Spending too much time in my own head...

Have you missed me Dear Readers?  I've been quiet lately, haven't I?

Almost makes you wish fondly for the angst filled days of bad one night stands, eh?  Too bad sex with LD is so good, otherwise I'd have more stories for you ;)  maybe I'll try to be more diligent in posting some of our hotter scenes...

Lately I've been thinking a lot of commitment, and collars, and emotions.  In the past couple of weeks the 'L' word has shown its head and thrown me in to an existential whirlwind.   How do you know that it's love? Can one develop love that quickly? LD and I have been dating for 4 months... mind you we've spent quite a bit of time together (most of the weekends, plus one evening a week) and we chat almost every day... I don't remember how long DH and I were dating before we said we loved one another...  it was within the first year... and the weather was still warm so I'm guessing within the first 6 months, but I don't remember exactly... I certainly have been missing Him the same way I miss DH when he's gone... 

But at the same time, I still put in that effort to appear 'perfect' when I spend time with Him... I don't bring my nightguard when I spend the night... I despair about my complexion and how hairy I am and whether my hair looks good...  is that how you define love? When you no longer try to hide the 'unsexy' parts of you?  Laying yourself bare for them to see and saying "I am as far from perfect as a person can get.  Love me, not the illusion I wear every day"

This brings me to the question of commitment... collars and fluid bonding and all that... How well do I feel I have to know Him to take that plunge?  I'm sure that there are deep dark secrets that I don't know (and likewise I'm sure there's stuff He doesn't know about me).  Despite our rocky start, I'd say that there's a lot of trust that's developed... I have His keys while He's gone, I've been helping Him with His personal filing and have access to all sorts of personal information (not that I've looked).  But how much better do I have to know Him?  I suppose it depends on our definition of 'collaring' ...  Complete and total ownership... 24/7 (or as close as it can get)  utter, absolute ownership to me is akin to marriage... it's a very serious commitment which I know that I am not ready for.  It took 5 years for DH and I to get married! (though we knew were were going to get married long before that... it was at LEAST a year though, maybe 2)... a lesser level of collaring/ownership? I might be prepared to make that vow... I suppose this requires some in depth discussion between LD and I as to what we both are looking for and what we expect.  As for fluid bonding, due to some medical issues that's off the table until August... that is *definitely* something I'm looking forward to.  

I don't know that this rambling has really helped me sort out my thoughts or come to any great conclusions...  I do know that the thought of not having LD in my life is painful though, so maybe that's indication enough?

Gifts

I am crap at giving gifts.  

Let me clarify...  it's the "occasion" gifts that frustrate me.  Run of the mill Birthday/Christmas/etc gifts for those I care about make me want to curl into a ball and suck my thumb until the whole thing passes me by.

See the thing is... I give gifts alllll of the time.  I'm one of those people who will buy a new pen for their stationary-supply-crazed coworker because I saw it and thought she'd like it.  I pack a bag full of low-carb-healthy-airplane-friendly-tasty snacks for LD's 60 hours of travel time for His flight to Bali, because i know He dislikes airplane food.  I buy treats for DH every time I go grocery shopping, or make his favourite foods even though they're not to my liking... I bring cookies to work on Mondays. I like to show people that I love and appreciate them *every* day... not just on days society says are special. (wow, this makes me sound like some sort of Suzy Sunshine)  

I also feel that "major gifts" should be occasions on their own.  You don't propose to someone for their birthday... a proposal should be its own special event.  Going to collar me? Fluid bond? These aren't 'gifts' that should piggy back on to a holiday... that's just cheating and it overshadows the occasion that you're supposed to be celebrating.

So that leaves me stumped when it comes to 'occasion' gifts...  DH and I don't exchange gifts, so that makes things easy, but LDs birthday is coming up in the beginning of April... and I have no. clue. what. to. do.

