Some Important Insight

One of my recent candidates has answered the question that has been plaguing me for weeks - turns out it's a yeast infection ... no wait, not that question... this question:

Why am I having so much trouble finding a third (fourth? extra?).

Our interaction started with a succinct inquiry from my suitor "Are you guys still looking".  Note the lack of question mark - this gentleman is certain that we have not yet found a partner.  He is confidant! I must admit, Dear Readers, that my initial reaction was to delete his message without response.  Then I thought "but what am I going to write about on Monday?" I forged ahead.

"Yes we are" I replied, making sure to match him in lack of punctuation to ensure he felt welcome and comfortable in our discourse.

Im 36 6'0 210 blonde blue 6 cut hairy chest masculine honest ddf bottom nice smooth ass well spoken and very bi into some of the stuff you guys are into not all jst being honest  

ohhhhh strike one.  This lack of punctuation is beginning to bother me already.  Perhaps his keyboard has suffered from a horrible virus that has disabled all of the punctuation keys?  I'm so glad that he values honesty though - notice he mentions it twice?  Honesty is a very important attribute in a submissive.  

I request photos and more information about what exactly he IS in to.  

He forwards me a forwarded e-mail that was forwarded from a forward from a friend of his after a night out. The e-mail that accompanies it:   heres trusting youll send one backl please be honest Im one without glasses but only pic on computer.

There's that honesty thing again... However dude is either lying to me or to himself... he looks closer to a poorly aged 50, and it's NOT a flattering photo on top of that.   The lack of spelling/punctuation is beginning to give me a headache.  I reply with my standard and polite "Thanks but you're not our type, best of luck with your search"

and I figure I'm done.  Yet another disappointing prospect with a fugly photo.

But wait!  Apparently there's something in the craigslist TOS that enters me in to some sort of contract with anyone who replies to my ad...

wheres your pic fair is fair I told you not best pic to show me guys are real not pic collectors. 

um... what?  I have no obligation to send you a photo - I told you that I'm not interested... doesn't this in fact make YOU the photo collector?

I'm getting fed up with this guy, and I know that I shouldn't feed the trolls, but I can't resist... I reply...

I told you that we're not interested - I'm not sending my photo out to someone who I have no intention of pursing. Don't flatter yourself, that photo is not worth 'collecting'.

And this, Dear Readers, is where my "friend" decides to illuminate me on why I'm having so much trouble finding another partner:

its not that of a pic thats why I dont send pics because of prejudgement and seems like you guys pic collectors. Could nt say your names if I showed you a pic of my exgirlfriend you would nt be so judgemental my pic was taken after loads of drinks but gsve you an idea. I was honest you guys werent thats why 2 day later your still looking.

Perfectly clear, ya?

Losing my mind

I woke up at 2:30 this morning with an incredible idea for today's blog post... I had this link that I felt was vital to both of our very beings - it had to be shared with you right away... or at least in the morning.

I turned over, fell back in to fitful sleep and... well now it's 10:15am and I still don't remember what the link was that I needed to share.

I'm sure it will come to me eventually...  in the meantime we'll both just have to live in stasis until this very-vital-to-our-very-being link gets shared.

Polyphilia

Reasons to be poly:

1. When one man gets sick of you, you can just move in with the next
2. Multiple adoring partners
3. You can get all of your multi-faceted needs met through the characteristics of various partners
4. When you get sick of one man, you can just move in with the next
5. Tax benefits
6. It's like having your cake and eating it as well... except you still have cake left when you're done eating it... hmmmnow I want cake
7. You're guaranteed to have a date Friday night
8. More sex than you can shake a stick at
9. You can make really cheesy Pokemon jokes
10. You can fear for your physical and mental well being whenever they start talking from the fear that they may be collaborating to devise a heinous and devious plan, the end result being an attack that preys on all of your weaknesses

wait... that last one was a reason NOT to be poly...  I'm going to go cower now at the visions of what may one day happen should my two ever decide to combine their resources and knowledge...

Cop Out

This has been a crazy week Dear Readers, lots of stuff going on in my personal life that shockingly doesn't relate to me trying to have as much sex as humanly possible.  I'm going to have to beg off on a real post today - I'm not feeling very funny.

Hopefully someone will send me a dumb e-mail that I can make fun of tomorrow.

wha?

Today I'm going to highlight a different type of candidate... 

the illiterate slave

Honestly Dear Readers, I'm shocked at how these candidates are able to type out a reply to my ad... and the even more shocking thing, is that most of the replies tend to use full words and proper punctuation!

