Everything's Coming Up Milhouse

I know that I said I'd talk in depth about my amazing weight loss program, but it's still patent pending and as such my lawyers have advised me to remain quiet for a few more days.  Instead I will entertain you with more random thoughts from the depths of my brain.

A New Me

I just about skipped back to my desk just now, Dear Readers.  It's amazing to notice the difference in how I feel, even sleep deprived, compared to how I was feeling before.  When I said yesterday that the Botox helped, but did not completely remove the pain... I didn't realize by how much.  

Sir has noticed as well.  Yesterday I got home before Him and greeted him with a smile and a kiss.  He actually remarked that this was the first time in months that he's seen me so awake and happy and 'alive' at this hour.  It was approximately 5:30 pm. I feel like an entirely new person.

My Weight

From a peak weight of around 188lbs (good god, did I really weight that much?!) I am now down to 168... and starting to see my hourglass figure return.  It's so nice to have a waist.  A bit of a pain that I'm going to have to start buying new clothing soon, but I think I can live with that.  Once my lawyers have given me the go ahead I will discuss my amazing patented weight loss plan.  For a small fee, you too can see the same results that I have!

Makeup

While Alastair was in full force, I stopped wearing makeup - it was valuable time in the morning that I could continue sleeping... I looked like crap and was wearing my sunglasses all of the time anyways... my complexion was really acting up and I wanted to give my face a break and I just plain didn't feel like fussing with it all.  

The exception to this was swiping some bright red lipstick on before visiting Sir... I'm sure he didn't notice my lackluster makeup skills were lacklustier - my skill with makeup is that bad that "fully compos mentis" and "drugged to the gills on multiple painkillers and other substances" produce startlingly similar results. 

Last night, for the first time in months, I did myself up.  Looking in the mirror, I got that sense of "looking at another person" again... it's like every habit I got in to with regards to makeup has been wiped away, and I'm starting fresh.  This morning I took the time to do myself up again.  I'm going to try and get back in to wearing it every day.  

The weird thing is, the first time I did this I *HATED* it with a passion... check my archives to see what I mean.  Today, I looked in the mirror after applying the last of it and thought "there, I look much prettier now"

On the one hand, I'm not sure I like this shift in my thinking, but on the other hand I notice it and revel in how my Master is shaping me and affecting me... a bit of a catch-22 there.

Live-In Slave

I have been living with LD for the last week and a half, and aside from the obvious benefits to my health, I have been enjoying my time as a live-in slave as well.  After reading my blog yesterday, we were discussing it last night and Sir told me that He takes back His comment about curing His desire to live with another - and also confessed that it has been a long time fantasy of his to have a 24/7 live in slave. 

I will admit that part of me will be sad to be moving back in with DH.  Part of me misses DH and can't wait to snuggle up to him again.  This makes for a very conflicted set of feelings.  To top things off, LDs daughter is visiting the weekend after next, so after living with Him for 2 weeks, I will not see Him for over a week afterwards.  I think that it's going to be an adjustment for both of us.  For one thing, He will have to start doing His own cooking and dishes.

Torture Garden

Are any of you planning on attending Torture Garden?  Sir is getting us tickets and says that he's got a big scene planned, so there should be some hot entertainment ;) We'd love to go as a group - it's always more fun with more people (good advice for both events and sex) so let me know if you're planning on attending!

A New Resolution

So I realize that I'm late for every "new year" I could possibly imagine, including fiscal years and weird religious calendars...  but I've decided to make a resolution anyways.  It's never too late to turn over a new leaf!

I'm going to post to this blog every day, even if it kills me.

That said, Let's make up for my hiatus with all sorts of news that most of you probably already know!

Meet Alastair Jeurgen Horace Ross

As most of you know, a year ago (on our wedding anniversary actually) DH and I moved in to our first house.  Proud homeowners and all that sentimental stuff.  Approximately 3 weeks after moving in, I developed a migraine.  The migraine from hell.  The most persistent migraine I've ever experienced. I was on an ever changing cocktail of narcotics in an effort to control the pain and in the meantime, we also started renovations.  Have you ever had a gas line installed (which requires drilling all the way to the outside of the house) while you're in so much pain you're nauseous?  I highly recommend it to the masochists out there.

Try some Neurotoxin!