How do I think of something that is *more* meaningful than my every day displays of affection and appreciation, but not so meaningful that it overshadows the occasion that we're celebrating?  I shun most material gifts... I mean... it just seems so trivial to give a CD box set or new clothing or anything like that.  He can get all of that stuff himself... I want to give him something special, meaningful, that can only come from me...

This makes me sound like a hippy, but I'm not materialistic.. I'm all about the experiences man, not the stuff.

Sometimes I wish I weren't such a slut... if I'd been holding back sexual practices or kinks, I'd have something to give, ya?  How can I give more of *me* when I already give all that I'm able to?  If I were to give any more, I'd be entering that "overshadowing the occasion" territory.

I'm stumped Dear Readers... I need ideas.. your thoughts on gifts..  what do YOU do for your loved ones (if you still exchange gifts)?  What can I do for LD? (Sir, please do not read any comments so as not to spoil any surprises)

While the cat's away...

so LD is in Bali until April 1st... I woke up at 4:30 on Saturday to get him to the airport as comfortably as is possible at 6am on a Saturday.  Woke up at 4:45am on Sunday when he texted me from Seoul to confirm the 2nd leg of his flight had gone smoothly.  Woke up this morning at 7:30, rolled out of bed, got ready for work, arrived at work and realized...

I didn't put on any makeup.  It never even occurred to me.  I had thought that after all of this time (3 months? 4 months? wow, that long already?) I had gotten in to the habit of wearing makeup every day.  I certainly put some on yesterday for my birthday party...  But this morning, barely 48 hours after LD had left Toronto, I had reverted back to my original 'au natural' look.  

Looking in the mirror at work though... I feel ugly... I feel the urge to dive in to my emergency supply of 'touch up' makeup in my purse.  I still feel like I'm wearing a mask though when I put on a full face of cosmetics.  How can I live in this aesthetic purgatory? I feel ugly without makeup, but I feel like an impostor while wearing it? Where does that leave me?  A girl should not have an existential identity crisis over a pile of prettily coloured chemicals.  

I'm going to take the next 2 weeks off from 'putting on my face' and try to look at it as a cosmetic vacation.  This will probably be just enough time for me to get used to myself without makeup again and make it all the more difficult to go back to wearing it when LD returns.  I'll cross that bridge when I arrive at it.

In the meantime, maybe I'll go get a facial and pray that my complexion will settle down while he's gone.

One person's good time is another person's worst nightmare...

As I lay on his couch, my legs braced over the arm in order to fuck myself vigorously on the big black dildo in my ass, my fingers and vibrator teasing myself as I race to completion, His cock deep down my throat as I moan and scream around it, I found myself thinking "yaknow, I'd love to do some humiliation play... I should suggest it to Sir" ... and then my mind wandered, as it tends to do... and it fell on to our discussion about His previous vanilla girlfriend... and how she would probably NOT consider our tame Sunday afternoon to be all that tame... and probably more than a little humiliating...

her loss.

Failure and Forgiveness

For the second time in as many visits, I fucked up - this time by being 'helpful' ... while on the surface it seems as if both incidences boil down to learning to keep my mouth shut, that doesn't solve the underlying problems...  and I've yet to forgive myself for either.

As I mentioned, I was 'helpful' last night... in a really insulting way.  We were headed out to an event and I texted him on my way to pick him up, not to forget the rope.  This was a rope themed event.  On our way there, LD had me pull over and park so he could slap me across the face a few times and remind me exactly how much he dislikes me being 'helpful' ... honest to god if he had berated me any longer I would have cried. The psychological aspect of disappointment gets me so much harder than any physical punishment.  I know that I was quiet the rest of the way over to the event, and probably for most of the evening, thinking about my recent failures.

Now, I'm secure in where my relationship is with LD... I'm not afraid that he's going to drop me or leave me because of these mistakes... developing a relationship like this, especially after I have spent so long in the Dominant role, is a learning curve.  Old dog, new tricks (well, older but forgotten tricks) and all that jazz.  All of that said, I do not forgive myself easily... or at all really... I am a perfectionist, and when I set my sights on doing something perfectly, I take it especially hard when I fuck up.  Lately, it feels like I've been doing a lot of fucking up.