However, they also say things like:

I don't have much experience but never affraid to try

Oh, I do like more risk, and I did not want to scare you off. (after listing 'light pain' and 'light bondage' as his interests)

One of my fantasies is to eat a womans pussy after a guy cums inside her but that's up go you wether you want to do this... When are you guys looking to play?

No male kissing above neck line

I honestly wonder if any of these guys read through the entire ad, and understood what I'm looking for...

Contestant #3

Confession time Dear Readers:  I can get annoyed easily.  Especially when someone is abusing one of my pet peeves.

Such as "l337' speak or SMS shorthand or whatever the hell the kids are calling it these days (aside: "GET OFF OF MY LAWN!")

Take, for example this candidate:

hey  im very interested in ur ad! im basically a tall 19 yr old guy who wud love to get together wit u and play on the edge!...i have some experiece and am very openminded, and i really badly wanna do ALL the things that u like, such as humiliation pain bondage etc... i wud love to do any ANYTHING u like just for ur pleasure (no waiting or wrry of pushin boundaries for me, i am up for anythin u wanna do anytime!)

 plz consider me,  hope to hear back soon! 
ps. i kno u prob got like a million replies but im very real and very serious and hope to hear back from u!

This e-mail causes me physical pain to read.  Seriously... here's a tip boys:  If you're trying to impress someone, type out full words and try to make yourself look like you've got a higher IQ than a slug.

I replied with my standard "you're not what we're looking for, best of luck" e-mail and got another barely worded reply

aw really? is it cuz of my pic??? i promise u wont regret me tho im soo sub n openminded, wud love to try anything! plz consider me:)

So at this point I decided I was going to be the benevolent teacher and let him know exactly what the problem was.  

It's actually because I dislike the lack of care and attention you've put in to your emails with your dismal short hand. First impressions count for a lot. If you can't be bothered to take the time to type out
full words, where else will you take short cuts?  Something to think about when you reply to other ads.

His reply?

Hey again I'm sorry that's just how I was used to typing because that's how I see everyone do it, if I knew that it showed lack of care I would have typed better like I am now...trust me I really would have taken the extra time to do so!
But as for taking short cuts I can promise you that I do not take any when it comes to serving you as your most loyal slave!
 
Hope to hear back from you again!
Ps. I know you probably got a lot of replies to your ad, did you already find someone else to be your sub? 

I suppose I should give him points for persistence in his post script.  But seriously... "If I knew it showed lack of care"?!  Has the world really gotten to the point where being too lazy to type out the word "you" isn't an indication of lack of care?  Would you really type like this in a cover letter or on your resume?  Isn't finding a partner (especially one with a D/s dynamic) a little like a job interview anyways?  Don't you want to impress someone with your first contact?

kids these days...

Then and Now

As you'll all recall Dear Readers, I started this blog while I was on the search for a secondary partner... preferably a Dominant.  One of the many replies to my ad that I received from cheating men was this one:

Good afternoon:

I have read your profile on Craigslist, and, I thought I would introduce myself, as I fit your description perfectly.  I am a DOMINANT male, that is looking for a submissive woman that is interested in having me collar her, in a long term, discreet, relationship.  I will tell you from the start that I am attached, but, just because I am attached, it does not mean that I do not have the time to get to understand you and have meaningful sessions with you, however, our time would be limited to the daytimes, week-days.  

A bit more about me...I am a married, discreet, attractive, fit, professional male, that leads a vanilla corporate life, but, has this insatiable BDSM side that I continue to explore, and, given that you appear to be open minded, willing, and, in need for a dominant male, I am willing to explore whether you wish to pursue this type of discreet relationship with me.

With that said, my sessions can range from mild to intense, but, all in all, will allow you to progress as a "slave" and explore your submissive side.  Notwithstanding the fact that this is not my lifestyle, I am very well connected and can provide you with excellent experiences.  Some of the aspects that are of interest to me, and, that I enjoy incorporating into sessions, are as follows:

*light bondage

*spankings using crop, paddle, belt, etc.
*domination
*humiliation
*oral servitude
*foot worship
*body worship
*rimming
*ass penetration/play
*hair pulling

*bi-sexual play
*role-playing
*forced sex/group sex

*watersports

The above is just a general list, however, we will ultimately decide what route to follow, based on the limits we establish.  My philosophy is not to force you to hand over control to me, but, rather, to have you freely give control, and establish a trust with me, that will allow you to explore your submissiveness, under my control, while heightening your sexual experience.  That may take some time to achieve, but, I would expect you to devote the proper attention to doing so, as I am willing to invest the time in the right person.

