Because I have a horrible memory, I won't get in to the gory details of the past 2 weeks, but will try to sum things up...
Saw LD Alone
We had a fantastic time, play involved more sexual aspects to it, I went home a pile of quivering goo
Went to a Fet Event
LD and I went to a local event where I apparently spent quite a bit of time up on a piece of equipment. I unexpectedly went in to a very deep endorphin high which left me non-verbal and LD quite concerned. I suppose we learn new things about ourselves every day - I can't remember the last time, if ever, that I went so deeply under. I suspect that he could have done permanent damage to me and I would have barely blinked. Reinforced my knowledge though that my glutes are NOT an erogenous zone... beat my back and I can practically cum for you, beat my ass... well previous to this I'd just cry and scream... first time I've gotten a good endorphin high off of my glutes. LD wasn't feeling so great so we left a little early.
Went to another Fet Event
Went to this event with a friend, was not impressed with the space, came home. Nothing special
Had another 'date' with LD
We spent some time chatting first, which I think is an excellent idea. As much as I love aftercare, my head is not all together enough to have intelligent conversation. Very much enjoyed that we kept things D/s-ish while chatting and would like to try some D/s platonic time sometime... me at his feet while we watch a movie or just chat about non-scene stuff or whatever.. We briefly discussed the next 'milestone' in our dynamic and I'm torn.
I very much want to move things forward with him, but I still hold some reservations... sadly I don't think that they're anything that can be resolved by anything other than time. If I am to give myself 24/7... I think that I need to know someone the way that I know people I've known for years. Did that make sense DR? It's not just about knowing whether or not he strangles kittens (and while I haven't checked in his freezer yet, I'm pretty certain he doesn't), or the day to day minutiae of his life... it's the more esoteric knowledge of a person.
There are other obstacles to this as well - LD will be meeting DH (Dear Husband) for the first time this weekend (for those of you who have standing invites on Sundays, this is the one to come to!) and the longevity of any secondary relationship of mine DOES depend to a certain degree on how they get along. There are also issues and decisions that must be made with the approval of all 3 of us (fluid bonding for example).
The last barrier to me giving myself over 24/7 is me. Simply put, I'm slightly terrified of the prospect. (Note, I say terrified, not unwilling) ... It has been years since I've been in any sort of submissive relationship, more so since I've done anything 24/7, and never have I done anything to this level of protocol. Kink is supposed to be an escape for me.. submission is a way for me to give up control, forget my stress and just give myself over. Is moving to a 24/7 level of commitment going to add stress? Will I be able to remember all of his rules? Will I be any good at it?!
Perhaps this is just a moment of doubt... but it's been following me since I saw LD on Wednesday, popping in to my head an random moments. Something to work on while we overcome the other obstacles to moving forward.
Never a dull moment with me...
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