Rubenesque Brunette's Big Bad Boost Readership Contest (tm)

So I was on my hands and knees, being filmed while sucking off a dolphin shaped dildo while holding an enema and being pissed on when I had the thought "How can I boost my readership to the blog? What inventive way can I attract more readers? This has to be something that no blogger has ever done before, something new and innovative..." As the group of men completed the money-shot and the director yelled 'cut', it came to me "hold a contest RB!"

So that's exactly what I'm doing.

Now, because this blog isn't exactly making me any money (in fact, the legal fees for keeping this blog going eat in the vast advertising profits at an astounding rate), the grand prize isn't as mind-blowing as I'd like... but it's a little mind blowing.

It's a $25 Rubenesque Brunette gift card for Cara Foods.

Take your significant other out for a drink and laugh at your good fortune for not having experiences like the ones I write about...

Or go alone and drown your sorrows that you could start a competing blog...

Or take a date and impress her/him with your sexy RB gift card...

Rules for entry are super simple:

1) Spread the love to everyone you know!

2) Have them read a random post, and then comment on THIS post with a fact from the post they read, and who sent 'em, for example:

NaughtyElephant says: "StudMuffin23 sent me and I loved the post where you had the threesome with the two guys who were more interested in each other than in you!"

3) The person who refers the most new readers wins!

Contest runs until May 30th. This gives you 3 weeks to drum up as many readers as possible, and for my custom gift card to arrive.

If this is successful, would you like to see other contests Dear Readers?

(also, for those of you with good eyesight, you'll notice the URL on the gift card... anyone willing/able to help me set that sucker up?)

Swingers Party: Part I

A Note from RB: I want to address a very serious issue before I start the hilarity of today's post.  Comments.  Specifically, the appalling lack of them.  I know that there are people out there reading this... or LD is clearing his cache and reloading this blog a couple dozen times a day (if so, thanks for boosting my ego LD!)  I ask you questions, I seek your input, and yet you leave me hanging... why Dear Readers, why? Have I done something to offend you? Are you punishing me for my hiatus in posting?  Am I not being funny enough?  Please Dear Readers, validate me! I'm not above bribing you all... I'll be posting later today with a contest that is essentially just that...

and now... the swingers party, part I

Those of us who are kinky tend to divide the world in two - vanilla, and double-fudge-caramel-with-nuts-brownies-cherries-and-chocolate-chunks ... hrm, now I want ice cream, weird.

In reality though Dear Readers, there is a third breed of human... let's call them.. cookies and cream.  They THINK that they're living on the edge, pushing the envelope of decency, titillated by their taboo activities.

I am, of course, talking about Swingers.

Approximately 100 years ago, LD replied to a craigslist ad for a swingers party.  After some back and forth, we met with the couple for drinks last week for our 'screening'.  Prior to the meeting we agreed that we would not reveal our Master/slave relationship.  This ended up being a good call.  I spent the bulk of the meeting biting my tongue and making sarcastic comments in my head.

SwingerMan and SwingerWoman are your average white bread aging hippies... matching turquoise shirts and sensible sandals.  His hair is just long enough that he can justify to himself that he's flaunting the stereotypical standards set out for men, despite the fact that approximately 60% of guys are wearing their hair "shaggy" or longer these days.  He orders a coke.  She is rather plain jane, wearing a bright tie dyed sweater and orders a virgin strawberry daiquiri by asking for a 'non alcoholic fruity slush of some sort".

We get down to business and I am immediately struck by how... vanilla.. they really are.  These people are talking about sleeping with someone other than their primary partner as if it is the wildest thing you could possibly do... though of course they are enlightened enough that it's No Big Deal to them.  We elect not to reveal that LD is not my husband - I think that would have been too much for them to take.  

Throughout the whole meeting I become increasingly convinced that this must be what purgatory is - *thinking* that you're the very picture of bad-ass taboo sexual practices while in reality you're just... having vanilla sex with someone else...

We discuss the logistics of the party, hearing in depth descriptions of the dip and snacks that they provide, SwingerMans inability to consume salt anymore, the need for reading glasses (at this point I'm starting to feel how painfully obvious it is that I am at least 20 years younger than SwingerWoman, and 30 younger than SwingerMan), and other banalities that I will save you from Dear Readers (trust me, you should thank me... preferably in the form of lavish gifts).

We're informed of the 'main event' for this Saturday's party... some woman who is a regular at their parties has been trying to arrange a DP for 2 years, and yet never manages to 'get around to it' ... ummm... you can't want that DP very badly honey, it's not rocket science - you grab two cocks and go at it.  

