This isn't Gay at all...

LOOKING FOR PHONE BUDS - m4mw (NORTH YORK) 29yr

HEY GUYS!! 
IM A 29 YEAR OLD STRAIGHT GREEK GUY, LOOKING FOR OTHER STRAIGHT GUYS ONLY INTO TALKING ON THE PHONE, LOVE GETTING OFF ON THE PHONE TALKING ABOUT PUSSY, GANG BANGS AND DOUBLE PENETRATION!!! IF YOUR INTO IT AND WANT TO GET OFF WITH ANOTHER BRO AND TALK ABOUT THOSE THINGS, EMAIL ME AND WE WILL TAKE IT FROM THERE!! NOT INTO GAY STUFF, NOT INTO MINORS OR TALKING ABOUT MINORS!! 

LETS DO IT BRO'S EMAIL ME...

I have no words...  this man wants to get off over the phone with another man, but only while talking about 'hetero' stuff...  yup, nothing gay about that situation at all... as long as you don't talk about anything gay, getting off with another guy isn't gay...  

huh, I guess I did have some words after all... they're What. The. Fuck.

Going Pro

With my desire for pretty shiny things and beauty products/treatments at an all time high, coupled with the added costs associated with a killer house, I've decided to make some extra cash taking on a part-time job in the oldest profession known to man...

I'm no stranger to sex work... I've been a porn star and a pro-sub/pro-Domme, but I've never straight up 'escorted' ... which I suppose doing 'freelance fetish work' I am essentially doing.

With DHs blessing to take on this part-time job, LD has graciously agreed to be my pimp... I am positive dear readers that along with some extra pocket money, this will be an unending supply of wonderful stories for you all.

While porn was a waste of time (You get paid for 1 hour of actual filming, that takes approximately 8 hours to actually get done), and the dungeon I worked for was a waste of time (too many 'unpaid' shifts, and the commute was too long), doing 'freelance' work will hopefully cut out all of the time-wasters and middle-men that made sex work less than ideal as a primary income.

If nothing else I'll have some fun 'playing hooker' ;)

Translation Please

I was going to post a long and rambling angst-fest about my evening yesterday when I thought to myself "I don't even want to dwell on yesterday long enough to write about it - why would my Dear Readers sit through reading it?"  So instead, I ask you all to tell me WHAT THE FUCK THIS GUY IS SAYING!

bb btm for bb pnp tops - m4mw (Toronto) 28yr

hot bb btm guy (28) seeks bb pnp tops to pnp and get wild... hot bubble butt for your use. love to suck, rim, fuck... Travel or ent. 
BB PNP action now.

I thought I was down with most internet abbreviations, but I'm completely lost here...

and just a quick housekeeping note: You've got 2 weeks to enter Rubenesque Brunette's Big Bad Boost Readership Contest (tm) and I don't have a single entry yet! I'm shocked!  Are you all telling me that $25 isn't enough to get you to pimp out an awesome blog like mine? How will I ever get my book deal?!

Finding a Third for my Secondary

Sometimes I think that I need an advanced degree in mathematics in order to figure out my relationships... or perhaps a PhD in flow charts...

LD and I are looking for a third.  If you get a third with your secondary, what does that make him? do you multiply the numbers? or is he a secondary cubed?  My secondary's secondary? My primary's tertiary? gah!

Specifically, LD is giving me the gift of my own little boytoy to Dominate and play with... and it couldn't come a moment too soon.

Domina Rubenesque Brunette has been having some uncharitable thoughts lately.

After the 4th time getting up off of the floor to bring LD another drink or snack, I catch myself thinking "for fucks sake, is he deliberately waiting until I sit down to send me back in to the kitchen?!"

... ...

After a very long and unsuccessful afternoon of errands, every frustration and roadblock is met with the thought "gee, it must be nice to have a slave to do all of this for You"

...

Criticism is countered in my head with "I don't have to take this, I can leave at any time, what the hell am I doing here?"

Domina RB wants to be let out to play.

Shockingly, it hasn't been as easy to find a third as you might think.  Are we being too picky? We're looking for someone who is:

• submissive
• bisexual
• attractive (in our opinion)
• adventurous in their kinks and/or shares some of our kinks

How hard can this be?!

Well let me tell you Dear Readers, it has been an exercise in frustration.  Harder, in fact, than when I was looking for a secondary, even though I had more exacting criteria then.  Apparently a truly bisexual submissive male is like a unicorn... completely mythical.

