Mea Culpa

I seem to be spending a lot of time apologizing to you all, Dear Readers... Alastair had me hostage yesterday.  I've finally broken free temporarily to write to you all!

It occurs to me, as I sit here, that my sex life has become... routine... plentiful, yes, but actually bordering a little on vanilla... Sure we have a ton of sex (fuck LD can go on FOREVER... envy me girls) but ever since Alastair has become more of a pain in the.. head.. LD has been coddling me a little more... we haven't been playing as much... and as much as I appreciate it and know that He's doing it because He loves me and is trying to take care of me... it's starting to make me a little cranky. And giving me a dearth of writing material for the blog...

As I sit here, I'm starting on 2 week away from LD, as part of the grand experiment where we prove once and for all if my house with DH is causing Alastair... I'm spending as much time as possible in the house for the next 2 weeks, and then living with LD for 6 weeks after that.  If it really IS the house, and not a placebo effect, I should be migraine free for about 4 - 5 of those 6 weeks.

and let this be official notice to You, Master: I expect a lot of fucking play.  Hell, at this point, migraine or no migraine, I need some dirty nasty degrading one-step-past-the-edge play...

This weekend was a good first step...

LD and I went for a long walk on Saturday, and one our way out, discovered a stairwell to the parking garage of the new condo complex being constructed next door.  I'm sure you can all picture it... full of garbage, abandoned for all intense and purposes... and on Sunday night, under the cover of darkness, home to one piggy slut on her knees sucking off her Master.  Once finished, He made me crawl up the dirty concrete steps, surrounded by coffee cups and discarded bits of chain link fence and other random refuse.. and then down the last few steps (the stairwell is raised, so to get to the parking garage you climb up 4 steps before going down a flight of them)... then along the scaffolding leading out of the construction site... and then got a few lovely swats to the ass once standing, while loudly proclaiming my ownership (to the delight of the guy walking to his car who was in the right place at the right time)...

It was long overdue, and the scraped up hands and knees were well worth it, and continues to be a lovely reminder of this last weekend.

You know what I love?

There's never any shortage of idiots and weirdos on Craigslist to cover for me when my migraine is bad and nothing exciting is happening to me...

Seeking a porn host - m4mw (Scarborough) 23yr

from craigslist toronto | casual encounters search "m4mw"

hello there, 

I am looking for a porn host who is single or can host. I need a place to watch porn freely. At home, I got roommates. 
I wanna come by at your place to watch porn. I got my own DVDs. 
If you want, you can watch with me. I like big fat tits and bbw porn. 
So, anyone who has a place and is willing to give me a spare room to watch it, I'd highly appreciate that. 
Guy or girl, doesn't matter. So, let me know if you can host. 

thanks

Sorry Folkes

All joking aside, my head has really been bothering me this week and it's turning me in to a space cadet.  Sorry for missing most of this week, I'll try to do better starting Monday.

I know you'll forgive me though, I give the best head ;)

Oh My

Dear me!  Do I ever have a story for you dear readers... it's only just now that I am able to sit and type this tale.

When we last spoke, it was Monday and I had revealed to you all that BR was back in town and trolling the CL forums for more unwitting partners.  Then, all of a sudden this revelation sunk in to my delicate feminine constitution and I came down with a case of the vapors the likes of which I haven't succumbed to since the grocery store was out of ben and jerry's.

I'm very serious about my ice cream.

So there I was, without my smelling salts, in a daze of hysteria. Visions came to me, and I think that I spent a brief time in 1942 reliving a past life.  All of a sudden, I came to and after tidying myself up a bit, realized that it was Wednesday!

So I apologize, Dear Readers, for missing my blog post yesterday... I was otherwise indisposed.

Some Self-Pity

Warning: Non-Sexual conversation involving vomit up ahead

Oh Woe Is Me.

I have reached a point where I am going in to talk to my Pharmacist today about dietary supplements... the only food I'm able to eat without being violently nauseous are rice cakes.  Rice cakes are tasty.  They are not nutritionally diverse.  

That said, I do take Iron, B12 and Vitamin C supplements, plus a regular multi-vitamin.  The thought of ensure makes me want to puke.  The thought of 'protein shakes' makes me want to puke even more violently.  I tried eating some scrambled eggs (which I'd secretly fortified with cheese) and some ham and bread yesterday.  I then spent the next two hours lying in bed trying to fall asleep despite the feeling that I'd have to make a mad dash to the bathroom at any minute.

The bread was ok... I had another piece or two later on that afternoon.  So I lied earlier, I'm subsisting on bread and rice cakes.  Bananas and Applesauce are also supposed to be easy to digest, but I hate applesauce and the thought of bananas right now makes me want to gag.