I digress.  This migraine did not go away... I was missing work, vanished from my social circle, and generally was in no shape to do much of anything but sleep.  Finally in... September? (yes, that's right, 4 months of migraine later) my doctor suggested I try Botox... the newest and greatest treatment for migraines, but also sort of a 'last resort' treatment.  I met my new neurologist, he poked my scalp/neck/face 42 times with a neurotoxin and about a week later... the pain faded.  It didn't go away entirely, but it was enough to get me back to acting more human.  Sadly, I metabolize drugs much quicker than most people, so the treatment that was supposed to work for 3 months, only worked for 2.  Back to the neuro I go...  did I mention that Botox is very expensive?  no?  Did I mention that because it's an "off label" use, it's not covered by insurance?  no?  Did I mention that I was missing a lot of work at the time? This was a somewhat stressful period of time.  

Because of the way that the Botox works, you have to wait for it to wear off before you can get another dose.  The only way you know that it's worn off (if it's working), is because the migraine returns.  Either way, the soonest between treatments you can do is about 2 months.  Once it's worn off, you need to try and get an appointment with your very busy neurologist.  This means that every 2 months or so, I'd have between 1 and 2 weeks of migraine before I could get treatment... and then another week for the treatment to kick in...  you know, looking back at this I'm not sure that the "2 months of relief, 1 month of pain" schedule was really worth the money I was shelling out for the treatment.

Three treatments later we get to March.  I go in and mention that it's a bit of a pain (heh) to be coming in every 2 months when the treatment should last for 3.  Doc suggests I try a double dose (at double the cost, naturally) and I mention that I'll think about it for next time.  I wait patiently for the Botox to kick in.  It doesn't.  I start getting violently nauseous and go on the BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast... the easiest to digest foods)... I basically stop eating except for the odd bit of plain rice or bread... tried bananas for a while but soon couldn't stomach them.  Can't stand applesauce.  

Back to my GP, who prescribes me more narcotics to manage the pain.  I make an appointment to get the double Botox done and wait out the time until I can go in for the injections.  I spent most of March and April high on percocet and weed. I decide to name the migraine considering it's been living with me for almost a year.  Alastair Jeurgen Horace Ross sounds like the right holy terror he is, right?

The Attack of the HOIR

Then DH suggests that I move in with Sir for a couple of weeks... just to see if perhaps it's the house that's making me sick.  It had briefly crossed my mind before - the timing was certainly suspect, but I figured that with all of the renovations we were doing that anything that could make me sick would have been discovered.  Despite that, I moved in with Sir 11 days ago.  6 days ago I began to be able to eat regular food.  5 days ago my head started to feel better.  At the present time I have a mild headache and am learning to live with the fact that after a month with almost no food, I'm not able to eat very much before feeling full.  

Sir and I have had a few growing pains adjusting to living with each other, but have worked things out and are getting along splendidly now.  I think that Sir will miss me when I move back with DH, despite a few days in to our adventure telling me that I had cured him of the idea that he'd ever want to live with another woman again.  

So to sum things up: Yup, it's quite possible that my beloved house is making me sick.  I will be staying with Sir the rest of this week to fully recover (and give me a bit of a break) and will then move back home to see if the migraine returns.  If it does, I will be moving back in with Sir while we figure out what to do with the house.  First step will be a comprehensive air quality test to see if there's anything that's easily fixable.  Then we decide how much money we're willing to sink in to the house to make it livable for me, or if we abandon ship and move.  Neither option is easy or appealing.

hmm.. this post hasn't exactly been funny or uplifting, has it?

Stay tuned for tomorrow... I'll talk about my patented no-fail diet plan!

A purge...

I have a confession to make Dear Readers...  I've faked orgasms.

The women amongst you all are rolling your eyes and saying "yeah, so what? we all have" ...  here's the thing though...

I faked them with Him.

It started innocently enough...  we all do it to spare the feelings of the guy we're with... or we're done and just want things to end... or want to give them an ego boost... or about 700 other reasons...  I don't remember why I did it the first time, but I did it without a second thought.  Over these past few months, it just became a habit.  It is *so* difficult for me to cum sometimes, and my desire to please Him overrode any guilt that I felt.  Sometimes I would fake them so that I could cum 'on command' ... sometimes I'd fake them because it would help trigger an actual orgasm... sometimes I wasn't sure if I was faking them or not - it felt good, but it wasn't a full orgasm... that's close enough though, right?

then I took His collar, and started thinking about ownership, and the level of commitment and transparency and honesty that we will require to achieve our goals... and the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks.  Ever the chicken, while He was in New York this past week I confessed to my misdeed along with a long list of other more 'fun' confessions.

Fast forward to Friday night... I'm feeling like crap and despite my efforts to dress pretty and actually put on makeup, I am transparent (as always) to Him and He can tell that I just want to curl up and go back to sleep.  After our enthusiastic 'hello's, He has me stand against the wall and lifts my skirt.  A few blows rain down on my ass, along with the admonishment that I was to never fake another orgasm again. Agreeing wholeheartedly, our evening continued without further comment and in the back of my mind all I could think of was "that was it? I got off easy, this isn't right".