Did you know, Dear Readers, that in order to call yourself bisexual (as a man), all you have to do is be comfortable naked in the same room as another naked man?  Hell, if you let a guy suck you off once while you were drunk, you're practically a full fledged gay man!  

and just a tip, for all of you submissive men out there who might be in this situation... when asked if you're bisexual, saying "well I'd let him suck me off" is NOT an appropriate answer.  Honey, you are a submissive man who is going to be tag teamed between two Dominants... how much oral do you REALLY think YOU'LL be receiving?  I suggest you stretch your jaw before coming over however.

After the last couple months of completely unsuccessful attempts, we finally found someone to meet up with.  The plan was to meet up for drinks prior to the swingers party, just to check each other out in person.

We got stood up.

Next on the list, a trans MTF who's stopped midway through his transitioning a few years ago (though advertised himself as a cross dresser, not trans) and is cheating on his partner.  I am normally very anti-cheating, but have gotten to the point where I am willing to relax my standards enough to at least check him out.  He was... ok... Attractive enough, I suppose... didn't make me want to jump him when I saw him.  Obviously nervous.  Does seem to share a lot of our kinks, does seem to *actually* be both submissive and bisexual... Not ideal but I suppose worth a second meeting someplace less noisy, where perhaps he'll be less nervous and we can check him out a little more thoroughly.  

Selfishly, my biggest hangup on cheating is the logistics to it.  I don't want to have to bother with sneaking around and managing schedules, etc.  When i was looking for a secondary, it was a deal breaker.  When you're in a secondary relationship, you're managing 3 schedules as it is... mine, His and DHs...  When you throw in a 4th schedule to try and sneak around, suddenly you're lucky if you can manage a meeting once a quarter.  Should CCD (Cheating Cross Dresser) become involved with us, that will be FIVE schedules that we are trying to deal with.  Makes my head hurt just thinking about how to coordinate something like that.

We also have another date next Friday with a prospect... practically a kinky virgin, though he seems quite eager, so I'm not suer how carefully we'll have to tread.   We all know how much I enjoy popping cherries though, so the newbie aspect may be a bonus for us.

I will keep you apprised of our progress (or lack thereof) Dear Readers.. I'm sure there will be more amusing stories to come.

The Return of 'The Worst of Craigslist'

Note from RB:  A reminder that you've only got 2 weeks left to enter Rubenesque Brunette's Big Bad Boost Readership Contest (tm) ... I don't have a single entry yet, so your odds of winning are pretty damn good!  Rubenesque Brunette has also joined the land of facebook - add me to your feed!

Why look here Dear Readers!  Rubenesque Brunette has been lovingly wading through the fetid fecal matter of Craigslist to find you the hilarious posts that you won't see in the 'Best of Craigslist' section.  Without further ado, here are some recent posts that caught my eye:

Shower service req'd tomorrow - m4mw - 50 (Queens Quay West)

A tall, fit, professional alpha male seeks a shower slave to wash me from the waist down, front and back, drink my pee, tongue check my ass for total
cleanliness as far as your tongue can reach, suck, swallow and leave. 

Obviously you have to be submissive, ideally female. No recip or socialising

OBVIOUSLY you have to be submissive...  Also - while You're in the shower, why not get her to wash all of You?  Only from the waist down?  Will You take care of from the waist up, or is that a separate ad?  Do you really imagine that she's going to want to sit around and socialize before/after?  Though really, it would be only polite to offer her a drink after she's downed Your piss and tongued Your ass "as far as [her] tongue can reach"

seeking a foot friend - m4w - 40 (north york)

single male, handsome, outgoing, smart, seeks a non smoking  girl 23+ to be a foot friend, free salon pedicures, shoe shopping, foot massages. also good friendship talks and outings.  only interested in those who can talk and meet soon.  no fakes, phonies, frauds, time wasting.

Seeking Foot Friend - w4m (Rexdale) 26yr
***Originally posted in W4M but was flagged for some reason... I really feel
it belongs in that category though***

I really enjoy having my feet worshipped and am looking for a foot friend to worship them on a regular basis.

You must have a car, be able to host, and be in your 20's or 30's.

Ideally, you would be a little submissive and like doing things for me like driving me around when I need to go somewhere, take me for pedicures (or if
you know how to give them - give me pedicures), perhaps even buy me shoes on occasion or give me gifts/tribute.

I would like a friend too though... someone I can go for coffee with, or watch a movie with.