If this sounds like something you would be interested in exploring, feel free to reply and tell me more about yourselves and what leads you to explore your submissive side.  I am willing to show pictures on MSN, or to meet in person, however, due to the need for discretion, and the sheer fact that there are many fakes, will not send pictures via e-mail.  Please let me know how to connect with you to exchange pictures, chat, and, assess the situation from there.  Furthermore, please do not that all sessions will take place during the daytime, in Toronto, week-days, so, you must have some free time to devote.  The sessions could range from 1-3 hours, per session, every few weeks, depending on your availability.  In the interim, there may be quick lunches, etc., as well as e-mail training, to keep you in the submissive frame of mind.

Master Idiot

I gave him a polite reply that I was uninterested in helping him cheat.  Really though...  weekdays during the day?  How much of a professional is he if he can take random afternoons off to cheat on his wife?  Obviously one who's not missed at his job... or has a lot of vacation time available to him...  Either way, I looked at the reply in amusement and filed it along with all of the other reject replies.  Good thing I did, because yesterday I received the following reply to my most recent ad:

Good afternoon:

I just read your profile on Craigslist, and, I have to say I am very intrigued.  I have experience both as a sub in BDSM play, and bi-sexual, and, looking for a couple EXACTLY like yourselves, so, if you are looking for someone that is serious, experienced, and, can take part in the scenario which you have stated, look no further.  In fact, visualizing your scenario was enough to bring me great joy.

Needless to say, if you are still looking for a gent, you may not need not look further, as I would love to see whether we connect well.  A bit about myself:

I am 32, 5'11", 170 lbs, Caucasian, with an athletic build (not ripped), as I play a bevy of sports;
I am professional and discreet, and have been told that I am attractive and have a unique look;
I am fully trimmed throughout and measure 7", uncut;
I am healthy (and married, hence, you can be assured that I am, and will always remain, D&D free), easy going, fun loving, and have a great personality;
I am able to connect during the daytime, Tuesday through Friday, in the morning or afternoon, ASAP, OR, during the daytime or early evening, weekly, come September; and
I am very sexually open minded, experienced playing with another couple, FULLY BISEXUAL, love BDSM play in all of its forms, and, certainly respect all limits. 

Due to discretion, and, the sheer amount of fakes on Craigslist, I have to be cautious with pictures and phone numbers, due to the fact I am attached and due to my profession, however, I am more than willing to connect on MSN to show you further pictures, or, in person over a coffee to see how we all get along.  I am not one to drag my feet, so, if you are serious, we can make this happen ASAP.

As previously stated, I do have experience playing with a couple and with BDSM play and have no hesitation participating as the two of you see fit, so, you do not have to worry about me having performance issues, backing out, or, just stating that I enjoy it and then not following through when the time comes.  

I look forward to hearing from you if you are interested in knowing more, and, I sincerely hope that you consider me to join you.  No BS, no games, just pure pleasure!

sub idiot

As you can all see, DR, Master Idiot is also sub idiot and apparently a switch (though neither e-mail mentions this fact).  I didn't make the connection the first time around, so I replied back simply saying "thanks but your availability doesn't work for us" ...  we got another reply:

I appreciate your reply.  If you have a hard time finding a serious gent, I would be available at least one (1) evening per week, for a few hours, come the beginning of September.  If you wish to consider me now, and, start serving you then, or, consider me closer to the date and reach a decision, I would be game.  I hope you consider me, as, I understand how hard it is to find a "real" slave such myself, and, on the flip side, it is quite hard to find someone in your dynamic as well, as a slave.  I would not want to just throw this away, due to my time limitations over the next 2 months, as my schedule clears up immensely come the beginning of September.  I would be free most nights between 5-9ish.

This is where I clued in "why does this guy seem familiar" and did a search through my archives to discover the split personality.  I mean... really...  For those of us who work during the day - don't most people finish work at 5?  Now, I'm lucky in that I work until 4, but I still have a fairly long commute and LD usually doesn't get home until 5:30 at the earliest.  By the time we both get home from work, I make dinner, we eat, I clean up, and we get ready... it's 7:30 at the earliest (and most nights we don't even eat dinner until 7).  That leaves us with... an hour and a half to play?  Honestly... does this seem like a reasonable offer?  Get real dude.

Remember when I said that my primary objection to cheating was the logistics?  This is a perfect example.  The fact that Master/sub Idiot seems to think that there's nothing unreasonable about his availability is just icing on the cake.

Am I just fishing during the wrong season?  Stay tuned Monday for another tale of woe...