Do I honestly think that I could ever give myself over to another person so wholly and completely?
Would this not require suppressing my Dominant side?
This, Dear Readers, would be impossible. Being given 'toys' to express my Dominant side with would be enjoyable, but would that really give me an outlet that would exhaust that part of my personality and leave me docile and submissive in His presence? I'm pretty certain He doesn't really want me "docile" though - He enjoys my fire and fierceness... I just need to figure out the right balance... scratch that, I know that I can't figure it out on my own... I need Him to help me find that balance.
This weekend, I was given free reign to tease and pleasure Him, and was told to verbalize some of my Dominant fantasies and ideas should we bring a third in to our bedroom. As a Dominant, I very much enjoy teasing and denial, and brought Him to the edge a number of times before leaving Him to cool down a little. Between this and expressing my wicked ideas, I forgot myself and found myself in a very Dominant mindset. I opened my mouth and made some sort of comment about being in control.
Big mistake.
I was reminded quite sternly that 'freedom of action' does not equal 'freedom of will', and that while I may be free to do as I please that evening, it was because I was being ALLOWED to do so, and that it was His will that allowed it.
How many times will I forget myself? Is this an argument for never allowing me freedom of action? Obviously if you give me an inch I turn in to an uppity wench with airs above her station.
Other than forgetting myself, I had a wonderful night with him and the next day discovered a new and delicious kink, which brought me right back to my internal conflict of the previous evening.
Now, I have always found musicians to be sexy... talent of any sort really... you can be an athlete, musician, artist or mechanic.. watching you do what you excel at is unbearably sexy to me... the talent, the concentration, the look of pure enjoyment on their face.. I'm not sure exactly what it is that captivates me and turns me on... but there you have it.
LD is a pianist. Saturday He brought out his keyboard in preparation for a gig that evening, and He wanted to make sure everything was in working order. While I couldn't hear any of what He was playing, just watching His fingers dance over the keys got me worked up. LD seemed truly baffled by this... like He couldn't understand that His talent was sexy. I literally threw myself at Him afterwards, a continuation of the hot and heavy kissing in the elevator to get His keyboard. LD commented on my aggressiveness, and I realized that He was right - I am rarely aggressive or initiate sexual contact.
I thought about this briefly and realized that I hold some confusion as to when I feel like I can be "myself" and aggressive/forward/(Dominant) with sexual contact, and when I must be the submissive 'living doll'... To be honest I'm still conflicted over this... and it brings me right back to my struggle of the previous evening. I often have very Dominant or aggressive urges with LD - all of them sexual. I never feel the urge to challenge him in any sort of power dynamic, I just simply want to throw myself at Him and have a wild frenzy of screaming-yourself-hoarse sex. The kind that makes you pass out afterwards in a tangle of sated and sweaty limbs, too exhausted to even pull the covers over you (or get up off of the kitchen table, or move the rug that's digging in to your back). But how do I do this "submissively"? When can I act on these urges and when will it be seen as trying to take control?
I suspect that this is something that will just take time for me to recognize moods and cues as to when I can initiate and be the 'Dominant sex kitten' throwing myself at Him and taking what I want/need, and when I need to be the high-protocol submissive who doesn't dare blink or breathe without permission.
Funnily enough, on Sunday I was at the opera with my Musical Whore and we had lunch beforehand... we were talking about our sex lives, etc and I mentioned that LD was a musician - her immediate reaction was "fuck musicians are so hot, especially piano players". At least someone else gets it ;)
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