If you are interested, reply with a picture.

me: pretty petite brunette, cute size 7 feet, white, easygoing, 420 friendly.

These two are a match made in heaven!  Both ads were posted on the same day, within hours of each other... nothing suspicious there, right? It's obviously just karma trying to bring two like minded people together.  Though really, this is a lesson that you should always check before posting, because your match may already have an ad up.

The Swinger's Party: Part III

After everyone had had enough time to 'get to know each other'... I suppose to make them feel less like they'd be fucking strangers...  SwingerWoman suggested we all adjourn to the play room.

Now, don't ask me what they do with this room when they have family over - it's a bedroom that's got a king and twin bed pushed together, and a rack of baskets for people's clothing, and a huge TV and that's about it.  LD and I were the first ones undressed so we got on to the bed with SwingerWoman and that's when the 'fun' started... my memories are jumbled and non-linear, not to mention I wasn't wearing my glasses, but let me just relate a few of the more memorable moments of our 'wild orgy'...

During

• Being proven right that SwingerWoman likes to talk the talk but isn't actually bi - I couldn't get any further than some light petting...
• Alternative Girl being exceedingly fascinated with my Christina piercing
• Watching Porn 'Stache and Asian Lady only fuck each other, and wondering what the hell they're doing at a swingers party, after SwingerMan and SwingerWoman specifically commented about people like that during our screening (remember, these are people who had been invited back).
• Kissing Alternative Guy and finding out that he's not a very good kisser.
• Having Alternative Guy go down on me and fearing that his tongue stud would get caught in my VCH ring.  It didn't, but between my two piercings, his tongue ring, and his ineptitude, there was an awful lot of metal down there and wasn't very fulfilling.
• Alternative girl and guy taking turns going down on me... she was marginally better.
• Alternative girl hurting her shoulder while being fucked on the floor by Geeky
• Faking 2 (or was it 3?) orgasms with Alternative Guy and wondering if he was ever going to fuck me, or just camp out between my legs all night.  Resist from asking him if he's planning on doing anything interesting down there.
• Looking around and realizing that NO ONE was fucking... maybe 4 or 5 people fucked the entire time, the rest was all petting and oral.
• Erik the Viking camping out on Perky Tits and sending her to rapturous joy repeatedly with his (apparently) astounding oral skills (can you blame him? the guys got to compensate somehow)
• Erik the Viking's Wench making a comment about wanting a turn with Perky Tits, and then SHE camped out eating her out.
• Erik the Viking moving on to SwingerWoman, eating her out for forever, climbing on top of her and reaching his 'edge' in about 15 seconds. In retrospect I wonder how he managed a condom (yes, when flaccid it COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED)
• SwingerMan being the first to start fucking - fucking Alternative Girl who is apparently the one who wanted the DP (which did not happen, as I predicted), and then finding out afterwards that the two women that SwingerMan fucked, he did without condoms.
• Laying on the bed, watching the fuzzy room full of flesh, when Boris comes over and starts eating me out (what is it with this party and oral?!)... finally he fucks me and I spend the time biting my tongue so as not to tell him to put his back in to it.  Fake 2 more orgasms with him.
• Watching Alternative Girl give bad sloppy oral to LD
• Watching all of the men be *very* *very* careful not to accidentally touch

Afterwards

• Erik the Viking giving me the once over and expressing regret that he "never got over" to me
• Multiple oohs and aahs over my tattoo.  Have to fudge it when I start talking about my next tattoo (a similar piece but with a kinky theme) saying that I "wasn't sure of a design yet"
• The entire time, trying not to reveal that LD wasn't my husband/primary through comments referring to DH (for example, talking about some movie, LD expressed no knowledge of it, and I almost blurted out "oh hey, we own that - I'll bring it over some time")
• All of the women, save myself, getting dressed immediately in either a robe/towel of their clothing before joining the group in the living room.  The men remain naked.  Uh guys - we were ALL JUST TOUCHING IN THE OTHER ROOM.  WE'VE ALL SEEN WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER.

All in all, this was the most boring group sex that I'd ever had - the party was done by 11, and the 'sex' in total only lasted a little over an hour I guess (by my rough time estimates... I could be wrong).  

LD and I spent the entire commute home (did I mention that this party was in SCARBOROUGH?) talking about what a waste of an evening that had been.  Seriously, I take my assessment of Swingers being cookies and cream back... they're just as vanilla as the vanillas... maybe with a tiny bit of caramel swirl or something...  but still pretty damn vanilla...

and now I want ice cream again.