The rest of the weekend was a drug and migraine induced haze.  I literally slept the entire weekend away, being almost completely useless to Him.  Sunday afternoon, after 48 hours of sleep, I was feeling slightly more human... human enough to actually feel aroused.  Upon communicating this news to Him, He made it very clear that was going to have to wait... and that in fact I was not allowed to orgasm until the next time I was in his arms... that I had to learn to appreciate my orgasms.  Flipping me face down on to the bed, He went and got the Big Cane.  

It is now almost 24 hours later and my ass hurts as much as it did when He finished.  It hurts to stand, it hurts to walk, it hurts to sit...  it hurts so much it actually woke me up at 5:30 this morning and it hurts even to lie on my stomach.  

So far, there isn't a single bruise.

I bawled my eyes out - not from the pain... He's beaten me harder... but from the shame, and the guilt and the regret and remorse.  I cried because I lied to Him each and every time that I opened my mouth and screamed when I shouldn't have.  I cried because He couldn't tell when I was faking it.  I cried because I had disappointed Him and deceived Him.  I cried because I felt like a bad slave.  Clinging to Him afterwards,  He told me that I was forgiven.  He held me while I regained my equilibrium, and then we went to shower.  He seemed so cold and distant in the shower - I could tell that He was still thinking of my transgressions... I assume He was still upset.  After I had cleaned Him, He left me alone in the shower to take care of myself and I cried some more.

Composing myself, I finished showering and got ready to leave.  He repeated to me that He had forgiven me, and that He owned me... and that owning me is absolute - He doesn't just own the good parts.  He owns my mistakes.  He owns the responsibility to fix those mistakes.  He owns the bad parts of me as well as the good.  

Pretty words.

As I've mentioned previously, I do not take failure well.  I have spent the last 24 hours going over and over why I did this.. why I CONTINUED to do this...  how I could hurt my Master with such a deceit, and how he could forgive me...

As you can all tell, Dear Readers, I have not forgiven myself yet.  We all know how well I deal with failure, and now that the severity of the situation has set in I'm baffled as to how I went so long faking orgasms without it being painfully obvious from the guilt I was feeling.  I have no clue how to go about getting over this and moving on.  Every time I start to feel the slightest bit aroused, I remember my fuck up and I dry up like the Sahara... I'll have no problems waiting to orgasm, and even once I'm allowed to again, I'm not sure I'll be able to!

Master said that He's proud of me for confessing and owning up to my misdeeds... but I can't help but feel like I've started this collaring off on the wrong foot. I don't know what to say or think or do to help me forgive myself.  I think that part of me doesn't really believe that I'm forgiven.  Part of me is still berating myself for being so stupid.  Part of me is still crying for having hurt Him.

I'm sorry Master.  I know that I've said it a million times, but I thought that purging it all out on to the blog... making my shame and apology public... might help me sort through my feelings and come to acceptance.

it hasn't.

A Dialog with DH...

While tucking me in to bed the other night, DH out of the blue tell me "You're precious"

I look at him quizzically "Precious?" I repeat.

"Yes, precious!"

Disbelieving, I ask him "like.. short bus precious?"

Those of you who know DH, know that he's not the sort to toss around sweet pet names..

"No, no.. precious, like a pearl or an emerald"

I look at him again, silently asking for the punch line...

"You're pretty and useless!"

well! I nearly bust a gut laughing, I had tears streaming down my face... I swear, that man always knows how to put a smile on my face when I need it most...

try it on your loved one today, see if you get the same reaction :D

An Announcement...

On April 3rd, 2010, I accepted LDs collar and have become His slave.  We are, as always, a work in progress and to me this collar symbolizes not just a commitment to future development together, but a tangible sign of how deep our relationship has developed.  

Yes, I realize that this is rather quick (4 months Ladies and Gentlemen), but my previously angst filled posts helped me to organize my thoughts and feelings, and the moment I looked in to His eyes and felt Him enter me and claim me after his trip...  it just felt right.  To be honest, the collaring was not planned.  I had decided to tell Him that weekend that I would like to accept His collar in August, when we are able to be fluid bonded... but i just couldn't wait, which is funny because normally I'm a very patient girl... 

so there we have it, Dear Readers!  This blog will no doubt take another turn in content, as I chronicle His attempts at training me, and the challenges that we run in to with that...

Spending too much time in my own head...

Have you missed me Dear Readers?  I've been quiet lately, haven't I?