Fun Fact:  I rarely actually vomit.  I feel overwhelmingly nauseous to the point of breaking out in perspiration and hovering near the door of the bathroom, but I never puke.  Sometimes I wonder if I should learn to embrace sticking my fingers down my throat.  Not sure if that would make me feel better or worse.

The golden lining to this is that when I weigh myself tonight I bet you a million dollars that I've continued to lose weight, and that by the time this migraine issue is resolved I will have hit my goal weight. So.. ummm.... yay for weight loss!

I really gotta get some better marketing copy for this diet... I'm not gonna sell it with what I just wrote.

I an a naughty girl

I am so sorry for abandoning you yesterday, Dear Readers.  I must confess, it completely slipped my mind and I didn't even realize I hadn't posted until my dear stalker informed me of this egregious error on my part.

I will blame my shitty mood over the weekend which led to not a whole lot of interesting happenings to talk about on Monday morning.

As well, I am now back with DH for the week, which means less in the way of kinky shenanigans.

I promise to have something interesting to say tomorrow.

Order Now! Supplies are limited!

I just received an e-mail from my crack legal team (or is that legal team on crack?) letting me know that I may now share my patented and copyrighted weight loss technique with all of you.  Consider yourselves truly blessed that I am so benevolent that I am willing to share these secrets with you (for a small fee, in the form of eternal adoration and comments to the blog)!

Let me share this plan with you in a few simple steps:

1. Start Dating and/or Marry a Dedicated Athlete.  Preferably one who is slightly picky and eats only meat, carbs and junk food.  When he's at his peak (I use 'he' because let's be honest, are there any men reading this? (Hi LD!) Let alone any men watching their weight? (oh, Hi LD again!)) he will eat anything that is too slow to get out of his way. This in and of itself can be an effective weight loss technique, provided you are able to suture the bite marks closed yourself.  Emergency room doctor's get curious after the 4th or 5th time you come in with missing flesh. 
   
   Come to think of it, he'll eat that way even when he's not riding (er.. or participating in whatever sport your athlete participates in).  You need to do this, because my weight loss plan is so effective, you need some added challenges to stop you from losing weight too quickly.  Having a ton of junk food in the house is the perfect way to do this.  
   
   
2. Purchase a House.  Not any house!  This house must be older (but not too old) and located within walking distance of an oil refinery and a field of radio towers.  Walking distance to a Turtle Jacks and variety of mexican/pizza/chinese places also helps.  Once again, this is to prevent you from wasting away completely as well as assist you with the next step.
   
   
3. Develop a migraine. This migraine has to be a permanent fixture in your life - not one of those pansy-ass 1 or 2 day jobs... not even one of those ones that puts you out of commission for a week.  This migraine has to last for AT LEAST a year.  
   
   Methods for developing this migraine include inhalation of various molds and/or hydrocarbons, exposure to a large field of radio waves,  extensive and noisy renovations on the house you just purchased, consumption of triggering foods, blunt force trauma to the head, or manipulating the weather to produce a metric ass-ton of rain.
   
   
4. Stop Eating.  Here's really the most important step.  Let this migraine fester until you are unbearably nauseous... about 10 months should do it.  Stop eating everything but the BRAT diet - Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast (easiest to digest foods).  
   
   Make sure that you dislike at least one of these foods (applesauce) and quickly get sick of two more of them (bananas and rice), leaving you with the ability to only eat one single food (bread).  A loaf of bread should last you about a week and a half. Yes, I realize that this is pretty fast when you're eating nothing but bread, but that's the beauty of this diet - you can eat as much bread as you can stomach (heh)!  No need to conserve your bread consumption. Can I say bread again in this paragraph? bread bread bread bread.  This is not a low-carb diet. bread.
   
   
   
5. Start Eating Again.  After about 8 weeks, move out of your house and wait for the migraine to disappear.  Huzzah! You are now able to eat 'real' food again.  At this point, your stomach will have atrophied to the point where you have the capacity to eat similar to that of a toddler or supermodel.  Spend a week feeling gross as you adjust to the fact that you can not finish a kids meal at most eating establishments.  Continue to eat these smaller portions on a permanent basis.

There you have it folks!  Nothing simpler! I personally have gone from 178lbs to 168lbs over the course of about 4 or 5 weeks, which is a little over 2lbs a week -  a little quicker than is recommended, but those quacks with their "MDs" don't really know anything anyways.  In the past 4 months, I have lost 20lbs in total.

Keep in mind that you may experience some depression and suicidal thoughts when you realize you are no longer able to eat your weight in chinese food, or that the few attempts you made to eat your favourite foods while you were nauseous means that you'll never be able to eat them again without a twinge of remembered queasiness.  This is actually an added bonus because it will stop you from eating your formerly favourite foods quite so often.