Damn.

The Swinger's Party: Part II

So Saturday night was the Swinger's Party.  For those of You who don't want to read a long post (and if so, why are you here?), skip until tomorrow and read the summary.  Today I'll be introducing the cast of characters.

We arrive at the party early - traffic was light, our previous engagement ended early (more on this another day) and even after having some... navigational problems... we were half an hour early.  No problem, we're listening to a play off game so we chill in my car for a bit.  When we go upstairs, SwingerWoman answers the door wearing a satin nightie and makes a joke about us getting lost between the parking lot and the apartment.  We settle in to some small talk which was so boring that I honestly couldn't tell you what we talked about... mother's day plans? repeating more of the same from the initial meeting?  

SwingerMan arrives with the next couple, which he had been picking up from the subway.  

Erik the Red and His Wench

He's.. a viking?  Quite large, long red hair, long beard.  She's tall and thin, quite pretty.  Definitely one of those couples where you take a moment to wonder how they ended up together.  Erik the Red and his wench sit down and we continue with the small talk. They do some sort of work in leather supply. She's actually American and working towards her citizenship. SPOILER: At the end of the party, seeing him naked, I could not find his cock.  I can only hope for the Wench's sake that he's a serious 'grower', 'cause he sure as hell ain't a 'shower'.

Two more couples arrive...

Perky Tits and the Geek

At first look I figure that Perky Tits will be LDs favourite of the night.  Similar build to mine - perhaps a little larger (ok, now that I've lost so much weight, DEFINITELY a little larger) but still very curvy, and gorgeous perky tits.  Short brown hair and glasses...   I felt horribly saggy in comparison, even wearing a bra.  I totally should have asked her how she does it.  I bet she had work done.  He is tall, skinny and geeky... brown hair and glasses... fairly nondescript otherwise.  Panics at the fact that we mishear him say 'geeky' and think he said 'kinky' ... geez dude, don't act as if it's some STI or fate worse than death.  

Porn 'Stache and Asian Lady

She is a hot Asian in a slinky silver dress.  But wait... is she wearing PANTYHOSE?  Really?  Even if you're not a fan of them, you couldn't have put up with some stockings for the night?  He's got the grooviest 70's porn 'stache that I've ever seen in person.  I don't mean that as a compliment.  They've known SwingerMan and SwingerWoman for a while, have apparently been to these parties before, but pretty much keep to themselves.

We're waiting on 2 more couples, and the nervous chatter continues.  Talk about digestive issues when consuming foods that cause allergies, recipe sharing, and going gray versus going bald are just some of the totally hot and sexy conversations we have to ramp ourselves up for the orgy.  Finally, another couple arrives

The 'Alternative' Couple

She arrives wearing a body stocking and short skirt (don't worry though, she's got underwear on underneath), and some really hot shoes that would perfectly match this one bra that I've got.  My first thought is that perhaps a larger skirt would be in order - she's sporting some serious muffin top, which is NOT attractive encased in a body stocking.  He's got a shaved head, fairly skinny, unremarkable otherwise.  Turns out they've both got pierced tongues, and she's got pierced nipples and a VCH piercing.  That seems... promising?  She oohs and ahhs over my knee high boots, which LD has elected to leave on me for the night, along with my stockings.  Turns out they're late because they live in Ajax, or were coming from Richmond Hill, or something involving snow.  I'm not really sure.  At this point I'm wondering if there will ever be any fucking...

We're still waiting for one more couple.  Apparently he's a musician and she works Saturday's so 'it's to be expected'.  More banal pleasantries.  I honestly have no memory about what we spent all of this time talking about.  FINALLY, the last couple arrives...

Natasha and Boris

She's got a red bob, about my build and is dressed in a black off the shoulder top, black capris and red fishnets.  When she gets undressed she's wearing a fake red corset (not the kind you can seriously tighten) and the fishnets are those pantyhose made to look like stockings on a garter.  He's wearing.. jeans? a little stocky, dark skin tone, glasses.  Both have accents.  This couple is a long time friend of SwingerMan and SwingerWoman, so there's much catching up and yet more introductions.  

The time is now somewhere just before 10pm and I'm thinking that LD is definitely getting the better end of the bargain, 'cause the women are all much hotter than the men, and I'm NOT getting the 'uninhibited' vibe that the ad for this party promised.

That, though, my Dear Readers... is a story for tomorrow...