Arriving home, I pull out my phone to text Him to let Him know I arrived home safely.  I have a waiting text message from Him saying "I forgive you" ... sent 3 hours previously, after we had just arrived at the event.  While I very much needed those words from him, I still haven't forgiven myself... for EITHER fuck up... but, who am I to withhold forgiveness? If He has forgiven me, that should be enough - by not forgiving myself I am second guessing His decisions and presuming to know better whether I should be forgiven. This of course makes me feel like more of a failure. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Last night took me an HOUR to orgasm (yes, I'm surprised I didn't just give up and go to sleep) because I just couldn't let go.  At the best of times my thoughts aren't focused and it's difficult for me to cum, but when those thoughts are all about my recent failures, it does not make for a particularly sexy head space. 

I'm truly at a loss as to how to deal with this.

I have no qualms with asking Him for what I need in order to forgive myself, or making suggestions on how to deal with my failure in future so that I can let go... I just have no clue what to ask for.  This is also tricky, because it can quickly become a downward spiral - LD can't break me of this habit by punishing me for it, because then I just have one more thing to not forgive myself for, which leads to more punishments, and more not-forgiving, etc, etc...   Last night, I considered asking him to punish me further when we saw each other next, but I'm not sure that will help either... I will know that it's not a 'real' punishment because he has already forgiven me, and at best he is catering to me (at worst, I'm topping from the bottom).  Does he just need to punish me harder for future infractions? Will that make me feel as if I have 'earned' his forgiveness?  How do you punish a masochist?!  If you beat me until I'm black and blue... until I break down crying... for fun...  what do you do for punishment?  Yes, I enjoy being slapped across the face (oh yum), and no, last night's slapping was not enjoyable (ok, maybe a very very little bit it was), BECAUSE it was not being done for fun...  but I'm not sure that physical punishment can be wholly defined by the psychological intent behind it.  That gets confusing very quickly... the body reacts to stimulus without the brain's involvement, and I really should not be deriving any pleasure out of a punishment.  

I had hoped that a night of sleep would add some perspective, or foster an epiphany, or even just bring some forgiveness, but alas it has not.

As an aside... LD commented last night that yesterday's blog post was..  tame? boring? I don't remember the exact word he used, but I couldn't help but think that we didn't do anything particularly 'hardcore' or shocking over the weekend for me to discuss.  Other than beating myself up over slipping into a Dominant headspace, there wasn't much exciting. Don't get me wrong - I love weekends like that just as much as I love the crazy-hardcore-she-did-WHAT?! weekends... you need some of each in my opinion. I apologize, Sir, but I am not an endless pit of angst and neurosis - though it may seem like that sometimes, I think that a life like that would be very stressful.  A lack of blog material is probably a good sign ;)

The Dominant submissive

What am I doing?  

Do I honestly think that I could ever give myself over to another person so wholly and completely? 

Would this not require suppressing my Dominant side?  

This, Dear Readers, would be impossible.  Being given 'toys' to express my Dominant side with would be enjoyable, but would that really give me an outlet that would exhaust that part of my personality and leave me docile and submissive in His presence?  I'm pretty certain He doesn't really want me "docile" though - He enjoys my fire and fierceness...  I just need to figure out the right balance... scratch that, I know that I can't figure it out on my own... I need Him to help me find that balance.

This weekend, I was given free reign to tease and pleasure Him, and was told to verbalize some of my Dominant fantasies and ideas should we bring a third in to our bedroom.  As a Dominant, I very much enjoy teasing and denial, and brought Him to the edge a number of times before leaving Him to cool down a little.  Between this and expressing my wicked ideas, I forgot myself and found myself in a very Dominant mindset.  I opened my mouth and made some sort of comment about being in control.

Big mistake.

I was reminded quite sternly that 'freedom of action' does not equal 'freedom of will', and that while I may be free to do as I please that evening, it was because I was being ALLOWED to do so, and that it was His will that allowed it.

