two days ago I asked: "I'd like clarifications on the monogamy/polygamy aspects of our relationship... I am not allowed to play with anyone without your express permission (husband being the exception) - will you be pursuing other play partners/relationships?" His reply was "good question. answer is no. however, I might (one hopes) aquire a primary partner of my own one day... which would be my equivalent of your husband." and "I think this subject requires much more talk,... but perhaps not until you and I have decided whether to cross the line we are quickly approaching" 6) He called me last night when I mentioned that I was upset and needed come clarification on these issues. He explained that his 'date' was with a legal professional friend in matters relating to his ex-wife, and that he did not give me details because he didn't feel we were at a level where we would be sharing the dirty laundry of our lives with each other.  He insisted that the morning flights had been cancelled, and in fact his afternoon flight was delayed as well.  He encouraged me to continue checking up on him.7) With that in mind, I called the airline in question - they did not cancel any of their flights yesterday, though there were delays all day.
I am confused and torn.  Even as I write this, I know what the clear answer is, but I also know that things aren't always as they seem.  Am I just deluding myself because I've had such bad luck and LD and I have so much chemistry?  I certainly don't/didn't need all of the sordid details, but why "I have a personal issue" instead of "I have to meet someone regarding my ex wife"?  That Tweet really doesn't sound like it was a platonic meeting, now does it?  Don't get me wrong, I'm not pissed off that he cancelled plans with me to go on a romantic outing - a simple "I've got a date tonight" would have been fine.  I have a primary relationship, who am I to deny that for anyone else?  He clarified last night that he was not planning on pursuing any other BDSM relationships.This leads me to question though - is he looking for a vanilla primary?  Why? At what point would he tell this girl about me? Is he really going to find a "vanilla" primary who is ok with him having a sex slave on the side?  She's not really 'vanilla' then, now is she?
Why would you lie about something so easily verified by phone?  This double baffles me, because he has admitted to me a number of things that put him in a less-than-positive light... and you don't tell lies that make you look bad, right?  So why tell the truth about these big things, and then lie about something so small and easily verified?  Unless he's not lying and he was told that the flight was cancelled and didn't verify himself?  There is a big part of me that wants to accept what he's saying and just move on... I call her irrational!Rubenesque ... logical!Rubenesque is pointing out that even if all of my questions were answered satisfactorily, it still leaves him not being 100% upfront and honest with me.  I can't help but ask... If he were in my shoes... what would he do?  Dear Readers - what would you do? 

I feel pretty... oh so pretty...

I've been wearing makeup for a week now... 7 days of concealer and foundation; lipstick and eyeliner...

Someone tell me how to get mascara off!  I scrub my face and eyes raw every evening and every morning I wake up with mascara smudges under my eyes.  What gives?!  I've tried the pre-moistened makeup remover clothes, I've tried make up remover lotion... nothing seems to get it all off.

My own personal challenges aside.  In the past 7 days, I have received 10 compliments on my appearance... "you're looking pretty today" "have you done something different?" "did you get new glasses? your hair is different? you look good today".  On the one hand, who doesn't like compliments? It's nice to know that other people find you attractive or that you've done something to get their notice.  On the other hand, it still burns that the reason I'm getting these compliments is solely because I am now made up.

It is becoming a habit though... Today, LD left for a short business trip, so I am 100% certain that I will not be seeing him tonight.  My rule is very clear that the only time I am *required* to be made up is in his presence...  and yet I dutifully did my makeup this morning, thinking of him as I did it.  Yesterday, there was some confusion between am and pm on my alarm clock and I woke up when I should have been leaving the house.  With piercings to clean and lunch to put together, despite all of the running around, I did my makeup before rushing out the door.  Sunday, I caught myself throwing on some concealer and lip gloss before going grocery shopping. 

I'm afraid of turning in to one of *those girls*... it feels like it won't be long until I will be like my sister - unable to let anyone see my natural face, dependent on this artificial beauty.

On a completely separate note, I "pleasantly surprised" LD last night when I called to wish him a safe and stress-free trip.  I was planning on leaving a message for him, in that he was at an event, but to my delight he picked up the phone.  I like 'pleasantly surprising' him... it means that I've exceeded his expectations, and that's a goal that I strive for.  There was lots of background noise so it was difficult to hear everything he said, but I secured a promise that he would let me know once he'd returned home safely.  It's not that I fear his travel methods, it's just nice to know when he's home. 

Sadly, the fates are conspiring against us, for after this business trip he has family visiting for the weekend, and he is away again for the beginning of next week, concluding the trip that he is on now.  It will actually be a week from today before our schedules will allow us to see each other.  I suppose this gives me plenty of time to get my baking done for the holidays.