Two summers ago it took me about a week to find two guys... Last fall it took me approximately a month to set up a DP (mind you, they were more interested in each other than in me, but that's neither here nor there).  I started making mental bets with myself if this woman will get caught up playing with someone else again and "miss out" on her DP.  

Honestly, I was a little shocked at this news - I had assumed that anal was too far over that 'taboo' line... though maybe that's why the DP hasn't happened yet...

SwingerWoman comments on my nails... I think she's... flirting? ... I make small talk and somehow mention that I've drawn blood with them.  Aghast, SwingerWoman asks if I do it deliberately.  Warning bells go off in my head. "Of course not" I reply.  Crisis averted.  Will have to remember to dull the edges before Saturday.

On the way home, we discuss whether LD should keep his waxing appointment - will this be too "weird" for vanillas? Is it normal for vanilla men to be without pubic hair?  Will my various genital piercings (all 4 of them) and tattoo be a turn off or turn on (consensus: the men will go wild, the women will shy away)... Will this be worth our time?

Stay tuned for Part II!

A Contest? How new and exciting!

I think that I might be the first blogger to ever think of this... as a Digital Native, I love being on the cutting edge frontier of Web 2.0 and all that crazy shit...

Stay tuned on Monday for my big "Boost RBs Readership Contest" Announcement (tm)!

Hair

A Note from RB: I will be posting on a M-F schedule, so don't be surprised when there are no updates this weekend.  Never fear though Dear Readers, I will be back on Monday with something inspiring and hilarious to say... I think.  We're going to a swinger's party on Saturday, so I should have LOTS to say come Monday morning - it'll be like 6 one-night stands all compressed in to one evening.  Sort of like speed dating!  Why didn't I think of this back in September when I started doing this blog?

Now, to your regularly scheduled post...

A while back I got my hair permed.  It had been 10 years and I thought to myself "There must have been all sorts of improvements and developments in the field of chemical hair treatments, right?"  Then I thought to myself "This is going to look fantastic!" Finally, just to cement the jinx firmly in place I thought "How can this go wrong?"  

Three months later, I am finding out exactly how it can go wrong.  Apparently whatever developments that have happened in the last 10 years were not nearly enough - my hair is breaking, leaving me with a frizzy halo... a nimbus of hair, none of it longer than 4 inches.  This halo of fly-aways is getting larger every week, and my head weighs approximately 10% more than it did before the perm, from the copious amounts of hairspray I have begun using. 

A week after getting it done, the stylist gave me a 'lesson' on how to style it, and even using all of her 'super secret professional' tips, I look like a bad drag queen impersonating Madonna.  While this is an inspiring look for many occasions, it is not the look I was originally going for.

I've received permission to cut my hair off, but the question remains on how it gets done...  we have 3 options, and I'd like your input!

1. Live with the frizz for a while and set up a jaw-dropping head shaving scene at some public event

2. Let Sir drag me to his most-trusted-uber-hip-Queen-West Salon and let them go wild (on his instruction)

3. Combine the two and set up a smoking hot hair cutting scene and then let the salon tidy things up afterwards ("my niece decided to play barber while I was napping")

So Dear Readers, what are your thoughts?  I'm really inclined to beg LD to do #3.. it won't be quite as shocking as actually shaving my head bald, but will give me the advantage of having some hair left afterwards for LD to have styled.  Don't get me wrong, I have a very nicely shaped head and used to look quite good with very short hair... I just want to lose some more weight before I go completely bald, lest I look like a cue ball.

On the subject of hair, I've recently been bestowed the gift of a Tria Home Laser System which I have wanted for a while.  Much cheaper than actually going and getting hair removal done professionally, with the added benefit of not having to try and schedule big blocks of time to get stuff done.  Downside of course, being that you're doing it yourself.  

Sir seemed to think that this would just be a new toy to torture me with - He's been bugging me for almost 2 weeks now to get it charged and set up.  Finally the other night I got everything ready and told him to go wild. I'm sure He was envisioning all sorts of wicked things and ways he could make me weep and squirm, but the joke ended up being on Him.  

Save for a small patch of my most intimate areas, even on the highest setting my high pain threshold prevented me from really feeling anything.  The areas where it was painful, I quickly became paranoid of burning due to the darker skin tone, but thankfully everything is fine... good to know when I get around to actually removing the hair down there. 