How many times will I forget myself?  Is this an argument for never allowing me freedom of action? Obviously if you give me an inch I turn in to an uppity wench with airs above her station.  

Other than forgetting myself, I had a wonderful night with him and the next day discovered a new and delicious kink, which brought me right back to my internal conflict of the previous evening.

Now, I have always found musicians to be sexy... talent of any sort really... you can be an athlete, musician, artist or mechanic.. watching you do what you excel at is unbearably sexy to me...  the talent, the concentration, the look of pure enjoyment on their face.. I'm not sure exactly what it is that captivates me and turns me on... but there you have it.

LD is a pianist.  Saturday He brought out his keyboard in preparation for a gig that evening, and He wanted to make sure everything was in working order.  While I couldn't hear any of what He was playing, just watching His fingers dance over the keys got me worked up.  LD seemed truly baffled by this... like He couldn't understand that His talent was sexy.  I literally threw myself at Him afterwards, a continuation of the hot and heavy kissing in the elevator to get His keyboard.  LD commented on my aggressiveness, and I realized that He was right - I am rarely aggressive or initiate sexual contact.  

I thought about this briefly and realized that I hold some confusion as to when I feel like I can be "myself" and aggressive/forward/(Dominant) with sexual contact, and when I must be the submissive 'living doll'...  To be honest I'm still conflicted over this... and it brings me right back to my struggle of the previous evening.  I often have very Dominant or aggressive urges with LD - all of them sexual.  I never feel the urge to challenge him in any sort of power dynamic, I just simply want to throw myself at Him and have a wild frenzy of screaming-yourself-hoarse sex.  The kind that makes you pass out afterwards in a tangle of sated and sweaty limbs, too exhausted to even pull the covers over you (or get up off of the kitchen table, or move the rug that's digging in to your back).  But how do I do this "submissively"? When can I act on these urges and when will it be seen as trying to take control?

I suspect that this is something that will just take time for me to recognize moods and cues as to when I can initiate and be the 'Dominant sex kitten' throwing myself at Him and taking what I want/need, and when I need to be the high-protocol submissive who doesn't dare blink or breathe without permission.

Funnily enough, on Sunday I was at the opera with my Musical Whore and we had lunch beforehand... we were talking about our sex lives, etc and I mentioned that LD was a musician - her immediate reaction was "fuck musicians are so hot, especially piano players".  At least someone else gets it ;)

The face in the mirror...

"Soft lighting hides the sins of the skin" ... some valuable advice I learned during my brief stint as a porn star.  Many imperfections can be overlooked... harshness is softened. You can hide a lot with soft lighting.

I've carried this advice forward to my Domestic Suburban life - my dressing room has fairly soft light.  I prefer it this way, for obvious reasons, though I do check my makeup in the harsh brightness of the bathroom mirror before leaving the house, just to make sure that I don't look completely like a clown.

This morning, in the light of my dressing room, all made up... I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the face looking back at me.  She was pretty. No, not pretty... beautiful.. gorgeous... mesmerizing. It felt like I was looking at someone else.  I went to the bathroom to put in my contact lenses and the spell was broken.  A valuable lesson about harsh lighting for all of you.  Bright lights hide nothing.

Now, I'm aware that some people find me attractive.  You can get pretty far with big tits and a willing attitude, and I've had my fair share of partners, yeah?  I know what people think are my most attractive attributes and I've learnt how to dress and use makeup to accentuate them.  All of this is done with cold precision and a calculating eye.  I don't look at myself in the mirror and see an attractive woman, I look at myself clinically and analytically... but this morning... wow, I wanted to do me... I wanted to imprint this image in my mind for all of eternity.  For the brief spellbound moment this morning while gazing in the mirror, I wondered - is this how others see me? or do they see the girl in the bathroom mirror, with all of her imperfections jumping out at them?

For all of my distaste of makeup, I appreciated it just a little bit this morning when I looked in the mirror.