A while ago, I set up some rewards for meeting my goals... because rewards are fun! At 175lbs, I was going to buy some new slut shoes (these have not been purchased yet, but I can't wait for them! I will post photos once they have been purchased)... my next reward comes at 165lbs, and was supposed to be a spa visit. I'm not really feeling the spa thing right now though.  For reference, my goals (which I'm going to revise) are as follows:

175 lbs - Slut Shoes

165 lbs - Spa Day

155 lbs - Chocolatieres Course

145 lbs - Cello Lessons

Now, I've decided that instead of Cello Lessons, I'm going to get laser eye surgery done... I have no natural musical talent and lasik will be a much better investment (and less costly in the long run), and I'm thinking that for 165lbs I'll get the third tattoo that I've been wanting... though I had been planning on getting this anyways, so it really seems to me that this is more like just 'skipping' a reward. I do not like skipping rewards.

It also occurred to me that a chocolatieres course might be counter productive to my weight loss goals.

This leaves me with a reward schedule that looks like this:

175 lbs - Slut Shoes

165 lbs - ???

155 lbs - ????

145 lbs - Lasik

Any thoughts Dear Readers?  Should I reschedule the spa day? Come up with something else?  Should I use the tattoo I was getting anyways as my 165lbs reward?  Any thoughts?

*taps her microphone*

is this thing on?  Are you out there Dear Readers?

Everything's Coming Up Milhouse

I know that I said I'd talk in depth about my amazing weight loss program, but it's still patent pending and as such my lawyers have advised me to remain quiet for a few more days.  Instead I will entertain you with more random thoughts from the depths of my brain.

A New Me

I just about skipped back to my desk just now, Dear Readers.  It's amazing to notice the difference in how I feel, even sleep deprived, compared to how I was feeling before.  When I said yesterday that the Botox helped, but did not completely remove the pain... I didn't realize by how much.  

Sir has noticed as well.  Yesterday I got home before Him and greeted him with a smile and a kiss.  He actually remarked that this was the first time in months that he's seen me so awake and happy and 'alive' at this hour.  It was approximately 5:30 pm. I feel like an entirely new person.

My Weight

From a peak weight of around 188lbs (good god, did I really weight that much?!) I am now down to 168... and starting to see my hourglass figure return.  It's so nice to have a waist.  A bit of a pain that I'm going to have to start buying new clothing soon, but I think I can live with that.  Once my lawyers have given me the go ahead I will discuss my amazing patented weight loss plan.  For a small fee, you too can see the same results that I have!

Makeup

While Alastair was in full force, I stopped wearing makeup - it was valuable time in the morning that I could continue sleeping... I looked like crap and was wearing my sunglasses all of the time anyways... my complexion was really acting up and I wanted to give my face a break and I just plain didn't feel like fussing with it all.  

The exception to this was swiping some bright red lipstick on before visiting Sir... I'm sure he didn't notice my lackluster makeup skills were lacklustier - my skill with makeup is that bad that "fully compos mentis" and "drugged to the gills on multiple painkillers and other substances" produce startlingly similar results. 

Last night, for the first time in months, I did myself up.  Looking in the mirror, I got that sense of "looking at another person" again... it's like every habit I got in to with regards to makeup has been wiped away, and I'm starting fresh.  This morning I took the time to do myself up again.  I'm going to try and get back in to wearing it every day.  

The weird thing is, the first time I did this I *HATED* it with a passion... check my archives to see what I mean.  Today, I looked in the mirror after applying the last of it and thought "there, I look much prettier now"

On the one hand, I'm not sure I like this shift in my thinking, but on the other hand I notice it and revel in how my Master is shaping me and affecting me... a bit of a catch-22 there.

Live-In Slave

I have been living with LD for the last week and a half, and aside from the obvious benefits to my health, I have been enjoying my time as a live-in slave as well.  After reading my blog yesterday, we were discussing it last night and Sir told me that He takes back His comment about curing His desire to live with another - and also confessed that it has been a long time fantasy of his to have a 24/7 live in slave. 

I will admit that part of me will be sad to be moving back in with DH.  Part of me misses DH and can't wait to snuggle up to him again.  This makes for a very conflicted set of feelings.  To top things off, LDs daughter is visiting the weekend after next, so after living with Him for 2 weeks, I will not see Him for over a week afterwards.  I think that it's going to be an adjustment for both of us.  For one thing, He will have to start doing His own cooking and dishes.

Torture Garden

Are any of you planning on attending Torture Garden?  Sir is getting us tickets and says that he's got a big scene planned, so there should be some hot entertainment ;) We'd love to go as a group - it's always more fun with more people (good advice for both events and sex) so let me know if you're planning on attending!