This lack of pain will be a benefit when I actually start doing the hair removal because I'll be able to zip through it a lot quicker - You're supposed to treat the area twice a month for 4 months, and then once a month for 4 months, and then apparently you'll be hair free.  I'll keep you all posted on my progress, and if any of you want to borrow it, I'm sure we can come to a mutually beneficial agreement!

Coming up on Monday - Rubenesque Brunette goes back to her roots with what will surely be some hilarious sex stories!  

Order Now! Supplies are limited!

I just received an e-mail from my crack legal team (or is that legal team on crack?) letting me know that I may now share my patented and copyrighted weight loss technique with all of you.  Consider yourselves truly blessed that I am so benevolent that I am willing to share these secrets with you (for a small fee, in the form of eternal adoration and comments to the blog)!

Let me share this plan with you in a few simple steps:

1. Start Dating and/or Marry a Dedicated Athlete.  Preferably one who is slightly picky and eats only meat, carbs and junk food.  When he's at his peak (I use 'he' because let's be honest, are there any men reading this? (Hi LD!) Let alone any men watching their weight? (oh, Hi LD again!)) he will eat anything that is too slow to get out of his way. This in and of itself can be an effective weight loss technique, provided you are able to suture the bite marks closed yourself.  Emergency room doctor's get curious after the 4th or 5th time you come in with missing flesh. 
   
   Come to think of it, he'll eat that way even when he's not riding (er.. or participating in whatever sport your athlete participates in).  You need to do this, because my weight loss plan is so effective, you need some added challenges to stop you from losing weight too quickly.  Having a ton of junk food in the house is the perfect way to do this.  
   
   
2. Purchase a House.  Not any house!  This house must be older (but not too old) and located within walking distance of an oil refinery and a field of radio towers.  Walking distance to a Turtle Jacks and variety of mexican/pizza/chinese places also helps.  Once again, this is to prevent you from wasting away completely as well as assist you with the next step.
   
   
3. Develop a migraine. This migraine has to be a permanent fixture in your life - not one of those pansy-ass 1 or 2 day jobs... not even one of those ones that puts you out of commission for a week.  This migraine has to last for AT LEAST a year.  
   
   Methods for developing this migraine include inhalation of various molds and/or hydrocarbons, exposure to a large field of radio waves,  extensive and noisy renovations on the house you just purchased, consumption of triggering foods, blunt force trauma to the head, or manipulating the weather to produce a metric ass-ton of rain.
   
   
4. Stop Eating.  Here's really the most important step.  Let this migraine fester until you are unbearably nauseous... about 10 months should do it.  Stop eating everything but the BRAT diet - Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast (easiest to digest foods).  
   
   Make sure that you dislike at least one of these foods (applesauce) and quickly get sick of two more of them (bananas and rice), leaving you with the ability to only eat one single food (bread).  A loaf of bread should last you about a week and a half. Yes, I realize that this is pretty fast when you're eating nothing but bread, but that's the beauty of this diet - you can eat as much bread as you can stomach (heh)!  No need to conserve your bread consumption. Can I say bread again in this paragraph? bread bread bread bread.  This is not a low-carb diet. bread.
   
   
   
5. Start Eating Again.  After about 8 weeks, move out of your house and wait for the migraine to disappear.  Huzzah! You are now able to eat 'real' food again.  At this point, your stomach will have atrophied to the point where you have the capacity to eat similar to that of a toddler or supermodel.  Spend a week feeling gross as you adjust to the fact that you can not finish a kids meal at most eating establishments.  Continue to eat these smaller portions on a permanent basis.

There you have it folks!  Nothing simpler! I personally have gone from 178lbs to 168lbs over the course of about 4 or 5 weeks, which is a little over 2lbs a week -  a little quicker than is recommended, but those quacks with their "MDs" don't really know anything anyways.  In the past 4 months, I have lost 20lbs in total.

Keep in mind that you may experience some depression and suicidal thoughts when you realize you are no longer able to eat your weight in chinese food, or that the few attempts you made to eat your favourite foods while you were nauseous means that you'll never be able to eat them again without a twinge of remembered queasiness.  This is actually an added bonus because it will stop you from eating your formerly favourite foods quite so often.

