A purge...

I have a confession to make Dear Readers...  I've faked orgasms.

The women amongst you all are rolling your eyes and saying "yeah, so what? we all have" ...  here's the thing though...

I faked them with Him.

It started innocently enough...  we all do it to spare the feelings of the guy we're with... or we're done and just want things to end... or want to give them an ego boost... or about 700 other reasons...  I don't remember why I did it the first time, but I did it without a second thought.  Over these past few months, it just became a habit.  It is *so* difficult for me to cum sometimes, and my desire to please Him overrode any guilt that I felt.  Sometimes I would fake them so that I could cum 'on command' ... sometimes I'd fake them because it would help trigger an actual orgasm... sometimes I wasn't sure if I was faking them or not - it felt good, but it wasn't a full orgasm... that's close enough though, right?

then I took His collar, and started thinking about ownership, and the level of commitment and transparency and honesty that we will require to achieve our goals... and the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks.  Ever the chicken, while He was in New York this past week I confessed to my misdeed along with a long list of other more 'fun' confessions.

Fast forward to Friday night... I'm feeling like crap and despite my efforts to dress pretty and actually put on makeup, I am transparent (as always) to Him and He can tell that I just want to curl up and go back to sleep.  After our enthusiastic 'hello's, He has me stand against the wall and lifts my skirt.  A few blows rain down on my ass, along with the admonishment that I was to never fake another orgasm again. Agreeing wholeheartedly, our evening continued without further comment and in the back of my mind all I could think of was "that was it? I got off easy, this isn't right".

The rest of the weekend was a drug and migraine induced haze.  I literally slept the entire weekend away, being almost completely useless to Him.  Sunday afternoon, after 48 hours of sleep, I was feeling slightly more human... human enough to actually feel aroused.  Upon communicating this news to Him, He made it very clear that was going to have to wait... and that in fact I was not allowed to orgasm until the next time I was in his arms... that I had to learn to appreciate my orgasms.  Flipping me face down on to the bed, He went and got the Big Cane.  

It is now almost 24 hours later and my ass hurts as much as it did when He finished.  It hurts to stand, it hurts to walk, it hurts to sit...  it hurts so much it actually woke me up at 5:30 this morning and it hurts even to lie on my stomach.  

So far, there isn't a single bruise.

I bawled my eyes out - not from the pain... He's beaten me harder... but from the shame, and the guilt and the regret and remorse.  I cried because I lied to Him each and every time that I opened my mouth and screamed when I shouldn't have.  I cried because He couldn't tell when I was faking it.  I cried because I had disappointed Him and deceived Him.  I cried because I felt like a bad slave.  Clinging to Him afterwards,  He told me that I was forgiven.  He held me while I regained my equilibrium, and then we went to shower.  He seemed so cold and distant in the shower - I could tell that He was still thinking of my transgressions... I assume He was still upset.  After I had cleaned Him, He left me alone in the shower to take care of myself and I cried some more.

Composing myself, I finished showering and got ready to leave.  He repeated to me that He had forgiven me, and that He owned me... and that owning me is absolute - He doesn't just own the good parts.  He owns my mistakes.  He owns the responsibility to fix those mistakes.  He owns the bad parts of me as well as the good.  

Pretty words.

As I've mentioned previously, I do not take failure well.  I have spent the last 24 hours going over and over why I did this.. why I CONTINUED to do this...  how I could hurt my Master with such a deceit, and how he could forgive me...

As you can all tell, Dear Readers, I have not forgiven myself yet.  We all know how well I deal with failure, and now that the severity of the situation has set in I'm baffled as to how I went so long faking orgasms without it being painfully obvious from the guilt I was feeling.  I have no clue how to go about getting over this and moving on.  Every time I start to feel the slightest bit aroused, I remember my fuck up and I dry up like the Sahara... I'll have no problems waiting to orgasm, and even once I'm allowed to again, I'm not sure I'll be able to!

Master said that He's proud of me for confessing and owning up to my misdeeds... but I can't help but feel like I've started this collaring off on the wrong foot. I don't know what to say or think or do to help me forgive myself.  I think that part of me doesn't really believe that I'm forgiven.  Part of me is still berating myself for being so stupid.  Part of me is still crying for having hurt Him.