A New Resolution

So I realize that I'm late for every "new year" I could possibly imagine, including fiscal years and weird religious calendars...  but I've decided to make a resolution anyways.  It's never too late to turn over a new leaf!

I'm going to post to this blog every day, even if it kills me.

That said, Let's make up for my hiatus with all sorts of news that most of you probably already know!

Meet Alastair Jeurgen Horace Ross

As most of you know, a year ago (on our wedding anniversary actually) DH and I moved in to our first house.  Proud homeowners and all that sentimental stuff.  Approximately 3 weeks after moving in, I developed a migraine.  The migraine from hell.  The most persistent migraine I've ever experienced. I was on an ever changing cocktail of narcotics in an effort to control the pain and in the meantime, we also started renovations.  Have you ever had a gas line installed (which requires drilling all the way to the outside of the house) while you're in so much pain you're nauseous?  I highly recommend it to the masochists out there.

Try some Neurotoxin!

I digress.  This migraine did not go away... I was missing work, vanished from my social circle, and generally was in no shape to do much of anything but sleep.  Finally in... September? (yes, that's right, 4 months of migraine later) my doctor suggested I try Botox... the newest and greatest treatment for migraines, but also sort of a 'last resort' treatment.  I met my new neurologist, he poked my scalp/neck/face 42 times with a neurotoxin and about a week later... the pain faded.  It didn't go away entirely, but it was enough to get me back to acting more human.  Sadly, I metabolize drugs much quicker than most people, so the treatment that was supposed to work for 3 months, only worked for 2.  Back to the neuro I go...  did I mention that Botox is very expensive?  no?  Did I mention that because it's an "off label" use, it's not covered by insurance?  no?  Did I mention that I was missing a lot of work at the time? This was a somewhat stressful period of time.  

Because of the way that the Botox works, you have to wait for it to wear off before you can get another dose.  The only way you know that it's worn off (if it's working), is because the migraine returns.  Either way, the soonest between treatments you can do is about 2 months.  Once it's worn off, you need to try and get an appointment with your very busy neurologist.  This means that every 2 months or so, I'd have between 1 and 2 weeks of migraine before I could get treatment... and then another week for the treatment to kick in...  you know, looking back at this I'm not sure that the "2 months of relief, 1 month of pain" schedule was really worth the money I was shelling out for the treatment.

Three treatments later we get to March.  I go in and mention that it's a bit of a pain (heh) to be coming in every 2 months when the treatment should last for 3.  Doc suggests I try a double dose (at double the cost, naturally) and I mention that I'll think about it for next time.  I wait patiently for the Botox to kick in.  It doesn't.  I start getting violently nauseous and go on the BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast... the easiest to digest foods)... I basically stop eating except for the odd bit of plain rice or bread... tried bananas for a while but soon couldn't stomach them.  Can't stand applesauce.  

Back to my GP, who prescribes me more narcotics to manage the pain.  I make an appointment to get the double Botox done and wait out the time until I can go in for the injections.  I spent most of March and April high on percocet and weed. I decide to name the migraine considering it's been living with me for almost a year.  Alastair Jeurgen Horace Ross sounds like the right holy terror he is, right?

The Attack of the HOIR

Then DH suggests that I move in with Sir for a couple of weeks... just to see if perhaps it's the house that's making me sick.  It had briefly crossed my mind before - the timing was certainly suspect, but I figured that with all of the renovations we were doing that anything that could make me sick would have been discovered.  Despite that, I moved in with Sir 11 days ago.  6 days ago I began to be able to eat regular food.  5 days ago my head started to feel better.  At the present time I have a mild headache and am learning to live with the fact that after a month with almost no food, I'm not able to eat very much before feeling full.  

Sir and I have had a few growing pains adjusting to living with each other, but have worked things out and are getting along splendidly now.  I think that Sir will miss me when I move back with DH, despite a few days in to our adventure telling me that I had cured him of the idea that he'd ever want to live with another woman again.  

So to sum things up: Yup, it's quite possible that my beloved house is making me sick.  I will be staying with Sir the rest of this week to fully recover (and give me a bit of a break) and will then move back home to see if the migraine returns.  If it does, I will be moving back in with Sir while we figure out what to do with the house.  First step will be a comprehensive air quality test to see if there's anything that's easily fixable.  Then we decide how much money we're willing to sink in to the house to make it livable for me, or if we abandon ship and move.  Neither option is easy or appealing.

hmm.. this post hasn't exactly been funny or uplifting, has it?

Stay tuned for tomorrow... I'll talk about my patented no-fail diet plan!