A while ago, I set up some rewards for meeting my goals... because rewards are fun! At 175lbs, I was going to buy some new slut shoes (these have not been purchased yet, but I can't wait for them! I will post photos once they have been purchased)... my next reward comes at 165lbs, and was supposed to be a spa visit. I'm not really feeling the spa thing right now though.  For reference, my goals (which I'm going to revise) are as follows:

175 lbs - Slut Shoes

165 lbs - Spa Day

155 lbs - Chocolatieres Course

145 lbs - Cello Lessons

Now, I've decided that instead of Cello Lessons, I'm going to get laser eye surgery done... I have no natural musical talent and lasik will be a much better investment (and less costly in the long run), and I'm thinking that for 165lbs I'll get the third tattoo that I've been wanting... though I had been planning on getting this anyways, so it really seems to me that this is more like just 'skipping' a reward. I do not like skipping rewards.

It also occurred to me that a chocolatieres course might be counter productive to my weight loss goals.

This leaves me with a reward schedule that looks like this:

175 lbs - Slut Shoes

165 lbs - ???

155 lbs - ????

145 lbs - Lasik

Any thoughts Dear Readers?  Should I reschedule the spa day? Come up with something else?  Should I use the tattoo I was getting anyways as my 165lbs reward?  Any thoughts?

*taps her microphone*

is this thing on?  Are you out there Dear Readers?

Everything's Coming Up Milhouse

I know that I said I'd talk in depth about my amazing weight loss program, but it's still patent pending and as such my lawyers have advised me to remain quiet for a few more days.  Instead I will entertain you with more random thoughts from the depths of my brain.

A New Me

I just about skipped back to my desk just now, Dear Readers.  It's amazing to notice the difference in how I feel, even sleep deprived, compared to how I was feeling before.  When I said yesterday that the Botox helped, but did not completely remove the pain... I didn't realize by how much.  

Sir has noticed as well.  Yesterday I got home before Him and greeted him with a smile and a kiss.  He actually remarked that this was the first time in months that he's seen me so awake and happy and 'alive' at this hour.  It was approximately 5:30 pm. I feel like an entirely new person.

My Weight

From a peak weight of around 188lbs (good god, did I really weight that much?!) I am now down to 168... and starting to see my hourglass figure return.  It's so nice to have a waist.  A bit of a pain that I'm going to have to start buying new clothing soon, but I think I can live with that.  Once my lawyers have given me the go ahead I will discuss my amazing patented weight loss plan.  For a small fee, you too can see the same results that I have!

Makeup

While Alastair was in full force, I stopped wearing makeup - it was valuable time in the morning that I could continue sleeping... I looked like crap and was wearing my sunglasses all of the time anyways... my complexion was really acting up and I wanted to give my face a break and I just plain didn't feel like fussing with it all.  

The exception to this was swiping some bright red lipstick on before visiting Sir... I'm sure he didn't notice my lackluster makeup skills were lacklustier - my skill with makeup is that bad that "fully compos mentis" and "drugged to the gills on multiple painkillers and other substances" produce startlingly similar results. 

Last night, for the first time in months, I did myself up.  Looking in the mirror, I got that sense of "looking at another person" again... it's like every habit I got in to with regards to makeup has been wiped away, and I'm starting fresh.  This morning I took the time to do myself up again.  I'm going to try and get back in to wearing it every day.  

The weird thing is, the first time I did this I *HATED* it with a passion... check my archives to see what I mean.  Today, I looked in the mirror after applying the last of it and thought "there, I look much prettier now"

On the one hand, I'm not sure I like this shift in my thinking, but on the other hand I notice it and revel in how my Master is shaping me and affecting me... a bit of a catch-22 there.

Live-In Slave

I have been living with LD for the last week and a half, and aside from the obvious benefits to my health, I have been enjoying my time as a live-in slave as well.  After reading my blog yesterday, we were discussing it last night and Sir told me that He takes back His comment about curing His desire to live with another - and also confessed that it has been a long time fantasy of his to have a 24/7 live in slave. 

I will admit that part of me will be sad to be moving back in with DH.  Part of me misses DH and can't wait to snuggle up to him again.  This makes for a very conflicted set of feelings.  To top things off, LDs daughter is visiting the weekend after next, so after living with Him for 2 weeks, I will not see Him for over a week afterwards.  I think that it's going to be an adjustment for both of us.  For one thing, He will have to start doing His own cooking and dishes.

Torture Garden

Are any of you planning on attending Torture Garden?  Sir is getting us tickets and says that he's got a big scene planned, so there should be some hot entertainment ;) We'd love to go as a group - it's always more fun with more people (good advice for both events and sex) so let me know if you're planning on attending!

