I'm just waiting for you to make a decision
I know what you need. Perhaps we are closing in on the moment.
How do you decide to commit to a level beyond what you've done before? Have I really known him long enough? Can I give this man a larger degree of control over me than even my husband has?
24/7
We discussed 24/7 and ownership and all of those definitions the other day, and agreed that we can never be 100% 24/7, simply because I DO have a husband. How does this work? Am I "24/7" at all times except when interacting with my husband? What stops me from using my husband as an excuse when I'm asked to do something particularly onerous or that I don't really wish to do? I say now that I would never do that... and touched on this briefly before... but you never know. I have a feeling that LD intends to push me further than I believe I can stand right now. I can see LD and DH collaborating to ensure my compliance... but DH being the 'eyes and ears' for LD strikes me as a little weird on the one hand (and a little hot on the other).
Limits
LD is quite obviously ready to take this further. His comments as of late (see above) make that abundantly clear. Part of me is craving it... wanting to be owned by him, taken over completely and molded to his liking. The other part of me is terrified of taking this plunge and trusting someone (anyone.. not just LD) to this extent. Can I really stop doubting him? If he tells me to get on my knees in the middle of a subway car and suck him off, can I obey and trust that he is not breaking those hard limits (no illegal activity, nothing that will jeopardize my professional standing) and that there is something going on that I don't know about? What if he orders me to perform bestiality? Rape? Scat?
I am all about being empowered and standing up for your hard limits - it's something that I stress to every new person I council. How do I get to that level of implicit trust that I don't stand up for myself when he asks me to do something that appears to break my hard limits?
Identity
When he and I first started chatting, I told him how important my sense of self was. I will always identify as "Rubenesque Brunette" before I identify as "LD's slave", despite both being accurate. I am terrified of losing myself and my identity to him... to becoming a shadow of myself. I suppose I have to trust him in this as well - not only that he will not try to take away my identity, but that he will stop me from sinking too deep and losing it all by myself. I suspect that there is too much of my Domina side in me to fully disappear, either of my own volition or his, but I still despair becoming a dishrag or completely losing who I am.
Punishment
I also have the purely logical fear of being unable to remember all of his rules and protocols. I DESPISE punishment. Not because I fear the pain, but because I take failure very hard and knowing that my Sir/Dom/Master is disappointed in me is crushing. Honestly, you wouldn't even have to beat me to punish me... just tell me how much I've failed you and I will feel miserable for a week. It doesn't help that my memory is crap, and so it's a very real possibility that I will forget things.
Dear Husband
How much of this should I discuss with DH? Will he be OK with me becoming a slave (for lack of better term, to differentiate a deeper level of commitment and submission than my current position. All of you definition nazis take a deep breath). As much as I scorn formal contracts, should the three of us sit down to discuss this? Could I even get DH to attend something like that? If *I* scorn formal contracts, DH mocks them (and the people who use them) openly. Obviously fluid bonding is something that needs the consent of all three of us, but what else?
Focus
Am I using my submission as an escape from every day stress? Should I not be submitting to please the two of us? I have a hard time focusing (see my post about how difficult it is to orgasm as an example), but when He is able to get me to, I find such peace in it. Am I just being selfish and using him to obtain this? By committing further to him, will he be able to help me achieve focus more often, both in and out of play? Are my blowjobs any better when I'm not thinking of 16 million other things at the same time?
Emotions
I asked earlier about if I could give Him more control over me than my husband has, and if we've been together long enough for this level of commitment. I've been with DH for 7 years, and I wouldn't let him tell me what to wear every day (mind you, he's not exactly fashion conscious and our dynamic doesn't really go in that direction). I've known DH for... a month and a half? Seeing him 2 or 3 times a week... chatting almost every day... but how well do I actually know him? Do I really need to know where he grew up? why he moved to Montreal? Whether he had any pets? Is any of that general stuff important? It's the sort of stuff that you learn about a person over time... I can tell you all sorts of stuff about DH, most of it useless... but it makes me feel like I *know* him. In some respects with LD, we hardly know each other... can I really make him my 'permanent' Dom? will I be able to one day make him my Master?
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