A cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind...

So I cleaned my desk over the holidays... talk about a minor miracle. I was hoping that this enforced order on my workspace would assist with bringing about some clarity of mind as well. Such was not the case - ah well!

Luckily for you, DR, this means that I must continue to spill my thoughts out in to the webbernets for all and sundry to read; an airing of dirty laundry in hopes that the magic of sunshine, butterflies and unicorn farts will leave my unmentionables sparkling.

oh DR, so much has happened in such a short time since we last sat down together! Where to begin? How to sort out my thoughts?! If only I had neatly labeled file folders and boxes to sort this out as easily as my desk...

Flavour of the Week
LD cancelled our plans for NYE in order to have some time for introspection... I am saddened that I had a brief moment of disbelief as to his intentions, before my logical side kicked in to give him the benefit of the doubt. After having agreed to try and have some 'vanilla time' together, he suggested I stop by for a New Years kiss on my way home from the party I was at, and that we would try to make our time together vanilla. As even the most oblivious could predict, one kiss turned in to one wonderful hour on his couch, which very quickly turned chocolate (if one assumes that chocolate is the opposite of vanilla - I'm not really sure it is... I imagine kink being a little more exotic, like a dulce de leche ice cream with bananas, cashews and a fudge swirl). Once I finally surfaced from my lust-induced haze, I remembered that I don't really 'do' vanilla sex, so I wasn't at all surprised when we reverted to our D/s roles. It helped clarify to me that when I has said I needed "vanilla" time, I meant "vanilla and platonic" ... in which case, I suspect that it won't take long for me to want 'D/s and platonic' ... I simply need to spend some time NOT high on sex hormones around him.

While discussing this issue with a friend, she ever so succinctly summed up *exactly* what I'm looking for and what I need:

maybe I'm totally off, but it seems to me what you're really looking for from LD isn't really vanilla... it's just... what sort of guy are you when you're not dominating me, right? like, are you trustworthy in other aspects of your life / do you strangle kittens for fun. The sort of background you usually get with someone you're dating because you're hanging out with them a bit as a prelude to sexytimes

The Argument for Deception
LD asked me the other day, what the difference would be in our relationship if I had never found out about his deception. After some thought, I decided that the only *actual* change would be that there would be unconditional belief in what he says... no brief moments of doubt when plans change or when he tells me something. He pointed out that to some people, this would be an argument FOR deception - what they don't know won't hurt them (or the relationship). He did agree though that in the long run it is far better that he came clean, and that it would build a stronger relationship. It's my thought that if one gets away with a deception once, they will try so again, and that can lead to a devastating downward spiral. Not to mention, it is so much more harmful to find out about a deception later rather than sooner.

I've been thinking about this quite a bit since then... I just don't know him well enough. If this had happened later in our relationship, or if we had been friends first, or if I knew him better in some other way, I'd have a better idea of his character - I'd know if it was common for him to tell white lies to make things easier for him, or if this was a one time occurrence. I'd know how trustworthy he is as a person, not just as a play partner. I do not for one minute believe that he deceived me out of any malicious intent. That said, you do not bring up the issue of prevarication so adamantly on a first date unless you, yourself, have been hurt by a deception or have some sort of special relationship with it. Is he a compulsive liar weaving a life story made out of moonbeams and cobwebs? No, of course not. Does he tell white lies like every other person on the planet? Of course. I just need to get to know him well enough to know where in that spectrum he falls, and decide if I can live with that. I can't do that when I can barely remember my own name due to the hormones coursing through my veins.

Abstinence
It is NOT the answer... don't let ANYONE tell you that. I am going through batteries like mad, yo and I need my medical status ASAP so that I can move forward. Even if I may not be ready to commit myself to a 24/7 M/s relationship, i'm certainly ready to fall to my knees (or any other position he desires) and please him in every carnal way imaginable. As LD so eloquently put it:

I recognize that the biggest reason for the duration of our platonic stage falls from medical imperatives, and yet I am finding that this uncharacteristic (for me) abstinence is contributing substantially to my appreciation of you. So, your need to spend time with me unaffected by neurochemical reactions is welcome.

I am not sure how long I can resist consummating some of the carnal visions I have for you, but for the moment it is almost as stimulating to fantasize about these things with you than would be the actual act. And herein lies a trap, for I do not want to get conditioned to orgasming to thoughts of you before becoming accustomed to how our bodies interact.

If only my doctor would return my calls...

Self Pleasure
Oh yes DR, there is much of this. This man drives me wild, even in my thoughts. On NYE, LD gave me a new rule - with each orgasm, I am to say "Your slut comes for You, Sir"... those of you who have had sex with me know that I am pretty incoherent once I'm aroused, especially if I am letting my control go. This has made for quite a challenge, but I've been fairly successful so far. I am finding this phrase, and thoughts of Him, to be a focus while I am masturbating - a goal to work towards as it were, which is somewhat helpful considering my first orgasm can be very difficult to achieve. Not only this, but I am finding that it alters my mindset... Once again, it comes down to control, and I believe this is His motivation behind this phrase. I am associating my masturbation and orgasm with being under His control - by saying this phrase I am in effect belonging to Him for that brief moment. It is no longer myself who is coming - it is in fact His orgasm, coming from His slut. I am no longer masturbating for myself - I am masturbating (and orgasming) for Him. I will admit that saying the phrase can be motivation enough to try for 'just one more' ... in that moment that I am saying it I generally find myself in that head space of being 'His' and I find it very arousing...If nothing else, He ensures that if I have been using other wank material to get off, that at the very least I associate my moment of climax with Him. He owns that moment.

What are We?
I talk about how I'm not ready for a 24/7 relationship - that I need more time, more knowledge, more whatever... yet when I went to get my hair done, I consulted with him on length... I let him control my orgasms and I am now orgasming for Him. The other night, he looked at my nails and told me to consult with him on colour before I got them done next time... I am slowly giving him more and more control, and am feeling like the urban legend about boiling a frog alive by slowly raising the temperature. I am conflicted. The submissive in me gladly agrees to all of his commands and demands, while the independent part of me (I won't call it my Dominant side) shrieks that I have not agreed to cede this much day-to-day control to him. If this continues, what will be left to give him when I am ready to make that commitment? What will really mark the different between being owned and being free, if he already owns me in action, just not name? Don't misunderstand me, I am the one who initiated consultation regarding my hair, and it really makes no difference to me if he chooses my nail colour or the hot Vietnamese nail girl does. I just feel the temperature in this pot getting warmer.


Well DR, I apologize for this utterly boring post - I would have thought that the combination of cold medicine and painkillers would have made for far more amusing writing, but such is life. Gone are my wild days of random anonymous (bad) sex... I am just another angsty blog, spewing out my thoughts like the blood pouring from an emo kids wrists...