As I mentioned, I was 'helpful' last night... in a really insulting way. We were headed out to an event and I texted him on my way to pick him up, not to forget the rope. This was a rope themed event. On our way there, LD had me pull over and park so he could slap me across the face a few times and remind me exactly how much he dislikes me being 'helpful' ... honest to god if he had berated me any longer I would have cried. The psychological aspect of disappointment gets me so much harder than any physical punishment. I know that I was quiet the rest of the way over to the event, and probably for most of the evening, thinking about my recent failures.
Now, I'm secure in where my relationship is with LD... I'm not afraid that he's going to drop me or leave me because of these mistakes... developing a relationship like this, especially after I have spent so long in the Dominant role, is a learning curve. Old dog, new tricks (well, older but forgotten tricks) and all that jazz. All of that said, I do not forgive myself easily... or at all really... I am a perfectionist, and when I set my sights on doing something perfectly, I take it especially hard when I fuck up. Lately, it feels like I've been doing a lot of fucking up.
Arriving home, I pull out my phone to text Him to let Him know I arrived home safely. I have a waiting text message from Him saying "I forgive you" ... sent 3 hours previously, after we had just arrived at the event. While I very much needed those words from him, I still haven't forgiven myself... for EITHER fuck up... but, who am I to withhold forgiveness? If He has forgiven me, that should be enough - by not forgiving myself I am second guessing His decisions and presuming to know better whether I should be forgiven. This of course makes me feel like more of a failure. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Last night took me an HOUR to orgasm (yes, I'm surprised I didn't just give up and go to sleep) because I just couldn't let go. At the best of times my thoughts aren't focused and it's difficult for me to cum, but when those thoughts are all about my recent failures, it does not make for a particularly sexy head space.
I'm truly at a loss as to how to deal with this.
I have no qualms with asking Him for what I need in order to forgive myself, or making suggestions on how to deal with my failure in future so that I can let go... I just have no clue what to ask for. This is also tricky, because it can quickly become a downward spiral - LD can't break me of this habit by punishing me for it, because then I just have one more thing to not forgive myself for, which leads to more punishments, and more not-forgiving, etc, etc... Last night, I considered asking him to punish me further when we saw each other next, but I'm not sure that will help either... I will know that it's not a 'real' punishment because he has already forgiven me, and at best he is catering to me (at worst, I'm topping from the bottom). Does he just need to punish me harder for future infractions? Will that make me feel as if I have 'earned' his forgiveness? How do you punish a masochist?! If you beat me until I'm black and blue... until I break down crying... for fun... what do you do for punishment? Yes, I enjoy being slapped across the face (oh yum), and no, last night's slapping was not enjoyable (ok, maybe a very very little bit it was), BECAUSE it was not being done for fun... but I'm not sure that physical punishment can be wholly defined by the psychological intent behind it. That gets confusing very quickly... the body reacts to stimulus without the brain's involvement, and I really should not be deriving any pleasure out of a punishment.
I had hoped that a night of sleep would add some perspective, or foster an epiphany, or even just bring some forgiveness, but alas it has not.
As an aside... LD commented last night that yesterday's blog post was.. tame? boring? I don't remember the exact word he used, but I couldn't help but think that we didn't do anything particularly 'hardcore' or shocking over the weekend for me to discuss. Other than beating myself up over slipping into a Dominant headspace, there wasn't much exciting. Don't get me wrong - I love weekends like that just as much as I love the crazy-hardcore-she-did-WHAT?! weekends... you need some of each in my opinion. I apologize, Sir, but I am not an endless pit of angst and neurosis - though it may seem like that sometimes, I think that a life like that would be very stressful. A lack of blog material is probably a good sign ;)
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