I'm sorry Master.  I know that I've said it a million times, but I thought that purging it all out on to the blog... making my shame and apology public... might help me sort through my feelings and come to acceptance.

it hasn't.

A Dialog with DH...

While tucking me in to bed the other night, DH out of the blue tell me "You're precious"

I look at him quizzically "Precious?" I repeat.

"Yes, precious!"

Disbelieving, I ask him "like.. short bus precious?"

Those of you who know DH, know that he's not the sort to toss around sweet pet names..

"No, no.. precious, like a pearl or an emerald"

I look at him again, silently asking for the punch line...

"You're pretty and useless!"

well! I nearly bust a gut laughing, I had tears streaming down my face... I swear, that man always knows how to put a smile on my face when I need it most...

try it on your loved one today, see if you get the same reaction :D

An Announcement...

On April 3rd, 2010, I accepted LDs collar and have become His slave.  We are, as always, a work in progress and to me this collar symbolizes not just a commitment to future development together, but a tangible sign of how deep our relationship has developed.  

Yes, I realize that this is rather quick (4 months Ladies and Gentlemen), but my previously angst filled posts helped me to organize my thoughts and feelings, and the moment I looked in to His eyes and felt Him enter me and claim me after his trip...  it just felt right.  To be honest, the collaring was not planned.  I had decided to tell Him that weekend that I would like to accept His collar in August, when we are able to be fluid bonded... but i just couldn't wait, which is funny because normally I'm a very patient girl... 

so there we have it, Dear Readers!  This blog will no doubt take another turn in content, as I chronicle His attempts at training me, and the challenges that we run in to with that...

Spending too much time in my own head...

Have you missed me Dear Readers?  I've been quiet lately, haven't I?

Almost makes you wish fondly for the angst filled days of bad one night stands, eh?  Too bad sex with LD is so good, otherwise I'd have more stories for you ;)  maybe I'll try to be more diligent in posting some of our hotter scenes...

Lately I've been thinking a lot of commitment, and collars, and emotions.  In the past couple of weeks the 'L' word has shown its head and thrown me in to an existential whirlwind.   How do you know that it's love? Can one develop love that quickly? LD and I have been dating for 4 months... mind you we've spent quite a bit of time together (most of the weekends, plus one evening a week) and we chat almost every day... I don't remember how long DH and I were dating before we said we loved one another...  it was within the first year... and the weather was still warm so I'm guessing within the first 6 months, but I don't remember exactly... I certainly have been missing Him the same way I miss DH when he's gone... 

But at the same time, I still put in that effort to appear 'perfect' when I spend time with Him... I don't bring my nightguard when I spend the night... I despair about my complexion and how hairy I am and whether my hair looks good...  is that how you define love? When you no longer try to hide the 'unsexy' parts of you?  Laying yourself bare for them to see and saying "I am as far from perfect as a person can get.  Love me, not the illusion I wear every day"

This brings me to the question of commitment... collars and fluid bonding and all that... How well do I feel I have to know Him to take that plunge?  I'm sure that there are deep dark secrets that I don't know (and likewise I'm sure there's stuff He doesn't know about me).  Despite our rocky start, I'd say that there's a lot of trust that's developed... I have His keys while He's gone, I've been helping Him with His personal filing and have access to all sorts of personal information (not that I've looked).  But how much better do I have to know Him?  I suppose it depends on our definition of 'collaring' ...  Complete and total ownership... 24/7 (or as close as it can get)  utter, absolute ownership to me is akin to marriage... it's a very serious commitment which I know that I am not ready for.  It took 5 years for DH and I to get married! (though we knew were were going to get married long before that... it was at LEAST a year though, maybe 2)... a lesser level of collaring/ownership? I might be prepared to make that vow... I suppose this requires some in depth discussion between LD and I as to what we both are looking for and what we expect.  As for fluid bonding, due to some medical issues that's off the table until August... that is *definitely* something I'm looking forward to.  

I don't know that this rambling has really helped me sort out my thoughts or come to any great conclusions...  I do know that the thought of not having LD in my life is painful though, so maybe that's indication enough?

Gifts

I am crap at giving gifts.  