Almost makes you wish fondly for the angst filled days of bad one night stands, eh?  Too bad sex with LD is so good, otherwise I'd have more stories for you ;)  maybe I'll try to be more diligent in posting some of our hotter scenes...

Lately I've been thinking a lot of commitment, and collars, and emotions.  In the past couple of weeks the 'L' word has shown its head and thrown me in to an existential whirlwind.   How do you know that it's love? Can one develop love that quickly? LD and I have been dating for 4 months... mind you we've spent quite a bit of time together (most of the weekends, plus one evening a week) and we chat almost every day... I don't remember how long DH and I were dating before we said we loved one another...  it was within the first year... and the weather was still warm so I'm guessing within the first 6 months, but I don't remember exactly... I certainly have been missing Him the same way I miss DH when he's gone... 

But at the same time, I still put in that effort to appear 'perfect' when I spend time with Him... I don't bring my nightguard when I spend the night... I despair about my complexion and how hairy I am and whether my hair looks good...  is that how you define love? When you no longer try to hide the 'unsexy' parts of you?  Laying yourself bare for them to see and saying "I am as far from perfect as a person can get.  Love me, not the illusion I wear every day"

This brings me to the question of commitment... collars and fluid bonding and all that... How well do I feel I have to know Him to take that plunge?  I'm sure that there are deep dark secrets that I don't know (and likewise I'm sure there's stuff He doesn't know about me).  Despite our rocky start, I'd say that there's a lot of trust that's developed... I have His keys while He's gone, I've been helping Him with His personal filing and have access to all sorts of personal information (not that I've looked).  But how much better do I have to know Him?  I suppose it depends on our definition of 'collaring' ...  Complete and total ownership... 24/7 (or as close as it can get)  utter, absolute ownership to me is akin to marriage... it's a very serious commitment which I know that I am not ready for.  It took 5 years for DH and I to get married! (though we knew were were going to get married long before that... it was at LEAST a year though, maybe 2)... a lesser level of collaring/ownership? I might be prepared to make that vow... I suppose this requires some in depth discussion between LD and I as to what we both are looking for and what we expect.  As for fluid bonding, due to some medical issues that's off the table until August... that is *definitely* something I'm looking forward to.  

I don't know that this rambling has really helped me sort out my thoughts or come to any great conclusions...  I do know that the thought of not having LD in my life is painful though, so maybe that's indication enough?

Gifts

I am crap at giving gifts.  

Let me clarify...  it's the "occasion" gifts that frustrate me.  Run of the mill Birthday/Christmas/etc gifts for those I care about make me want to curl into a ball and suck my thumb until the whole thing passes me by.

See the thing is... I give gifts alllll of the time.  I'm one of those people who will buy a new pen for their stationary-supply-crazed coworker because I saw it and thought she'd like it.  I pack a bag full of low-carb-healthy-airplane-friendly-tasty snacks for LD's 60 hours of travel time for His flight to Bali, because i know He dislikes airplane food.  I buy treats for DH every time I go grocery shopping, or make his favourite foods even though they're not to my liking... I bring cookies to work on Mondays. I like to show people that I love and appreciate them *every* day... not just on days society says are special. (wow, this makes me sound like some sort of Suzy Sunshine)  

I also feel that "major gifts" should be occasions on their own.  You don't propose to someone for their birthday... a proposal should be its own special event.  Going to collar me? Fluid bond? These aren't 'gifts' that should piggy back on to a holiday... that's just cheating and it overshadows the occasion that you're supposed to be celebrating.

So that leaves me stumped when it comes to 'occasion' gifts...  DH and I don't exchange gifts, so that makes things easy, but LDs birthday is coming up in the beginning of April... and I have no. clue. what. to. do.

How do I think of something that is *more* meaningful than my every day displays of affection and appreciation, but not so meaningful that it overshadows the occasion that we're celebrating?  I shun most material gifts... I mean... it just seems so trivial to give a CD box set or new clothing or anything like that.  He can get all of that stuff himself... I want to give him something special, meaningful, that can only come from me...

This makes me sound like a hippy, but I'm not materialistic.. I'm all about the experiences man, not the stuff.

Sometimes I wish I weren't such a slut... if I'd been holding back sexual practices or kinks, I'd have something to give, ya?  How can I give more of *me* when I already give all that I'm able to?  If I were to give any more, I'd be entering that "overshadowing the occasion" territory.

I'm stumped Dear Readers... I need ideas.. your thoughts on gifts..  what do YOU do for your loved ones (if you still exchange gifts)?  What can I do for LD? (Sir, please do not read any comments so as not to spoil any surprises)