A New Resolution

So I realize that I'm late for every "new year" I could possibly imagine, including fiscal years and weird religious calendars...  but I've decided to make a resolution anyways.  It's never too late to turn over a new leaf!

I'm going to post to this blog every day, even if it kills me.

That said, Let's make up for my hiatus with all sorts of news that most of you probably already know!

Meet Alastair Jeurgen Horace Ross

As most of you know, a year ago (on our wedding anniversary actually) DH and I moved in to our first house.  Proud homeowners and all that sentimental stuff.  Approximately 3 weeks after moving in, I developed a migraine.  The migraine from hell.  The most persistent migraine I've ever experienced. I was on an ever changing cocktail of narcotics in an effort to control the pain and in the meantime, we also started renovations.  Have you ever had a gas line installed (which requires drilling all the way to the outside of the house) while you're in so much pain you're nauseous?  I highly recommend it to the masochists out there.

Try some Neurotoxin!

I digress.  This migraine did not go away... I was missing work, vanished from my social circle, and generally was in no shape to do much of anything but sleep.  Finally in... September? (yes, that's right, 4 months of migraine later) my doctor suggested I try Botox... the newest and greatest treatment for migraines, but also sort of a 'last resort' treatment.  I met my new neurologist, he poked my scalp/neck/face 42 times with a neurotoxin and about a week later... the pain faded.  It didn't go away entirely, but it was enough to get me back to acting more human.  Sadly, I metabolize drugs much quicker than most people, so the treatment that was supposed to work for 3 months, only worked for 2.  Back to the neuro I go...  did I mention that Botox is very expensive?  no?  Did I mention that because it's an "off label" use, it's not covered by insurance?  no?  Did I mention that I was missing a lot of work at the time? This was a somewhat stressful period of time.  

Because of the way that the Botox works, you have to wait for it to wear off before you can get another dose.  The only way you know that it's worn off (if it's working), is because the migraine returns.  Either way, the soonest between treatments you can do is about 2 months.  Once it's worn off, you need to try and get an appointment with your very busy neurologist.  This means that every 2 months or so, I'd have between 1 and 2 weeks of migraine before I could get treatment... and then another week for the treatment to kick in...  you know, looking back at this I'm not sure that the "2 months of relief, 1 month of pain" schedule was really worth the money I was shelling out for the treatment.

Three treatments later we get to March.  I go in and mention that it's a bit of a pain (heh) to be coming in every 2 months when the treatment should last for 3.  Doc suggests I try a double dose (at double the cost, naturally) and I mention that I'll think about it for next time.  I wait patiently for the Botox to kick in.  It doesn't.  I start getting violently nauseous and go on the BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast... the easiest to digest foods)... I basically stop eating except for the odd bit of plain rice or bread... tried bananas for a while but soon couldn't stomach them.  Can't stand applesauce.  

Back to my GP, who prescribes me more narcotics to manage the pain.  I make an appointment to get the double Botox done and wait out the time until I can go in for the injections.  I spent most of March and April high on percocet and weed. I decide to name the migraine considering it's been living with me for almost a year.  Alastair Jeurgen Horace Ross sounds like the right holy terror he is, right?

The Attack of the HOIR

Then DH suggests that I move in with Sir for a couple of weeks... just to see if perhaps it's the house that's making me sick.  It had briefly crossed my mind before - the timing was certainly suspect, but I figured that with all of the renovations we were doing that anything that could make me sick would have been discovered.  Despite that, I moved in with Sir 11 days ago.  6 days ago I began to be able to eat regular food.  5 days ago my head started to feel better.  At the present time I have a mild headache and am learning to live with the fact that after a month with almost no food, I'm not able to eat very much before feeling full.  

Sir and I have had a few growing pains adjusting to living with each other, but have worked things out and are getting along splendidly now.  I think that Sir will miss me when I move back with DH, despite a few days in to our adventure telling me that I had cured him of the idea that he'd ever want to live with another woman again.  

So to sum things up: Yup, it's quite possible that my beloved house is making me sick.  I will be staying with Sir the rest of this week to fully recover (and give me a bit of a break) and will then move back home to see if the migraine returns.  If it does, I will be moving back in with Sir while we figure out what to do with the house.  First step will be a comprehensive air quality test to see if there's anything that's easily fixable.  Then we decide how much money we're willing to sink in to the house to make it livable for me, or if we abandon ship and move.  Neither option is easy or appealing.

hmm.. this post hasn't exactly been funny or uplifting, has it?

Stay tuned for tomorrow... I'll talk about my patented no-fail diet plan!