Let me clarify...  it's the "occasion" gifts that frustrate me.  Run of the mill Birthday/Christmas/etc gifts for those I care about make me want to curl into a ball and suck my thumb until the whole thing passes me by.

See the thing is... I give gifts alllll of the time.  I'm one of those people who will buy a new pen for their stationary-supply-crazed coworker because I saw it and thought she'd like it.  I pack a bag full of low-carb-healthy-airplane-friendly-tasty snacks for LD's 60 hours of travel time for His flight to Bali, because i know He dislikes airplane food.  I buy treats for DH every time I go grocery shopping, or make his favourite foods even though they're not to my liking... I bring cookies to work on Mondays. I like to show people that I love and appreciate them *every* day... not just on days society says are special. (wow, this makes me sound like some sort of Suzy Sunshine)  

I also feel that "major gifts" should be occasions on their own.  You don't propose to someone for their birthday... a proposal should be its own special event.  Going to collar me? Fluid bond? These aren't 'gifts' that should piggy back on to a holiday... that's just cheating and it overshadows the occasion that you're supposed to be celebrating.

So that leaves me stumped when it comes to 'occasion' gifts...  DH and I don't exchange gifts, so that makes things easy, but LDs birthday is coming up in the beginning of April... and I have no. clue. what. to. do.

How do I think of something that is *more* meaningful than my every day displays of affection and appreciation, but not so meaningful that it overshadows the occasion that we're celebrating?  I shun most material gifts... I mean... it just seems so trivial to give a CD box set or new clothing or anything like that.  He can get all of that stuff himself... I want to give him something special, meaningful, that can only come from me...

This makes me sound like a hippy, but I'm not materialistic.. I'm all about the experiences man, not the stuff.

Sometimes I wish I weren't such a slut... if I'd been holding back sexual practices or kinks, I'd have something to give, ya?  How can I give more of *me* when I already give all that I'm able to?  If I were to give any more, I'd be entering that "overshadowing the occasion" territory.

I'm stumped Dear Readers... I need ideas.. your thoughts on gifts..  what do YOU do for your loved ones (if you still exchange gifts)?  What can I do for LD? (Sir, please do not read any comments so as not to spoil any surprises)

While the cat's away...

so LD is in Bali until April 1st... I woke up at 4:30 on Saturday to get him to the airport as comfortably as is possible at 6am on a Saturday.  Woke up at 4:45am on Sunday when he texted me from Seoul to confirm the 2nd leg of his flight had gone smoothly.  Woke up this morning at 7:30, rolled out of bed, got ready for work, arrived at work and realized...

I didn't put on any makeup.  It never even occurred to me.  I had thought that after all of this time (3 months? 4 months? wow, that long already?) I had gotten in to the habit of wearing makeup every day.  I certainly put some on yesterday for my birthday party...  But this morning, barely 48 hours after LD had left Toronto, I had reverted back to my original 'au natural' look.  

Looking in the mirror at work though... I feel ugly... I feel the urge to dive in to my emergency supply of 'touch up' makeup in my purse.  I still feel like I'm wearing a mask though when I put on a full face of cosmetics.  How can I live in this aesthetic purgatory? I feel ugly without makeup, but I feel like an impostor while wearing it? Where does that leave me?  A girl should not have an existential identity crisis over a pile of prettily coloured chemicals.  

I'm going to take the next 2 weeks off from 'putting on my face' and try to look at it as a cosmetic vacation.  This will probably be just enough time for me to get used to myself without makeup again and make it all the more difficult to go back to wearing it when LD returns.  I'll cross that bridge when I arrive at it.

In the meantime, maybe I'll go get a facial and pray that my complexion will settle down while he's gone.

One person's good time is another person's worst nightmare...

As I lay on his couch, my legs braced over the arm in order to fuck myself vigorously on the big black dildo in my ass, my fingers and vibrator teasing myself as I race to completion, His cock deep down my throat as I moan and scream around it, I found myself thinking "yaknow, I'd love to do some humiliation play... I should suggest it to Sir" ... and then my mind wandered, as it tends to do... and it fell on to our discussion about His previous vanilla girlfriend... and how she would probably NOT consider our tame Sunday afternoon to be all that tame... and probably more than a little humiliating...

her loss.